i miss the adventure. the adventure was never lonely.
this past week has been nothing short of a nightmare. im still hoping that im going to wake myself up soon from this horror. i had a few short days of peace after returning from my spring break paradice but since the latter part of last week i have felt the droaning days pull me down and then beat any remaining energy right out of me. i feel weak, broken. tired. im fucking tired. the responsibilities and demands of my sparatic life are getting to me and im doing the best i can to not lose control and just focus. but its hard. its hard when you feel so consumed by your own thoughts, your consciousness just devouring any peace of mind.
i was accepted to university of rhode island last week. my experience with this letter was slightly different from my euphoric moment with tampa. i was still completly beat from my vacation, duffelbag contents spilled onto my bed, and i just figured oh what the hell, ill check my status. i had no intentions of getting in, nor did i really want the option anymore. welcome to the university of rhode island. the small blue font just opened a whole new world of mind-bending decisions, requiring merciless thinking to come up with answers im not sure i will find. now i have to choose. not to mention the voicemail my sister excitedly left me to confirm that i 'must be a genius' because suffolk decided to add emily harrison to their roster. although i had convinced myself that suffolk was out of the question for their lack in campus life, sports, and student closeness, now of course i have to think about what i would be passing up for the sunshine state. boston. ive been trying to get back to new england forever, i mean, that was my intention all along in moving up here right? its only jersey, but im more than half way there. ive wanted the city, the sox, the T, just dying for the whole package for so long. suddenly thats not enough? i need the campus life too? wow, em, your greedy. its an even harder situation with uri - its new england, everything i live for, and the campus life all wrapped up in a manilla envelope with my name on it. now, do i check the blank box that begs the question 'are you ready to begin the next three years of your life at uri? the snow, the foliage, the giant sox fan population?' should be a no brainer huh? but wait. in checking this box, theres no turning back. i think about how difficult the moving has been, the transition from school to school, meeting new people, the burdon of starting from scratch. not something i care to try surviving again. so striking that box could be the best or easily the worst decision i make for the next three years of my college life. well thats just slightly intimidating. this is what i was afraid of. going to tampa and dealing with the decision to return to my undesired eight year roots in the south was one thing, but i was prepared to cope with that. ditching the north, my fantasy and ideals, not so much.
while trying to deal with my indecisiveness im also coping with the loniness that i agreed to a year ago the second i threw my life into the back of that uhaul. i miss my sister to no end. shes what gets me through a lot of my days, whether she knows it or not. shes amazing and talented and perfect and i miss being around her. lately, with all the bad news and accidents, its made me think a lot about the people i miss. it gets lonely in this narrow apartment. im always having to travel to enjoy myself and even then, if say i go to saras, i feel as though im intruding and never fully comfortable. i havent been to the city since new years [other than last night], and i miss that. the nights out with the girls, the pent up storms we held within us and then unforgivingly let them explode onto the upper westside pavement while we relentlessly confessed our secrets. mmm, the good ol days. i miss the adventure. the adventure was never lonely. i waaas in the city last night with dad. ah yes, the tourists have arrived in flocks. the theatre district is swarming with amature walkers, cameras flashing, and heads kept tilted back for ten blocks mesmerized by the bright lights. dad and i went to see hairspray. this was the second time ive seen it and we had a mezzanine view but brooke got me the tickets free. afterward, around midnight, we went for breakfast at the diner. it was a small fissture of light in my wickedly dark week.
i suppose this summer is something to look forward to. although, i know as soon as i step foot in savannahs pathetic excuse of an airport, im going stare in envy at the passengers having their privacy being successfully violated and tickets reading 'one way to new york'. the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. i wish to be in two places at once. location aside, the freedom of summer will be something i'll savor. revel in the unconsciousness, unoccupying thoughts, the beautiful unwind of final decisions and decided emotions.
i feel like my thoughts have just spilled out onto the laptop, seeped into the keys, and splattered themselves across the screen in no particular order, structured sentence, or sane manner. so please, dont mind this rant. its not creative, interesting, or a particularly happy read. my emotions and thoughts are spastic and probably better suited for the pen journal thats neatly tucked in my night stand drawer between a few photos, grams silk scarf, and the journals that got me threw high school. its been too long since ive released my crazies through ink.
