Wrestlemania 25
Well, that was underwhelming.
I stayed up until way past a decent time watching "The Granddaddy Of Them All" and overall it was... all right. It wasn't mind blowing, but it was an OK show. Which would be fine, if this hadn't been WRESTLEMANIA FUCKING TWENTY-FIVE.
I didn't even realise WM25 was on last night until about two hours before it aired - that's how little I cared. Oh, I knew there would be some great matches, but there was nothing on the show that caught me or made me really, really want to see it. I'm just happy I didn't pay to see this thing.
Here's a match by match rundown:
Carlito & Primo Colon def. John Morrison & The Miz (Unified tag Team Championship)
Yes, they're called The Colons. But it's not pronounced that way. Don't ask me what the story is, I think it's a Puerto Rican thing. Morrison and Miz are two of the best things on WWE TV, and this match had been pushed for a couple of months on television, with each team trying to one up the other while simultaneously trying to gain the affection of the delightful Bella twins. I'm sure this match was excellent, but I wouldn't know because I didn't see it. That's because, after weeks of promotion, WWE made the genius decision to bump the match to the pre-show. Way to make your tag titles seem important, Vince. This supposedly historic match will be available on the Wrestlemania 25 DVD.
CM Punk wins the Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Money In The Bank has been a Wrestlemania staple since 2005. A multi-man ladder match, the prize is a briefcase suspended above the ring that contains a contract for a title match of your choice, which can be cashed in at any time within a year of Wrestlemania.
CM Punk, the Straight Edge Superstar, is the first man to win the MITB briefcase two years in a row. It was quite a surprise - most people expected MVP or Christian to win. I can't say I'm upset about the result, as I like Punk a lot. But after WWE screwed up his World Title reign last year, why have they suddenly decided to give him the briefcase again? Many of the guys I was chatting to while watching the show were hoping that Punk would cash in his briefcase that night, but sadly it didn't happen. If Punk turns heel (bad guy) and steals the World Title, that could be a good storyline. Heel Punk is a hell of a lot more interesting than babyface (good guy) Punk.
The match itself was your typical MITB spotfest. Shelton Benjamin did his annual Big Fucking Spot that, as per usual, almost killed him. There were also a few blown spots, so expect them to show up on the next Botchamania video. Mark Henry and Kane were the odd men out in this match, each one weighing well over three hundred pounds, but they played their roles well, and Henry proved that not only could he climb a ladder without damaging it, he's also really good at standing there and having things thrown at him.
Kid Rock came out to perform for the arena - WWE, once again with their finger on the pulse of popular culture. The most entertaining part of his overlong set was how the crowd remained silent between songs. They didn't cheer; they didn't boo; they were just eerily quiet. And this went on for a fucking eternity. What I don't get is why AC/DC didn't perform - they did supply the Wrestlemania theme song, after all. Those guys wouldn't have played to silence, I guarantee.
"Santina" Marella won the Divas Battle Royal and was crowned Miss Wrestlemania
WWE calls its female "wrestlers" Divas. I put "wrestlers" in inverted commas because any casual wrestling fan will be able to tell you that in-ring ability is the last thing WWE thinks about when hiring women. It's a well-known fact that Senior VP of Talent Relations John Laurinaitis hires a lot of blonde models. In WWE, they have a set mould for the type of woman they want; that's why skinny homewreckers get titles while kickass MILFs and talented Asian girls don't get squat.
Anyway, the match. The twenty-five Divas who took part in the match, including popular former WWE wrestlers such as Trish Stratus, Molly Holly and Tammy "Sunny" Sytch, all marched down to the ring as Kid Rock finished up his set. Since almost all the current Divas look alike, it was impossible to tell who was who until they fell out of the ring and the camera got a close-up on their faces (even then, I only recognised the women who are worth a damn in a wrestling ring.) To say it was a clusterfuck would be an understatement.
In the end, the match was won by male wrestler Santino Marella in drag. Santino is comedy gold in WWE. His unconvincing female voice and uncomfortably short skirt were pretty damn funny. Expect him to be Women's Champion by the end of the year, because that's the only way this angle can go.
