time
everything sneaks up. im gunna be working full time next week and i think its going to be good for me. i feel stuck. like i cant make anything happen. i feel like i need to redo my life right now. start over from where and am and do things differently. think differently. i dont want to feel so helpless but i brought it all on myself, and now, im in a weird place, and im not sure that its really me. or maybe it is me, but not the me that i want it to be. love is a weird word, isnt it. people say it all the time, not very many know what it means. and then there are those who think they do, but dont. how much of a difference is there between loving something, and being in love with it. hmmmmm, most of these are unfinished thoughts and im sitting in spencers dorm room while they eat trying to just think. its harder than it seems tho. its weird how family situations growing up shape the person you become. i think i have loyalty issues because my dad was always cheating on my mom. i didnt know then, but it was obvious. my dad had a seperate bedroom at my old house and at one time he even told me as like an 11 year old boy that he didnt love my mom the way a husband was supposed to love a wife. is that like being in love? he wasnt in love with her anymore? or ever? he never really talked to me either, i mean we had family vacations and good times and it wasnt all bad, but i never talked to him. i always talked to my mom. always had her there to pretty much take care of me. not that i couldnt take care of myself, i just didnt care. as everything started breaking apart i became the one to try and take care of her and the situation. but it was too much and i couldnt and just shut out. shut them all out. didnt see or talk to my dad for months, stopped going to school, started doing drugs a lot. eventually, she had to shut me out. i servered those ties too. not conciously, but the less i saw my mom and brother, the less i thought about them (i didnt even want to think about mt dad) and when she shut me out i found a new person to take care of me. and she did and everything felt ok. but, now she needs to be taken care of, and i never knew how or could before. more later................