(no subject)
There's nothing like a birthday followed shortly by a new year to make one introspective, and in my case there's nothing like introspection to cause that usual simmering self loathing to heat into a rolling boil.
I keep thinking about this past year and what went wrong with it, and of the year ahead and what I'd like to do to make things better, and I just can't get away from the fact that I'm a 30-year-old who's never held a full time job, or finished my second year of college, who has no marketable skills to allow myself to earn an adequate living despite these setbacks, and who is $10,000 in debt.
I'm trying to become certified in my field, and I find the prospect terrifying because in going over what I want to improve upon myself I realized that every aspect of my life depends on whether or not this happens.
And even if it does happen, I look at all the catching up I have to do and I feel overwhelmed, because this last year - these last ten years - has been a string of failure after failure, and I still can't figure out what's wrong with me or how to fix it, assuming I can fix it.
I haven't felt this low in a long time, and I tried my usual methods of pulling myself out of it - walking, driving, cleaning, straight up escapism - but I feel like I have lead in my limbs and my chest, so I spent New Year's Eve sitting alone in the dark hoping for this to pass or at least for sleep. And I don't know how to get past this right now.
But at the very least, my go-to New Year's song does make me feel a little more peaceful.
Posted via Dreamwidth. Comment there. Or here. I'm not picky.
I keep thinking about this past year and what went wrong with it, and of the year ahead and what I'd like to do to make things better, and I just can't get away from the fact that I'm a 30-year-old who's never held a full time job, or finished my second year of college, who has no marketable skills to allow myself to earn an adequate living despite these setbacks, and who is $10,000 in debt.
I'm trying to become certified in my field, and I find the prospect terrifying because in going over what I want to improve upon myself I realized that every aspect of my life depends on whether or not this happens.
And even if it does happen, I look at all the catching up I have to do and I feel overwhelmed, because this last year - these last ten years - has been a string of failure after failure, and I still can't figure out what's wrong with me or how to fix it, assuming I can fix it.
I haven't felt this low in a long time, and I tried my usual methods of pulling myself out of it - walking, driving, cleaning, straight up escapism - but I feel like I have lead in my limbs and my chest, so I spent New Year's Eve sitting alone in the dark hoping for this to pass or at least for sleep. And I don't know how to get past this right now.
But at the very least, my go-to New Year's song does make me feel a little more peaceful.
Click to viewPosted via Dreamwidth. Comment there. Or here. I'm not picky.