this is long overdue...
leaving was so surreal. i dont think i realized it was happening. cause i didn't cry. and i dont know why. maybe i was too anxious or jittery to cry. but seeing the ones i loved cry for me, was indescribable. there are amazing people at home, and i am so lucky to be friends with them. and i am so lucky they care enough to call or im or anything just to see how i am doing. it means the world. and i get to see your pictures everyday in my room, and it keeps me happy. i know where i came from, and i know who i am going back to. its an uplifting feeling. sitting in my living room on my last night, i felt like everything was going to be ok. i had this feeling come over me that when i come home, i will be taken in again as if nothing happened. and it made me feel safe. being surrounded by the people you love and knowing that they're gonna be there no matter what.. literally is priceless.
the fact that you promised things and never followed through really hurt. maybe you didnt realize how much it meant to me for you to actually be like yeah we need to hang out and do this and this and this before you leave. none of that happened. it was all a lie. the fact that you wouldnt want to say goodbye to me before i left for three months really hurt. it was as if i expected it, but i thought you might prove me wrong. you definitely proved me wrong in many other things though. i dont like thinking about how many times you must have lied to me. there's too many to count. i dont even want to think of when we were actually together. it hurts. and i always tend to look at the good in people, think the best of them, give them the benefit of the doubt, and i know that maybe i shouldnt. but i know i do. and it really got me this time. i was telling everyone no no its not like that i promise. i stood up for you. you made me think that it was everyone else who was wrong. everyone else was lieing. but really it was you. everyone else was right this time. and naturally, i trusted you and what you were telling me. why wouldnt i? you made me question my friends and their intentions when really they were just trying to help me. so i guess i learned who i could really trust. but now im gonna have a harder time with that. who can i really trust? i trusted you, you even told me i didnt have to, but i did. and that was a mistake. its funny now to look back. you really have your act down. like down pat. and that's what i was told. that it was all an act. and i didnt want to believe it. but that's really all it is. the same one. over and over. and over again. and it works every time. im so upset at myself for falling for it. but who wouldn't? its so fucking believable. im glad i got to be another check off your list. im glad i got to be forgotten. i can't believe this but at the same time i can completely. why did i think i would be different? why did i hold you in such high esteem? you're no where near there. and it hurts. cause i really thought you were. and i guess i just needed to get this out. cause im here. and away from it. and its better for me. i still wish you all the best. i hope you try a smore. and a blizzard. and go to a concert. and i hope your dreams come true. i hope you actually audition in college, cause you needed to make every play to keep your scholarship right? i hope you get to see your name in lights. and i hope you have people around you to enjoy it with. i just want you to be happy. that's what you always told me right?
or was that a lie too? "everyone's caught on to everything you do. everyone's caught on to you."
i really like minnesota. just being here and actually doing it. i cant even believe it. the classes are really interesting and like everything that i wanted them to be. its a ton of work. and im questioning where everyone told me that you have so much free time in college. well as usual, i dont have much. five classes, one honors, three writing intensive. but that's my fault. i did that to myself. but i need it to be like that. i started getting on this work out kick, and its really gonna help me. after some debate, i decided against the whole rowing thing. im trying to make the club dance team instead, cause id rather work hard for something i love to do. thanks to those who helped me with that. lol. the new student weekend ended up being extremely beneficial. the people i hang out with now i met there. i guess that's pretty lucky. they're a really good group of people. my floor really sucks. its really quiet. only a few people leave their door open. im at the end of the maze. i think three people near me arent even here. its so much different from what i expected college life to be. but i guess this is known as the quiet dorm, and it was proven as i was showing my group of my friends the way to my room, and at 7 o clock on a friday night, some girl yelled, "be quiet im trying to work!" my friend then replied with "bitch!" and we kept walking. one of my friends is greg's clone. like no joke. so its pretty cool. ryan came to visit! american idol! it was so much fun. i could not believe he was actually here! it made me a little homesick, seeing someone from home, but i was so glad i got to hang out with him. i feel like ive been here over a month already. and im not even close to that. its so weird. but i cant wait for future visits, whenever they are. and if not, its all good in the hooooood. im excited to see everyone when that time does come for me to go home, even though in reality it's a little far off. it's cold here already. and the weather is like really depressing. and i didnt pack very well. but mum sent a north face in the mail lol. but yeah, i hope to be making those promised phone calls this weekend lol. no luck with that yet, but it's all in good time i guess. and the stairwell next to my room.. when you close the door on the first level it sounds like a gunshot. like no joke. it scared the shit out of me yesterday. i was terrified. but it was just the door. ahhh.
today when me and doug were walking to the library there was this huge fight thing that like i could not get my mind off of all day. i dont know how it started or like what initiated it, but this guy who i dont know why he was on campus, some religious guy trying to convert people, stole this girl's Koran from her and said that she should follow the Bible since she's in america.. it was along those lines. she ended up slapping him across the face at one point. she kicked him too. but hello, he's freaking verbally attacking her in front of all these people. for what she believes in? he kept going on and on and making this huge scene in front of all these students. one of his people kept saying that she attacked him and that muslims think its ok to attack people. a few people tried to get in the middle of them, and were yelling back at him, because seriously..it was ridiculous how out of line and rude this was. he kept saying that this is america and ended up pointing at her and calling her a terrorist. on all days. like are you kidding? yeah its america. theres freedom of religion. you fucking idiot. fellow muslims ended up joining the fight, and we couldnt watch much more. i hate confrontation. and that was so out of line it was disturbing. and heart wrenching. i felt so terrible. and i didnt know how to react. and i wanted to be one of those people to go up to him and tell him that he is wrong and how dare he. but i wasnt. and i felt i should have been.