Chris Jericho def. Ricky Steamboat, Roddy Piper & Jimmy Snuka in a handicap match
Man, is there a story behind this. OK, I'll try to summarise it as best I can: in the beginning there was a movie called The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke as a washed-up ring warrior trying to recapture his glory days. WWE pissed all over it as they felt it painted the profession in a bad light (as opposed to the necrophilia, incest and insensitive faked deaths that have appeared on WWE programming.) Then Mickey Rourke won a bunch of awards, and suddenly WWE changed their tune. There was talk of Rourke wrestling Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania, and indeed the seeds were planted for a match in several interviews. But then the nominations came out for the Academy Awards and Mickey's agent didn't think being affiliated with a wrestling show would help his client's chances of winning a Best Actor award.
As it turns out, it didn't make much difference, but the decision was apparently already made that Rourke wouldn't be wrestling on the show. Instead, Jericho antagonised a series of WWE legends on television and Pay-Per-View, eventually throwing down a challenge to three of them: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka. Rourke himself would be sat at ringside offering his support.
The angles leading up to the match were magnificent, especially when Jericho beat and bloodied 16-time World Champion Ric Flair on Raw. But no one knew how the match would go. Chris is a fine wrestler, but these legends were nowhere near their prime. Piper has a fake hip, Steamboat retired in 1994 due to a back injury and Snuka was old fifteen years ago. But then, something amazing happened. Piper nailed Jericho with a Cactus Clothesline (almost dislocating his wrist in the process when he got his hand caught in the ropes.) Then he levelled Chris with a dropkick! The legends came out with all guns blazing and managed to put together a good match. Snuka and Piper were eliminated in short order, which allowed Steamboat and Jericho to go back and forth for an extended period. Here's a fact: Ricky Steamboat, at 56 years of age and with a broken back, is still a better wrestler than most of the current WWE roster. Jericho eventually took him out for the win, then nailed Ric Flair, who had accompanied the other legends to the ring (I know Ric would have loved to wrestle on the show, but he made a vow to retire for good at Wrestlemania 24 and he intends to keep it.)
Finally calling out Rourke, Jericho and the actor stood face to face in the ring. Mickey utilised his old boxing skills to duck a few punches from Chris before taking him out with a left hook. We all wanted to see a Ram Jam, but it wasn't to be. *sigh*
Matt Hardy def. Jeff Hardy in an Extreme Rules Match
Here's another match that went through so many changes. Originally Christian was going to feud with Jeff, but when every wrestling fan and their grandmother realised that, Vince McMahon said "To hell with logic!" and booked Matt to turn on his brother. At least the end result was decent. Another disjointed series of spots, but that's all we expected. I remember the last time these guys feuded, they tried to put together a simple wrestling match and it bored the hell out of the fans. They didn't take any chances this time - chairs, tables and ladders were all used to sometimes remarkable effect. In the end, Matt wrapped a chair around Jeff's face and planted him with a Twist of Fate for the win. It was an incredibly memorable finish, and will mean we get to see more matches between the two. I hope, however, to see a little more ring psychology in future bouts.
Rey Mysterio def. John Bradshaw Layfield (Intercontinental Championship)
Rey Rey came out dressed like The Joker for no particular reason (I can't wait to see his Iron Man costume.) JBL cut a long promo ripping into his fellow Texans, then lost the Intercontinental Championship in 21 seconds. To say this was ridiculous would be an understatement. So what if no one really wanted to see this match - the Intercontinental title deserved more than twenty-one friggin' seconds!
There was talk that JBL is retiring (again) and that this was his last match. It could be that the back problems that have plagued him in recent years meant he couldn't wrestle a proper match, but if that was the case why have him wrestling in a title match? Why not put him a tag match, or something? And why didn't he get a proper send-off? I know he's a heel, but I think he deserved a little more than just shouting, "I quit!" at the audience and storming off. Oh well - there's a space on the Smackdown announce team with John's name on it. That is, if he doesn't mind Vince McMahon screaming in his ear for two hours every week.
The Undertaker def. Shawn Michaels
A.K.A. The Only Match Anyone Cared About.
