Graduation
Yesterday I had my last day of classes ever. I had my last class ever (Ethics) and my last final exam ever (Ancient Philosophy). I'm still not done though; I have two papers to write, due Tuesday, and my English portfolio to arrange, due Monday. But I'm done needing to go to campus. This has not really sunk in yet, and I'm not going to let it until Wednesday, when I'm done done.
But hey, there's that ridiculous graduation ceremony thingy this Sunday, 18th! I have never planned on walking across a stage in a dress and getting a blank piece of paper and getting piss-myself excited over it. I just don't see the point in wasting the afternoon. But then I realize that, though I had never detailed these feelings to my family, they wouldn't be there regardless. My brother refuses to ask for time off from his job (that he hates), my mom is driving around the state of Michigan because she's crazy and entitled, and my dad is my dad so whatever. Knowing that none of them gave a shit, or at least didn't give a shit enough to make the slightest effort to show support for this one-time event in my life, bothered me.
It bothered me that they don't care about attending something that I myself don't care about attending. That is super-fucked-up crazy and inconsistent but that's how I felt. A few years ago I would have swallowed my feelings, because those stupid "feeling" things don't matter right? But no, today I feel my feelings and think about why I feel the ways that I do and try to promote healthy feelings and thinking. And even though it doesn't make any kind of sense, this bothered me. I mean, they could try. I've worked at this for 12 years, and it'll only happen once.
I mentioned this briefly to my sister (who lives in Michigan with her husband and 3 kids) just as a means of venting. She agrees they are being stupid. But oh! Because she sympathizes with me, she decides on the spot that she will come out this weekend to watch me walk across a stage. Well now, that's not necessary. But she insists. So, since they'll be in Grand Rapids Saturday afternoon (which is closer to Racine than where they live) they will all show up on Saturday, watch me cross a stage on Sunday, then they'll leave Sunday night. She insists. I wasn't going to go, but this feels nice, this weird feeling of someone actually insisting to make a big deal out of something happening to me. So OK, I get a little excited. I'm looking forward to it. Alyssa wants me there to, since she's graduating and wants to do some picture thing.
So I buy a cap and dress. Then today my sister tells me they are not coming because her husband thinks it'll be too much driving on him. I can't return the cap and dress, so I'm annoyed at that. I'm annoyed that I drove the six hours to get to brother-in-law's graduation, but he won't do the same. So I start remembering how, for the first 20+ years of my life no one ever showed interest in anything I was doing, or if so very rarely. I remember how I learned to just not care about anything, because every time I got excited about something it either wouldn't happen or it would get destroyed. I trained myself very well to just not care, to the point where caring about anything now requires active effort. I've only dug myself out of this grave of apathy in the last 5 or 6 years (part of the reason I moved here with my family was because no one expect my sister cared if I left). I am annoyed and sad, and don't even feel justified in feeling that because I didn't care about this stupid walk 4 days ago. So much easier to not care.
But I can't return the cap and dress so I might as well go and not disappoint Alyssa, right? I'll go and be bored and depressed so I don't waste $40 and don't disappoint my friend. Then my sister calls me an hour ago and tell me that brother-in-law has Monday off work, so they will come! Well that's nice and thoughtful and considerate! They'll be here Saturday night (tomorrow) through Monday afternoon.
Yay! Except I still have shit to do. I have 25 pages to write by Tuesday and my English portfolio to cobble together by Monday. I planned to have the entire weekend to work on it all, minus maybe 8 hours on Sunday. Now I don't. I have the next 27 hours to do it all, and I'm here writing a journal entry. I am not trying to be rude, only pragmatic: I don't have time to deal with company and screaming kids. Thanks for loving me; you are in the way.
It was easier not caring.
But hey, there's that ridiculous graduation ceremony thingy this Sunday, 18th! I have never planned on walking across a stage in a dress and getting a blank piece of paper and getting piss-myself excited over it. I just don't see the point in wasting the afternoon. But then I realize that, though I had never detailed these feelings to my family, they wouldn't be there regardless. My brother refuses to ask for time off from his job (that he hates), my mom is driving around the state of Michigan because she's crazy and entitled, and my dad is my dad so whatever. Knowing that none of them gave a shit, or at least didn't give a shit enough to make the slightest effort to show support for this one-time event in my life, bothered me.
It bothered me that they don't care about attending something that I myself don't care about attending. That is super-fucked-up crazy and inconsistent but that's how I felt. A few years ago I would have swallowed my feelings, because those stupid "feeling" things don't matter right? But no, today I feel my feelings and think about why I feel the ways that I do and try to promote healthy feelings and thinking. And even though it doesn't make any kind of sense, this bothered me. I mean, they could try. I've worked at this for 12 years, and it'll only happen once.
I mentioned this briefly to my sister (who lives in Michigan with her husband and 3 kids) just as a means of venting. She agrees they are being stupid. But oh! Because she sympathizes with me, she decides on the spot that she will come out this weekend to watch me walk across a stage. Well now, that's not necessary. But she insists. So, since they'll be in Grand Rapids Saturday afternoon (which is closer to Racine than where they live) they will all show up on Saturday, watch me cross a stage on Sunday, then they'll leave Sunday night. She insists. I wasn't going to go, but this feels nice, this weird feeling of someone actually insisting to make a big deal out of something happening to me. So OK, I get a little excited. I'm looking forward to it. Alyssa wants me there to, since she's graduating and wants to do some picture thing.
So I buy a cap and dress. Then today my sister tells me they are not coming because her husband thinks it'll be too much driving on him. I can't return the cap and dress, so I'm annoyed at that. I'm annoyed that I drove the six hours to get to brother-in-law's graduation, but he won't do the same. So I start remembering how, for the first 20+ years of my life no one ever showed interest in anything I was doing, or if so very rarely. I remember how I learned to just not care about anything, because every time I got excited about something it either wouldn't happen or it would get destroyed. I trained myself very well to just not care, to the point where caring about anything now requires active effort. I've only dug myself out of this grave of apathy in the last 5 or 6 years (part of the reason I moved here with my family was because no one expect my sister cared if I left). I am annoyed and sad, and don't even feel justified in feeling that because I didn't care about this stupid walk 4 days ago. So much easier to not care.
But I can't return the cap and dress so I might as well go and not disappoint Alyssa, right? I'll go and be bored and depressed so I don't waste $40 and don't disappoint my friend. Then my sister calls me an hour ago and tell me that brother-in-law has Monday off work, so they will come! Well that's nice and thoughtful and considerate! They'll be here Saturday night (tomorrow) through Monday afternoon.
Yay! Except I still have shit to do. I have 25 pages to write by Tuesday and my English portfolio to cobble together by Monday. I planned to have the entire weekend to work on it all, minus maybe 8 hours on Sunday. Now I don't. I have the next 27 hours to do it all, and I'm here writing a journal entry. I am not trying to be rude, only pragmatic: I don't have time to deal with company and screaming kids. Thanks for loving me; you are in the way.
It was easier not caring.