It's been awhile...
I haven't posted in a long time and since my friends are no where to be found and my little heart is being crushed yet again... it just might be best to rant on this little device.
I hate school to death, I am dreading coming back here next term especially since all of the classes that were left to sign up for were ones that I didn't want at all... Next term is going to be pretty shitty...
Conventions are getting too dramatic for my liking... I love my friends here, but they have so many problems with each other and Jon keeps on ditching everyone including me to go hang out with other girls and other people... I got so mad that me and my friend Stephanie (Anko as I may refer to her sometimes) were growling, literally, and getting so pissed at him the whole time. That is when my serious depression started again... If I wasn't important enough to hang out with at the con especially since I spent so much time and hard work on Jon's costume, then am I really worth anything to him?
Of course this week his "girlfriend" type person came to NYC to meet him and hang out with him, so he is torn between her and me... yet he told me just a couple of weeks ago that he loved me and couldn't bare to not see me... I don't know what to do anymore. My heart aches like crazy and I know what I should do, which is just break it off completely and just not see him anymore. But, everytime I bring it up, he seems to be okay with that in a way and asks if I want him to leave, but I really can't lie to him so I say no and then just cling on to him tighter. I hate this so much! Gah! I never wanted to feel this again! Someone please just make it go away... What broke my heart the most was that after thinking that he was going to be gone with that girl and her family for a few days, and then just last night around 10:30ish there was a knock on our dorm door and there he was... I was surprised and ashamed to say that I hoped that something had gone wrong between them and maybe he could be all mine for once... but no, the first thing he said to me was "I don't plan on starting a relationship with her for about another year until she moves up here." I just looked at him for a minute and I could feel my heart starting to break again... So he chose her over me... yet still wants me until she comes? I told him that he can't have us both and he told me that I am more than a friend to him and always will be. I told him that that wasn't good enough and that I could never just be friend with him... He said that he made a promise to himself about that girl... and I kept on telling him that it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair to me at all.
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? I shouldn't be here... I should be home.. I shouldn't have stayed for next semester just because of him, I should have left and gone to Tokyo! Is it too late? Can I still make it? My dad will be mad at me if I decide that now... but that is the best thing. I need to just cut this relationship off and start over somewhere new. I need my career and I need to see that it is right there, at my finger tips. No more giving up! Please! I need the strength to tell him no, I need the strength to let go of love and to do something for myself... Please...
I hate school to death, I am dreading coming back here next term especially since all of the classes that were left to sign up for were ones that I didn't want at all... Next term is going to be pretty shitty...
Conventions are getting too dramatic for my liking... I love my friends here, but they have so many problems with each other and Jon keeps on ditching everyone including me to go hang out with other girls and other people... I got so mad that me and my friend Stephanie (Anko as I may refer to her sometimes) were growling, literally, and getting so pissed at him the whole time. That is when my serious depression started again... If I wasn't important enough to hang out with at the con especially since I spent so much time and hard work on Jon's costume, then am I really worth anything to him?
Of course this week his "girlfriend" type person came to NYC to meet him and hang out with him, so he is torn between her and me... yet he told me just a couple of weeks ago that he loved me and couldn't bare to not see me... I don't know what to do anymore. My heart aches like crazy and I know what I should do, which is just break it off completely and just not see him anymore. But, everytime I bring it up, he seems to be okay with that in a way and asks if I want him to leave, but I really can't lie to him so I say no and then just cling on to him tighter. I hate this so much! Gah! I never wanted to feel this again! Someone please just make it go away... What broke my heart the most was that after thinking that he was going to be gone with that girl and her family for a few days, and then just last night around 10:30ish there was a knock on our dorm door and there he was... I was surprised and ashamed to say that I hoped that something had gone wrong between them and maybe he could be all mine for once... but no, the first thing he said to me was "I don't plan on starting a relationship with her for about another year until she moves up here." I just looked at him for a minute and I could feel my heart starting to break again... So he chose her over me... yet still wants me until she comes? I told him that he can't have us both and he told me that I am more than a friend to him and always will be. I told him that that wasn't good enough and that I could never just be friend with him... He said that he made a promise to himself about that girl... and I kept on telling him that it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair to me at all.
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? I shouldn't be here... I should be home.. I shouldn't have stayed for next semester just because of him, I should have left and gone to Tokyo! Is it too late? Can I still make it? My dad will be mad at me if I decide that now... but that is the best thing. I need to just cut this relationship off and start over somewhere new. I need my career and I need to see that it is right there, at my finger tips. No more giving up! Please! I need the strength to tell him no, I need the strength to let go of love and to do something for myself... Please...