I've obviously developed insomnia...
So, I haven't been on here in I don't know... almost a year. I logged on first to see how my friend Gracey is doing but now I feel like it is a place to vent how I am feeling and hopefully get a response from some people who I don't have to worry about things getting around to the wrong people or hurting someone that I love dearly.
I got engaged a couple of weeks ago... Something I've wanted for over a year, but before I even knew that my boyfriend had got me a ring, I told him I feel differently about him. This all started a while ago in October when I asked him if he thought we could be soulmates because of our deep bond and he said plainly 'I don't believe in soul mates'. Quite a crushing reply to the one who wishes to be your blushing bride to be... Kind of got me thinking that maybe I there was something else out in the world for me than to just settle here in NYC and be a wife, a mother, and have a steady job. So, I've felt weird about being with Jon since and have frequently gone on tyrants of 'maybe we should just split up.' I'm trying to find myself again, regain something that I had lost two years ago because of a mistake I made with a certain someone... BUT ANYWAYS... I just feel like what I just said to my good friend Kyle a few minutes ago like I want to break out of a cage. I want to try new things, meet new people. Travel, move to Tokyo right after school. Even possibly see other people. BUT I know that he is my very best friend and that I could never be okay with seeing him with another person.
On the other hand, I have some crushes on some other people currently... Although they will never happen, it's just the knowledge that I feel strongly about other people that worries me. Plus, I haven't had too many female relationships in my life and nothing that was really solid, so I kind of want to see what that is like. God, I'm already 20 for fuck's sake! and I am also only 20 for fuck's sake! Kind of early to settle your life. Kind of early to tuck away your dreams in the remote regions of your heart. I want to still fight for them.
Recently I really just want to go have some fun. Hang out with friends, go to a club or something but I still have to get a fake ID... gah... I've kind of been feeling like taking up smoking again recently. I got some from a friend of mine when I was stressed out and we were hanging out and they were so good and now I crave them. BUT I have not conformed and I have not bought any, mainly cause I can't afford to start smoking right now XD I also have to find an apartment soon... I am going to look at one on Sunday hopefully, but Jon isn't available for me to take with me to every place I want to look at and none of my other friends are as available also... so I'm kind of stuck right now. I REFUSE to live in the dorm AGAIN next year. Totally not worth it....
So yeah, I am a bit crazy right now.
I got engaged a couple of weeks ago... Something I've wanted for over a year, but before I even knew that my boyfriend had got me a ring, I told him I feel differently about him. This all started a while ago in October when I asked him if he thought we could be soulmates because of our deep bond and he said plainly 'I don't believe in soul mates'. Quite a crushing reply to the one who wishes to be your blushing bride to be... Kind of got me thinking that maybe I there was something else out in the world for me than to just settle here in NYC and be a wife, a mother, and have a steady job. So, I've felt weird about being with Jon since and have frequently gone on tyrants of 'maybe we should just split up.' I'm trying to find myself again, regain something that I had lost two years ago because of a mistake I made with a certain someone... BUT ANYWAYS... I just feel like what I just said to my good friend Kyle a few minutes ago like I want to break out of a cage. I want to try new things, meet new people. Travel, move to Tokyo right after school. Even possibly see other people. BUT I know that he is my very best friend and that I could never be okay with seeing him with another person.
On the other hand, I have some crushes on some other people currently... Although they will never happen, it's just the knowledge that I feel strongly about other people that worries me. Plus, I haven't had too many female relationships in my life and nothing that was really solid, so I kind of want to see what that is like. God, I'm already 20 for fuck's sake! and I am also only 20 for fuck's sake! Kind of early to settle your life. Kind of early to tuck away your dreams in the remote regions of your heart. I want to still fight for them.
Recently I really just want to go have some fun. Hang out with friends, go to a club or something but I still have to get a fake ID... gah... I've kind of been feeling like taking up smoking again recently. I got some from a friend of mine when I was stressed out and we were hanging out and they were so good and now I crave them. BUT I have not conformed and I have not bought any, mainly cause I can't afford to start smoking right now XD I also have to find an apartment soon... I am going to look at one on Sunday hopefully, but Jon isn't available for me to take with me to every place I want to look at and none of my other friends are as available also... so I'm kind of stuck right now. I REFUSE to live in the dorm AGAIN next year. Totally not worth it....
So yeah, I am a bit crazy right now.