that was the one part of college i havent liked. and the door just shot again. damnit.
and omg i hope 4&G get on that freaking record label. because that would be more than amazing. and i cant wait for more word on it.
that was obnoxiously long. i apologize.
thanks again to everyone from home who can still make me feel at home when im on the phone with them. i cant wait to see you all again.
the fact that you promised things and never followed through really hurt. maybe you didnt realize how much it meant to me for you to actually be like yeah we need to hang out and do this and this and this before you leave. none of that happened. it was all a lie. the fact that you wouldnt want to say goodbye to me before i left for three months really hurt. it was as if i expected it, but i thought you might prove me wrong. you definitely proved me wrong in many other things though. i dont like thinking about how many times you must have lied to me. there's too many to count. i dont even want to think of when we were actually together. it hurts. and i always tend to look at the good in people, think the best of them, give them the benefit of the doubt, and i know that maybe i shouldnt. but i know i do. and it really got me this time. i was telling everyone no no its not like that i promise. i stood up for you. you made me think that it was everyone else who was wrong. everyone else was lieing. but really it was you. everyone else was right this time. and naturally, i trusted you and what you were telling me. why wouldnt i? you made me question my friends and their intentions when really they were just trying to help me. so i guess i learned who i could really trust. but now im gonna have a harder time with that. who can i really trust? i trusted you, you even told me i didnt have to, but i did. and that was a mistake. its funny now to look back. you really have your act down. like down pat. and that's what i was told. that it was all an act. and i didnt want to believe it. but that's really all it is. the same one. over and over. and over again. and it works every time. im so upset at myself for falling for it. but who wouldn't? its so fucking believable. im glad i got to be another check off your list. im glad i got to be forgotten. i can't believe this but at the same time i can completely. why did i think i would be different? why did i hold you in such high esteem? you're no where near there. and it hurts. cause i really thought you were. and i guess i just needed to get this out. cause im here. and away from it. and its better for me. i still wish you all the best. i hope you try a smore. and a blizzard. and go to a concert. and i hope your dreams come true. i hope you actually audition in college, cause you needed to make every play to keep your scholarship right? i hope you get to see your name in lights. and i hope you have people around you to enjoy it with. i just want you to be happy. that's what you always told me right?
or was that a lie too? "everyone's caught on to everything you do. everyone's caught on to you."
i really like minnesota. just being here and actually doing it. i cant even believe it. the classes are really interesting and like everything that i wanted them to be. its a ton of work. and im questioning where everyone told me that you have so much free time in college. well as usual, i dont have much. five classes, one honors, three writing intensive. but that's my fault. i did that to myself. but i need it to be like that. i started getting on this work out kick, and its really gonna help me. after some debate, i decided against the whole rowing thing. im trying to make the club dance team instead, cause id rather work hard for something i love to do. thanks to those who helped me with that. lol. the new student weekend ended up being extremely beneficial. the people i hang out with now i met there. i guess that's pretty lucky. they're a really good group of people. my floor really sucks. its really quiet. only a few people leave their door open. im at the end of the maze. i think three people near me arent even here. its so much different from what i expected college life to be. but i guess this is known as the quiet dorm, and it was proven as i was showing my group of my friends the way to my room, and at 7 o clock on a friday night, some girl yelled, "be quiet im trying to work!" my friend then replied with "bitch!" and we kept walking. one of my friends is greg's clone. like no joke. so its pretty cool. ryan came to visit! american idol! it was so much fun. i could not believe he was actually here! it made me a little homesick, seeing someone from home, but i was so glad i got to hang out with him. i feel like ive been here over a month already. and im not even close to that. its so weird. but i cant wait for future visits, whenever they are. and if not, its all good in the hooooood. im excited to see everyone when that time does come for me to go home, even though in reality it's a little far off. it's cold here already. and the weather is like really depressing. and i didnt pack very well. but mum sent a north face in the mail lol. but yeah, i hope to be making those promised phone calls this weekend lol. no luck with that yet, but it's all in good time i guess. and the stairwell next to my room.. when you close the door on the first level it sounds like a gunshot. like no joke. it scared the shit out of me yesterday. i was terrified. but it was just the door. ahhh.
today when me and doug were walking to the library there was this huge fight thing that like i could not get my mind off of all day. i dont know how it started or like what initiated it, but this guy who i dont know why he was on campus, some religious guy trying to convert people, stole this girl's Koran from her and said that she should follow the Bible since she's in america.. it was along those lines. she ended up slapping him across the face at one point. she kicked him too. but hello, he's freaking verbally attacking her in front of all these people. for what she believes in? he kept going on and on and making this huge scene in front of all these students. one of his people kept saying that she attacked him and that muslims think its ok to attack people. a few people tried to get in the middle of them, and were yelling back at him, because seriously..it was ridiculous how out of line and rude this was. he kept saying that this is america and ended up pointing at her and calling her a terrorist. on all days. like are you kidding? yeah its america. theres freedom of religion. you fucking idiot. fellow muslims ended up joining the fight, and we couldnt watch much more. i hate confrontation. and that was so out of line it was disturbing. and heart wrenching. i felt so terrible. and i didnt know how to react. and i wanted to be one of those people to go up to him and tell him that he is wrong and how dare he. but i wasnt. and i felt i should have been.
that was the one part of college i havent liked. and the door just shot again. damnit.
and omg i hope 4&G get on that freaking record label. because that would be more than amazing. and i cant wait for more word on it.
that was obnoxiously long. i apologize.
thanks again to everyone from home who can still make me feel at home when im on the phone with them. i cant wait to see you all again.