this entry is just depressing and you shouldn't read it
yay, back home where it's warm!.... other than that....yeah. home. whoopie. it has been pretty nice so far. haven't really gotten to spend any time at all with my dad though.
celebrated my birthday yesterday and it was kinda depressing. i won't go into the details about what i got but if you wanna know you can ask. and it's not like i'm materialistic either. but it was like, hey, it's my birthday and i just turned 20, a milestone for the young, and....*sigh*... that's it.
i'm going to apply to go to chicoutimi, canada this summer for 5 weeks of intense french immersion. i was so excited when i got the application and i still am but after i told my mom she was just like, "ok, so what does it cost? can you get financial aid? you're going to have to get financial aid." and so on. i was just kinda like, ok, so my education and my happiness rank below money. good to know. cost, what does it matter? this is going to be possibly the only time in my life where i'll be able to do something like this and all she wants to hear is about the cost. not about how my french will dramatically improve, not about how much fun i'm bound to have, not about how good of an experience it'll be for me but the money. always the money. i swear, if i could do it without them finding out, i would cut myself outta their care and be independent. but they would find out and be very very upset about not getting the tax break for having me listed as a dependent. maybe i shoulda done it last summer and just stayed with friends in colorado. at least then i would feel free. i feel so restrained and i'm torn by conflicting issues.
that's my reason for not wanting to live at home. the ever-present unsettling feeling of them still trying to control me. i already agreed to go somewhere in texas next year. yeah, i was gonna wait to tell everyone, make it a big surprise but it's not like i'm happy about that decision anyway. sophomore year, you finally fit in, you're finding people like you, and you have a hella lot more independence than even the previous year. and now they want me to start over somewhere new. leave my apartment, leave my swim team (who's now become just like our high school team, just an extended family), leave the familiarity, leave my place of escape. i mean, if i have a repeat of my freshman year, that'd be enough to make me quit college, at least for a semester. i cannot and will not go through the trials and torments i faced last year. not again. i'd have to quit before i broke.
oh and i found out that i have to go back to the orthodontist to fix a problem before all of my teeth have a receding gum line, instead of just one. the girl who got braces twice and hates her orthodontist more than anyone has to face that fucking man again and endure a couple more years of annoyances and discomforts.
winter break is a reminder of why we can't live at home forever. summer vacation is a confirmation of the shit we dealt with over winter break. everyone gets homesick once and a while but that saying is right: you can't go home again. you'd go mentally insane. even though it is family, your living habits, beliefs and personalities clash hardcore.
i think we all should go out to lunch and catch up. when is everyone free this week?
celebrated my birthday yesterday and it was kinda depressing. i won't go into the details about what i got but if you wanna know you can ask. and it's not like i'm materialistic either. but it was like, hey, it's my birthday and i just turned 20, a milestone for the young, and....*sigh*... that's it.
i'm going to apply to go to chicoutimi, canada this summer for 5 weeks of intense french immersion. i was so excited when i got the application and i still am but after i told my mom she was just like, "ok, so what does it cost? can you get financial aid? you're going to have to get financial aid." and so on. i was just kinda like, ok, so my education and my happiness rank below money. good to know. cost, what does it matter? this is going to be possibly the only time in my life where i'll be able to do something like this and all she wants to hear is about the cost. not about how my french will dramatically improve, not about how much fun i'm bound to have, not about how good of an experience it'll be for me but the money. always the money. i swear, if i could do it without them finding out, i would cut myself outta their care and be independent. but they would find out and be very very upset about not getting the tax break for having me listed as a dependent. maybe i shoulda done it last summer and just stayed with friends in colorado. at least then i would feel free. i feel so restrained and i'm torn by conflicting issues.
that's my reason for not wanting to live at home. the ever-present unsettling feeling of them still trying to control me. i already agreed to go somewhere in texas next year. yeah, i was gonna wait to tell everyone, make it a big surprise but it's not like i'm happy about that decision anyway. sophomore year, you finally fit in, you're finding people like you, and you have a hella lot more independence than even the previous year. and now they want me to start over somewhere new. leave my apartment, leave my swim team (who's now become just like our high school team, just an extended family), leave the familiarity, leave my place of escape. i mean, if i have a repeat of my freshman year, that'd be enough to make me quit college, at least for a semester. i cannot and will not go through the trials and torments i faced last year. not again. i'd have to quit before i broke.
oh and i found out that i have to go back to the orthodontist to fix a problem before all of my teeth have a receding gum line, instead of just one. the girl who got braces twice and hates her orthodontist more than anyone has to face that fucking man again and endure a couple more years of annoyances and discomforts.
winter break is a reminder of why we can't live at home forever. summer vacation is a confirmation of the shit we dealt with over winter break. everyone gets homesick once and a while but that saying is right: you can't go home again. you'd go mentally insane. even though it is family, your living habits, beliefs and personalities clash hardcore.
i think we all should go out to lunch and catch up. when is everyone free this week?