so let's start with the dream...
So last night I had this crazy dream... I thing I was like superman or woman or whatever you want to call it and I was flyin around ya know minding my own business and then I fles into this city and there were all these people. And they saw me flying so I had to hurry and get out of there but I was lucky becuase I had the power to change form to so I just morphed to look like something else but I didn't fool anyone as soon as I walked back into the city! So then everyone was chasing me so I run into this abandoned building and it was weird in there. And I turn around and there's rachel's bro adam. Except he isn't adam he's lex luther and he's holding rachel's neice hostage. I go to save her and then kevin comes in and takes lil from adam and gives her a joint. and that was the end of my dream. Like I said it was a crazy dream...... Things have been rough lately. I haven't really been dealing well with them either. So if I'm in a bad mood or something around you don't necessarily think it's something you did. I've been going to a lot of doctor's lately and there are still more to come. Some are good, some are not. The next months still have a lot more to tell. My battle is far from over. It's very depressing not having anything to do day in and day out. I try and hang out with people and go out and do as much as I possibly can just to get out of the house and do something. I've applied for quite a few jobs but it's hard. I need flexible hours to works with appointments and then just kinda of light work to start off with. I miss school. I'm not supposed to start again until the fall so I don't get too overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with what?! I don't do anything. I feel like my life kinda has come to nothing. I don't mean this in a mean or offensive way to anyone but I used to be quite the shit. My grades rocked, I was decent at sports. All that was three years ago. I feel like I just lost all that urge to do anything anymore. Everyone else has a job and is in school. They're all doing something. I feel like one of those stupid dropouts everyone sits around and makes fun of. But hey lets face it people thats virtually what I am right now. And it blows. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where else to try applying. Or what else to do. I had a possible job at another camp in Port Huron for the summer (my grandma is the treasurer for the camp) but they filled the last slot already so now I'm just a reserve. Colorado is a definite no go because they don't have the funds. Because of Katrina people pulled their money. So now they had to merge foundations and they might actually be selling the ranch all together to the country club next door who is going to tear it down and put up more tennis courts and a parking lot. Everything just isn't clicking like it should be. So a few weeks ago we went to a coney dog fundraiser for relay by kaela's mom's work. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I would ahve given a million dollars to have driven 100 miles out of my way but not to have driven that way. I drove and I have rach and Kaela in the car with me. It's been about a year and one month now but at the time about a year. See to get to kaela's moms work you have to drive past the cemetery where my aunt is buried. I've avoided going down those streets and seeing those fences for a year now. I couldn't make myself do it. And when I had to drive past them I thought I was going to have to pull over. I was shaking so bad and I got real quiet. I almost broke down right then and there. I still haven't been to her grave. I can't do it. I can't even go to my grandpa's grave like I usually do because I can't go in there.because of her It hurts so bad. I'm so far from being over her being gone. And it's already been a year. If it hurts me this bad imagine my dad, or my grandparents or my uncle. I dunno. Just another thing on my list of sucky things on my mind right now I suppose. But on a happier note when I'm going out I having a good time. Paying video games and just having out and having a good time. Tonight goin to see pearl jam in Grand rapids. that should be fun. especially since we're goin with rach's dad although I don't know what he's going to do while we're in the concert but whatev! lol oh yes and lately we've been playing a game by marcus's by the name of hands down which by the way I suck at because I have about ummm let's see ZERO reflexes! so if you ever want to beat me at something that is the game to do it at. And then we have relay on sat which should be a good time as usual... then sunday don't really know what I'm doing yet... then on monday pearl jam again! woohoooooooooo anyway I think that was a good well needed update so peaceout!