CT 66.5: 65.4: Wait.
So look, when I tell you this, you don't tell anyone else. Alright? I don't fucking care what happens with me and Lorelai, I don't want it mentioned. Patient-doctor confidentiality, right? Or whatever the fuck it is.
Whatever, I don't care.
The point is, I wouldn't be saying this if she was here. I don't know if I can yet. I've thought about this. More than I ever wanted to. If I wasn't still under a court order, I would've gone to get into a fight just so I could get this knocked out of my head.
I mean, I'm getting work now. Work that I don't hate. I like Broadway. I miss Hollywood, but this break, I needed this. I have a play that's going to open soon, and it's my work, and it's good shit. This is exactly what I was looking for. I feel like me again. Nowhere near as shitty as I did before. Everything looks good for once.
So it's-- What're you writing, anyway? ... No, fuck it, you're not going to tell me. I hate that, you know that? I hate that you get to sit there and write shit and I can't--
Nevermind. Fuck it.
Anyway.
The point is, I was at Henry's birthday party the other day, right? And it was like... First it was just one kid, messing around. The kid wanted to play monsters. I figured, what the hell, sure. I'm supposed to help Sasha, keeping at least one of those little bastards busy is helping. I'm being a good goddamn best friend.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
One kid became like fucking... Nine. And I'm chasing all these kids around, and outside of maybe one, two conversations I had with an actual adult? I spent the whole time playing with kids. The whole time.
And then afterwards, after they're all getting ready to go home? One of them hugged me. And then two more did. And right then, it was a little weird-- Okay, fuck it, it was really weird, but that's not the fucking point here. At the time, it didn't bother me.
It wasn't until afterwards, when I was thinking about it, that it really did bother me. Because it didn't bother me. Do you get it? I hate it when you nod like that. But look, it bothered me a whole hell of a lot. Because I thought about what I had to look like, doing all that shit. What it felt like.
Then I started thinking about all the shit I've done, pretty much since Henry started living with Sasha. Domestic shit. I'm around kids a lot more. Somehow, they're fucking everywhere now. Like a plague. One of the actresses during a rehearsal I sat in on, she had to bring her kid. For the whole thing. And I got along with him. I seriously did. Me.
So fucked.
But while I was doing all this thinking, I realized that I really did like it. All the hanging out with kids. And the domestic shit. All of it. I'm used to it. I like kids.
And that's when it hit me like Lorelai chucking a book at my face.
I want a baby.
I want to be a father.
It's just... It's... How...
The point is, I can't tell Lorelai. She'll want to start trying right away, and really, I'm just not... I'm like... I can't. It's fucking messed up enough that I've thought of this. It's like I've caved. And you know what happens now. That was rhetorical, don't fucking nod at me. I can't do it yet, not yet.
I will. At some point. I'll do all of it. Because I want to. God help me, I want to do it. With her. But not yet. She'd just blame me wanting to on Sasha anyway. It's not about that. It's about getting it. And I think I do. Maybe I do.
But not yet.
Does that even make sense?
Muse: Miles Lawson
Fandom: Original Character
Word Count: 666 (LOL.)
Whatever, I don't care.
The point is, I wouldn't be saying this if she was here. I don't know if I can yet. I've thought about this. More than I ever wanted to. If I wasn't still under a court order, I would've gone to get into a fight just so I could get this knocked out of my head.
I mean, I'm getting work now. Work that I don't hate. I like Broadway. I miss Hollywood, but this break, I needed this. I have a play that's going to open soon, and it's my work, and it's good shit. This is exactly what I was looking for. I feel like me again. Nowhere near as shitty as I did before. Everything looks good for once.
So it's-- What're you writing, anyway? ... No, fuck it, you're not going to tell me. I hate that, you know that? I hate that you get to sit there and write shit and I can't--
Nevermind. Fuck it.
Anyway.
The point is, I was at Henry's birthday party the other day, right? And it was like... First it was just one kid, messing around. The kid wanted to play monsters. I figured, what the hell, sure. I'm supposed to help Sasha, keeping at least one of those little bastards busy is helping. I'm being a good goddamn best friend.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
One kid became like fucking... Nine. And I'm chasing all these kids around, and outside of maybe one, two conversations I had with an actual adult? I spent the whole time playing with kids. The whole time.
And then afterwards, after they're all getting ready to go home? One of them hugged me. And then two more did. And right then, it was a little weird-- Okay, fuck it, it was really weird, but that's not the fucking point here. At the time, it didn't bother me.
It wasn't until afterwards, when I was thinking about it, that it really did bother me. Because it didn't bother me. Do you get it? I hate it when you nod like that. But look, it bothered me a whole hell of a lot. Because I thought about what I had to look like, doing all that shit. What it felt like.
Then I started thinking about all the shit I've done, pretty much since Henry started living with Sasha. Domestic shit. I'm around kids a lot more. Somehow, they're fucking everywhere now. Like a plague. One of the actresses during a rehearsal I sat in on, she had to bring her kid. For the whole thing. And I got along with him. I seriously did. Me.
So fucked.
But while I was doing all this thinking, I realized that I really did like it. All the hanging out with kids. And the domestic shit. All of it. I'm used to it. I like kids.
And that's when it hit me like Lorelai chucking a book at my face.
I want a baby.
I want to be a father.
It's just... It's... How...
The point is, I can't tell Lorelai. She'll want to start trying right away, and really, I'm just not... I'm like... I can't. It's fucking messed up enough that I've thought of this. It's like I've caved. And you know what happens now. That was rhetorical, don't fucking nod at me. I can't do it yet, not yet.
I will. At some point. I'll do all of it. Because I want to. God help me, I want to do it. With her. But not yet. She'd just blame me wanting to on Sasha anyway. It's not about that. It's about getting it. And I think I do. Maybe I do.
But not yet.
Does that even make sense?
Muse: Miles Lawson
Fandom: Original Character
Word Count: 666 (LOL.)