The build-up towards this match was excellent. It's depressing to think that these two men, both in their forties, put on a better match than anyone else in WWE could ever hope to. It was an incredible display of ring psychology, technical excellence and wonderful story telling.
It wasn't perfect, of course. There was a very disturbing botch when 'Taker launched himself over the top rope for his somersault topé, crashed into a plant disguised as a camera man and almost landed on the top of his head. I was seriously worried; when Michaels grabbed the referee and told him to start counting The Undertaker out, I thought that was it (and that would have really screwed up the reason behind the match, which was Undertaker trying to defeat Michaels and retaining his perfect undefeated streak at Wrestlemanias.) But I shouldn't have worried - 'Taker got back to his feet and the two men continued to wrestle full on for another fifteen minutes, trading finishing moves and near falls galore. The finish finally came in a perfect chain of moves - as Michaels tried for a moonsault, Undertaker caught him in mid flight and spiked the "Heartbreak Kid" with a Tombstone piledriver for the pinfall. This was hands down the match of the night, and a definite Match of the Year contender.
John Cena def. Edge and The Big Show in Triple Threat Match (World Championship)
After the stunning Michaels-Taker match, nothing was going to live up to those heights. Certainly not a World Title match that seemed less about winning the belt and more about winning the heart of Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero. While Big Show and Edge played out this ridiculous soap opera, Cena helped remind us that there was a title at stake. In saying that, when he showed up with forty people all dressed like him, who all lined the entrance ramp and performed the "You can't see me" hand signal while he ran down to the ring, I was certain that I'd just seen the stupidest thing since the Gobbledygooker.
The match was all right - your typical WWE three way, with the unforgettable image of Chavo Guerrero Jr grabbing his aunt's ass as she was pushed off the ring apron. Guess it beats being jobbed out in a three second match, like he did at last year's Wrestlemania. Cena won, dropping his opponents with the Attitude Adjustment (née FU) before pinning Show to become World Champion. Poor Edge - the guy just doesn't get to hold that belt for very long.
Then the 2009 inductees to the WWE Hall of Fame came out to wave to the fans. The Funks, Ricky Steamboat and Kevin Von Erich (the last surviving Von Erich) all received a great reception, though I still have no idea what they were thinking inducting Koko B. Ware. Regardless, when Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared on stage the entire building exploded with cheers. Austin is the biggest star in the history of wrestling, and nobody's ever going to take that title. He left about ten seconds later, only to return on a fucking quad bike! Austin proceeded to do what he does best - drink beer and raise hell. It was cool seeing him share a cold one with Jim Ross at the announce desk; Austin and JR go way back, and Ross was an important figure in getting Austin over with the fans.
Triple H def. Randy Orton (WWE Championship)
Randy Orton has been on a path of destruction in recent months, waging war against the McMahon family. Vince and his son Shane were victims of Orton's vicious punt kick to the head, while Stephanie suffered an RKO and a DDT. It was following the attack on Stephanie that kayfabe was finally broken and it was finally admitted on WWE television that Triple H is indeed Stephanie's husband. HHH swore revenge, and we discovered that in wrestling it's the good guy who breaks into his rival's home and terrorises his family with a sledgehammer. Regardless of certain slips in logic, this angle had been very well booked, and the eventual match between the two was undeniably... OK.
It wasn't awful, but it wasn't a Wrestlemania main event. I thought we'd slipped into some kind of vortex where twenty five minutes of the match had disappeared when Randy and Triple H nailed each other with their finishers only minutes after the opening bell. But it wasn't a premature end. The two wrestled a decent match for a solid half hour. Randy (who looks more and more like a gay white supremacist every time I see him) played the asshole heel well, while Triple H did a decent job as the face. You never felt, though, that he was a man wronged; what with Randy assaulting the mother of his children, I expected more aggression from the WWE Champion. The finish was anticlimactic; Hunter hit Randy with a sledgehammer (he's got a thing for sledgehammers) then a Pedigree for the win. There was little reaction from the crowd; all in all it ended Wrestlemania 25 on a flat note.
So that's all there is to it. Wrestlemania 25 - the silver anniversary of wrestling's greatest spectacle was all right, but certainly nowhere near what we expected, or what the occasion deserved. Maybe next year Vince could give the matches more than a month of build.
