Sep 28, 2005 23:04
Hospice. We went all the way downtown (which was so painful) for the doc to tell me its all over. "Weeks to months." I have too many tumors, in too many different places, doing too much damage for further chemo to be feasable. I feel so helpless. So afraid. I didn't think it would get to this point so quickly. We'll get a second opinion, but I don't have high hopes. This is the second doc to say "hospice" so far. Still waiting to hear from dr thornton...maybe he will have an idea (though he was the one who said first if stuff started growing/spreading there would be nothing he could do.)
Maybe it is for the best. I'm still struggling with random terrible pain attacks, I have no control over bathroom functions, my leg hurts and is swollen twice its normal size in addition to being paralyzed. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something. Still...I wish so much this wasn't happening to me. I'm afraid of the death march of visitors who'll want to see me one last time. Honestly, I am jealous they get to live and I
don't which is a mean thing to think but I can't help it. They get to visit and go do normal stuff later while I just have to keep lying here suffering. It hurts. Something I need to work on I guess.
Thank you all for the wonderful cards, emails, flowers, and gifts...if I don't respond personally, please know how much it helps knowing I have so much love and support out there. Thank you for making me feel my life has been worthwhile.