but for now, these keys and screen will be my outlet.
my alarm will ring me into one more struggle,
t minus four hours
peace, Em
i was accepted to university of rhode island last week. my experience with this letter was slightly different from my euphoric moment with tampa. i was still completly beat from my vacation, duffelbag contents spilled onto my bed, and i just figured oh what the hell, ill check my status. i had no intentions of getting in, nor did i really want the option anymore. welcome to the university of rhode island. the small blue font just opened a whole new world of mind-bending decisions, requiring merciless thinking to come up with answers im not sure i will find. now i have to choose. not to mention the voicemail my sister excitedly left me to confirm that i 'must be a genius' because suffolk decided to add emily harrison to their roster. although i had convinced myself that suffolk was out of the question for their lack in campus life, sports, and student closeness, now of course i have to think about what i would be passing up for the sunshine state. boston. ive been trying to get back to new england forever, i mean, that was my intention all along in moving up here right? its only jersey, but im more than half way there. ive wanted the city, the sox, the T, just dying for the whole package for so long. suddenly thats not enough? i need the campus life too? wow, em, your greedy. its an even harder situation with uri - its new england, everything i live for, and the campus life all wrapped up in a manilla envelope with my name on it. now, do i check the blank box that begs the question 'are you ready to begin the next three years of your life at uri? the snow, the foliage, the giant sox fan population?' should be a no brainer huh? but wait. in checking this box, theres no turning back. i think about how difficult the moving has been, the transition from school to school, meeting new people, the burdon of starting from scratch. not something i care to try surviving again. so striking that box could be the best or easily the worst decision i make for the next three years of my college life. well thats just slightly intimidating. this is what i was afraid of. going to tampa and dealing with the decision to return to my undesired eight year roots in the south was one thing, but i was prepared to cope with that. ditching the north, my fantasy and ideals, not so much.
while trying to deal with my indecisiveness im also coping with the loniness that i agreed to a year ago the second i threw my life into the back of that uhaul. i miss my sister to no end. shes what gets me through a lot of my days, whether she knows it or not. shes amazing and talented and perfect and i miss being around her. lately, with all the bad news and accidents, its made me think a lot about the people i miss. it gets lonely in this narrow apartment. im always having to travel to enjoy myself and even then, if say i go to saras, i feel as though im intruding and never fully comfortable. i havent been to the city since new years [other than last night], and i miss that. the nights out with the girls, the pent up storms we held within us and then unforgivingly let them explode onto the upper westside pavement while we relentlessly confessed our secrets. mmm, the good ol days. i miss the adventure. the adventure was never lonely. i waaas in the city last night with dad. ah yes, the tourists have arrived in flocks. the theatre district is swarming with amature walkers, cameras flashing, and heads kept tilted back for ten blocks mesmerized by the bright lights. dad and i went to see hairspray. this was the second time ive seen it and we had a mezzanine view but brooke got me the tickets free. afterward, around midnight, we went for breakfast at the diner. it was a small fissture of light in my wickedly dark week.
i suppose this summer is something to look forward to. although, i know as soon as i step foot in savannahs pathetic excuse of an airport, im going stare in envy at the passengers having their privacy being successfully violated and tickets reading 'one way to new york'. the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. i wish to be in two places at once. location aside, the freedom of summer will be something i'll savor. revel in the unconsciousness, unoccupying thoughts, the beautiful unwind of final decisions and decided emotions.
i feel like my thoughts have just spilled out onto the laptop, seeped into the keys, and splattered themselves across the screen in no particular order, structured sentence, or sane manner. so please, dont mind this rant. its not creative, interesting, or a particularly happy read. my emotions and thoughts are spastic and probably better suited for the pen journal thats neatly tucked in my night stand drawer between a few photos, grams silk scarf, and the journals that got me threw high school. its been too long since ive released my crazies through ink.
but for now, these keys and screen will be my outlet.
my alarm will ring me into one more struggle,
t minus four hours
peace, Em