I stayed up until way past a decent time watching "The Granddaddy Of Them All" and overall it was... all right. It wasn't mind blowing, but it was an OK show. Which would be fine, if this hadn't been WRESTLEMANIA FUCKING TWENTY-FIVE.
I didn't even realise WM25 was on last night until about two hours before it aired - that's how little I cared. Oh, I knew there would be some great matches, but there was nothing on the show that caught me or made me really, really want to see it. I'm just happy I didn't pay to see this thing.
Here's a match by match rundown:
Carlito & Primo Colon def. John Morrison & The Miz (Unified tag Team Championship)
Yes, they're called The Colons. But it's not pronounced that way. Don't ask me what the story is, I think it's a Puerto Rican thing. Morrison and Miz are two of the best things on WWE TV, and this match had been pushed for a couple of months on television, with each team trying to one up the other while simultaneously trying to gain the affection of the delightful Bella twins. I'm sure this match was excellent, but I wouldn't know because I didn't see it. That's because, after weeks of promotion, WWE made the genius decision to bump the match to the pre-show. Way to make your tag titles seem important, Vince. This supposedly historic match will be available on the Wrestlemania 25 DVD.
CM Punk wins the Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Money In The Bank has been a Wrestlemania staple since 2005. A multi-man ladder match, the prize is a briefcase suspended above the ring that contains a contract for a title match of your choice, which can be cashed in at any time within a year of Wrestlemania.
CM Punk, the Straight Edge Superstar, is the first man to win the MITB briefcase two years in a row. It was quite a surprise - most people expected MVP or Christian to win. I can't say I'm upset about the result, as I like Punk a lot. But after WWE screwed up his World Title reign last year, why have they suddenly decided to give him the briefcase again? Many of the guys I was chatting to while watching the show were hoping that Punk would cash in his briefcase that night, but sadly it didn't happen. If Punk turns heel (bad guy) and steals the World Title, that could be a good storyline. Heel Punk is a hell of a lot more interesting than babyface (good guy) Punk.
The match itself was your typical MITB spotfest. Shelton Benjamin did his annual Big Fucking Spot that, as per usual, almost killed him. There were also a few blown spots, so expect them to show up on the next Botchamania video. Mark Henry and Kane were the odd men out in this match, each one weighing well over three hundred pounds, but they played their roles well, and Henry proved that not only could he climb a ladder without damaging it, he's also really good at standing there and having things thrown at him.
Kid Rock came out to perform for the arena - WWE, once again with their finger on the pulse of popular culture. The most entertaining part of his overlong set was how the crowd remained silent between songs. They didn't cheer; they didn't boo; they were just eerily quiet. And this went on for a fucking eternity. What I don't get is why AC/DC didn't perform - they did supply the Wrestlemania theme song, after all. Those guys wouldn't have played to silence, I guarantee.
"Santina" Marella won the Divas Battle Royal and was crowned Miss Wrestlemania
WWE calls its female "wrestlers" Divas. I put "wrestlers" in inverted commas because any casual wrestling fan will be able to tell you that in-ring ability is the last thing WWE thinks about when hiring women. It's a well-known fact that Senior VP of Talent Relations John Laurinaitis hires a lot of blonde models. In WWE, they have a set mould for the type of woman they want; that's why skinny homewreckers get titles while kickass MILFs and talented Asian girls don't get squat.
Anyway, the match. The twenty-five Divas who took part in the match, including popular former WWE wrestlers such as Trish Stratus, Molly Holly and Tammy "Sunny" Sytch, all marched down to the ring as Kid Rock finished up his set. Since almost all the current Divas look alike, it was impossible to tell who was who until they fell out of the ring and the camera got a close-up on their faces (even then, I only recognised the women who are worth a damn in a wrestling ring.) To say it was a clusterfuck would be an understatement.
In the end, the match was won by male wrestler Santino Marella in drag. Santino is comedy gold in WWE. His unconvincing female voice and uncomfortably short skirt were pretty damn funny. Expect him to be Women's Champion by the end of the year, because that's the only way this angle can go.
Chris Jericho def. Ricky Steamboat, Roddy Piper & Jimmy Snuka in a handicap match
Man, is there a story behind this. OK, I'll try to summarise it as best I can: in the beginning there was a movie called The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke as a washed-up ring warrior trying to recapture his glory days. WWE pissed all over it as they felt it painted the profession in a bad light (as opposed to the necrophilia, incest and insensitive faked deaths that have appeared on WWE programming.) Then Mickey Rourke won a bunch of awards, and suddenly WWE changed their tune. There was talk of Rourke wrestling Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania, and indeed the seeds were planted for a match in several interviews. But then the nominations came out for the Academy Awards and Mickey's agent didn't think being affiliated with a wrestling show would help his client's chances of winning a Best Actor award.
As it turns out, it didn't make much difference, but the decision was apparently already made that Rourke wouldn't be wrestling on the show. Instead, Jericho antagonised a series of WWE legends on television and Pay-Per-View, eventually throwing down a challenge to three of them: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka. Rourke himself would be sat at ringside offering his support.
The angles leading up to the match were magnificent, especially when Jericho beat and bloodied 16-time World Champion Ric Flair on Raw. But no one knew how the match would go. Chris is a fine wrestler, but these legends were nowhere near their prime. Piper has a fake hip, Steamboat retired in 1994 due to a back injury and Snuka was old fifteen years ago. But then, something amazing happened. Piper nailed Jericho with a Cactus Clothesline (almost dislocating his wrist in the process when he got his hand caught in the ropes.) Then he levelled Chris with a dropkick! The legends came out with all guns blazing and managed to put together a good match. Snuka and Piper were eliminated in short order, which allowed Steamboat and Jericho to go back and forth for an extended period. Here's a fact: Ricky Steamboat, at 56 years of age and with a broken back, is still a better wrestler than most of the current WWE roster. Jericho eventually took him out for the win, then nailed Ric Flair, who had accompanied the other legends to the ring (I know Ric would have loved to wrestle on the show, but he made a vow to retire for good at Wrestlemania 24 and he intends to keep it.)
Finally calling out Rourke, Jericho and the actor stood face to face in the ring. Mickey utilised his old boxing skills to duck a few punches from Chris before taking him out with a left hook. We all wanted to see a Ram Jam, but it wasn't to be. *sigh*
Matt Hardy def. Jeff Hardy in an Extreme Rules Match
Here's another match that went through so many changes. Originally Christian was going to feud with Jeff, but when every wrestling fan and their grandmother realised that, Vince McMahon said "To hell with logic!" and booked Matt to turn on his brother. At least the end result was decent. Another disjointed series of spots, but that's all we expected. I remember the last time these guys feuded, they tried to put together a simple wrestling match and it bored the hell out of the fans. They didn't take any chances this time - chairs, tables and ladders were all used to sometimes remarkable effect. In the end, Matt wrapped a chair around Jeff's face and planted him with a Twist of Fate for the win. It was an incredibly memorable finish, and will mean we get to see more matches between the two. I hope, however, to see a little more ring psychology in future bouts.
Rey Mysterio def. John Bradshaw Layfield (Intercontinental Championship)
Rey Rey came out dressed like The Joker for no particular reason (I can't wait to see his Iron Man costume.) JBL cut a long promo ripping into his fellow Texans, then lost the Intercontinental Championship in 21 seconds. To say this was ridiculous would be an understatement. So what if no one really wanted to see this match - the Intercontinental title deserved more than twenty-one friggin' seconds!
There was talk that JBL is retiring (again) and that this was his last match. It could be that the back problems that have plagued him in recent years meant he couldn't wrestle a proper match, but if that was the case why have him wrestling in a title match? Why not put him a tag match, or something? And why didn't he get a proper send-off? I know he's a heel, but I think he deserved a little more than just shouting, "I quit!" at the audience and storming off. Oh well - there's a space on the Smackdown announce team with John's name on it. That is, if he doesn't mind Vince McMahon screaming in his ear for two hours every week.
The Undertaker def. Shawn Michaels
A.K.A. The Only Match Anyone Cared About.
The build-up towards this match was excellent. It's depressing to think that these two men, both in their forties, put on a better match than anyone else in WWE could ever hope to. It was an incredible display of ring psychology, technical excellence and wonderful story telling.
It wasn't perfect, of course. There was a very disturbing botch when 'Taker launched himself over the top rope for his somersault topé, crashed into a plant disguised as a camera man and almost landed on the top of his head. I was seriously worried; when Michaels grabbed the referee and told him to start counting The Undertaker out, I thought that was it (and that would have really screwed up the reason behind the match, which was Undertaker trying to defeat Michaels and retaining his perfect undefeated streak at Wrestlemanias.) But I shouldn't have worried - 'Taker got back to his feet and the two men continued to wrestle full on for another fifteen minutes, trading finishing moves and near falls galore. The finish finally came in a perfect chain of moves - as Michaels tried for a moonsault, Undertaker caught him in mid flight and spiked the "Heartbreak Kid" with a Tombstone piledriver for the pinfall. This was hands down the match of the night, and a definite Match of the Year contender.
John Cena def. Edge and The Big Show in Triple Threat Match (World Championship)
After the stunning Michaels-Taker match, nothing was going to live up to those heights. Certainly not a World Title match that seemed less about winning the belt and more about winning the heart of Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero. While Big Show and Edge played out this ridiculous soap opera, Cena helped remind us that there was a title at stake. In saying that, when he showed up with forty people all dressed like him, who all lined the entrance ramp and performed the "You can't see me" hand signal while he ran down to the ring, I was certain that I'd just seen the stupidest thing since the Gobbledygooker.
The match was all right - your typical WWE three way, with the unforgettable image of Chavo Guerrero Jr grabbing his aunt's ass as she was pushed off the ring apron. Guess it beats being jobbed out in a three second match, like he did at last year's Wrestlemania. Cena won, dropping his opponents with the Attitude Adjustment (née FU) before pinning Show to become World Champion. Poor Edge - the guy just doesn't get to hold that belt for very long.
Then the 2009 inductees to the WWE Hall of Fame came out to wave to the fans. The Funks, Ricky Steamboat and Kevin Von Erich (the last surviving Von Erich) all received a great reception, though I still have no idea what they were thinking inducting Koko B. Ware. Regardless, when Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared on stage the entire building exploded with cheers. Austin is the biggest star in the history of wrestling, and nobody's ever going to take that title. He left about ten seconds later, only to return on a fucking quad bike! Austin proceeded to do what he does best - drink beer and raise hell. It was cool seeing him share a cold one with Jim Ross at the announce desk; Austin and JR go way back, and Ross was an important figure in getting Austin over with the fans.
Triple H def. Randy Orton (WWE Championship)
Randy Orton has been on a path of destruction in recent months, waging war against the McMahon family. Vince and his son Shane were victims of Orton's vicious punt kick to the head, while Stephanie suffered an RKO and a DDT. It was following the attack on Stephanie that kayfabe was finally broken and it was finally admitted on WWE television that Triple H is indeed Stephanie's husband. HHH swore revenge, and we discovered that in wrestling it's the good guy who breaks into his rival's home and terrorises his family with a sledgehammer. Regardless of certain slips in logic, this angle had been very well booked, and the eventual match between the two was undeniably... OK.
It wasn't awful, but it wasn't a Wrestlemania main event. I thought we'd slipped into some kind of vortex where twenty five minutes of the match had disappeared when Randy and Triple H nailed each other with their finishers only minutes after the opening bell. But it wasn't a premature end. The two wrestled a decent match for a solid half hour. Randy (who looks more and more like a gay white supremacist every time I see him) played the asshole heel well, while Triple H did a decent job as the face. You never felt, though, that he was a man wronged; what with Randy assaulting the mother of his children, I expected more aggression from the WWE Champion. The finish was anticlimactic; Hunter hit Randy with a sledgehammer (he's got a thing for sledgehammers) then a Pedigree for the win. There was little reaction from the crowd; all in all it ended Wrestlemania 25 on a flat note.
So that's all there is to it. Wrestlemania 25 - the silver anniversary of wrestling's greatest spectacle was all right, but certainly nowhere near what we expected, or what the occasion deserved. Maybe next year Vince could give the matches more than a month of build.