I live like a hermit in my own head
So I'm unhappy right now.
I'm unhappy with the situation at my house, because it's shitty, and my dad doesn't give a shit that I'm here, and all he does is yell at me to clean my room or my car. And then one days I don't have work, he asks me why I'm not working. I can't literally work every day, for my sanity's sake. I'm working 30 hours a week, but nothing is ever good enough for him. And the going out situation is ridiculous. He makes me come home by 11:30 at the very latest, if he's in a good mood. It sucks. Hard core. I'm almost 19, I want to be able to stay out. Not too mention in terms of curfew, I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I'm always home on time, and if I'm running late, I call him and let him know. I always ask before I leave and he knows where I'm going. It's just because he doesn't want to wait up for me, but he knows I come home on time, so why does he need to?
I'm unhappy with my room. It's such a fucking pigsty and it's making me miserable because I literally can't see an inch of carpet. But I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do about it. I literally have no where to keep stuff, other than my floor. I need to reorganize my closet or something, but I can't do that, because it requires a) being able to get to my closet and b) having to take stuff out of my closet in order to reorganize it, which in turn requires having somewhere to put the stuff. Not possible. It's just bad. And Sara would shit herself if I left anything out of my room. I would grab a bunch of boxes and move shit that I don't need to the basement, but it reeks down there because my dad decided he didn't want to take care of the dogs while I'm gone. I need my room to be clean, but I don't have time to do it, because I'm either working or exhausted from work.
I'm not happy with the work situation. I need to work the amount of hours I'm working, but I don't know if I can handle it. I feel like I live there, and I don't like that. It's like I have no life outside of work. If he scheduled me for better hours it would be fine, like 8-4 or 2-10 everyday. The alternating day/night shifts is hell, because it's like I go home, go to bed, and get up and go back to work again. And I never sit while I'm there, except my breaks, so my feet are constantly in pain. And they've usually barely recovered by the time I have to get up and go back to work. Not too mention I miss going to Keena's house. I can't stay at my house for weeks on end, I'll go insane.
I got upset with Matthew today, which upsets me, because I love Matthew. He's so clingy with Keena that he cries whenever she leaves the room without him, so she always leaves him with me to distract him, but he's not stupid, so no matter how hard I'm trying, he still knows his mother isn't there. So now he associates me with his mother leaving, and when he sees me, he grabs onto Keena. Because what I really need is to have my nephew hate me. I'm going to blame her for that, because she always dumps him on me. I don't blame him, but it's just another example of how I always put so much into my relationships with people and become so invested in them and then I don't get anything back.
I'm not okay with the situation with my grandfather. I know it's for the best that he moves out of his house and stuff, and I'm happy for him, but I literally can't handle it. It's making me into a sentimental basket case. His house is literally the last tie to my childhood, and where a lot of my best memories are. My house in Lebanon is gone, I'm not friends with any of my friends from when I was little anymore, except Chelsea who I never see, I've left all of my schools, my beach is still there but completely different, plus I get to go once a year about, so that sucks. It makes me miss my grandmother. We worked on cleaning out the sewing room today, and it was just wierd throwing away all of her unfinished knitting projects and stuff like that. The cedar chest is going to be hard, and so are her clothes. I hate change.
I'm unhappy with my love life. Being single is getting old, but that's insignificant right now compared to everything else.
Is it bad that I really don't give a shit about my birthday this year? Oh well, at least my grandpa isn't having a triple bypass like my birthday last year.
I'm unhappy with my self in general. I'm pretty much the heaviest I've ever been, I'm pale as fuck because I've gotten no sun, I need a haircut in the worst way, I have ginormous bags under my eyes because I'm tired and can't sleep. So basically I look like shit, and can't do much about it. I'm still eating well, but I don't have time to exercise because of work and trying to have a social life and a family life. I would do crunches and shit while watching tv, but since I don't have time for tv, that's out of the question. I also have nowhere to exercise, because Tony is always in the living room so that's awkward, and as it's been mentioned, I have no floor.
I hate the fact that I'm literally not doing anything this summer. I want to go somewhere. All I have to look forward to is registration, which just sounds silly that I'm so excited about helping freshmen and their parents get acquainted with Elmira. I can't wait to see Kayleigh though, and to get away from here for a few days, and go back home. I want school to start again, I'm ready to learn and stuff. I just wish I was going somewhere this summer, like somewhere that isn't here. Even if it was just New York City or something. All I want is to not be here.
I'm unhappy that I'm unhappy. That sounds dumb, but I really try to enjoy each day and see the good in everything and be optimistic and stuff, because my new year's resolution was that I was going to be less pessimistic and happier in general, and I was doing great until I came home. I feel like every aspect of my life sucks right now. I miss my friends from school like whoa, and I love hanging out with my friends here, which is good, but it seems like we're all bringing each other down, and I don't want that to happen. I like being happy and upbeat and funny. I like who I am at school so much better than who I am here. It's like I'm still 17 and caught up in all the same problems I was having over a year ago. Except I had money and was thinner then, and my nephew didn't hate me, and I had a bedroom, and my grandpa wasn't moving. But in terms of emotional stuff, I'm still who I was then, and I hate that. I always think I'm over that stage, but apparently I'm not. I want to be who I am at school all the time. Nothing is going right for me right now. I guess I just want someone to love me.
I'm unhappy with the situation at my house, because it's shitty, and my dad doesn't give a shit that I'm here, and all he does is yell at me to clean my room or my car. And then one days I don't have work, he asks me why I'm not working. I can't literally work every day, for my sanity's sake. I'm working 30 hours a week, but nothing is ever good enough for him. And the going out situation is ridiculous. He makes me come home by 11:30 at the very latest, if he's in a good mood. It sucks. Hard core. I'm almost 19, I want to be able to stay out. Not too mention in terms of curfew, I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I'm always home on time, and if I'm running late, I call him and let him know. I always ask before I leave and he knows where I'm going. It's just because he doesn't want to wait up for me, but he knows I come home on time, so why does he need to?
I'm unhappy with my room. It's such a fucking pigsty and it's making me miserable because I literally can't see an inch of carpet. But I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do about it. I literally have no where to keep stuff, other than my floor. I need to reorganize my closet or something, but I can't do that, because it requires a) being able to get to my closet and b) having to take stuff out of my closet in order to reorganize it, which in turn requires having somewhere to put the stuff. Not possible. It's just bad. And Sara would shit herself if I left anything out of my room. I would grab a bunch of boxes and move shit that I don't need to the basement, but it reeks down there because my dad decided he didn't want to take care of the dogs while I'm gone. I need my room to be clean, but I don't have time to do it, because I'm either working or exhausted from work.
I'm not happy with the work situation. I need to work the amount of hours I'm working, but I don't know if I can handle it. I feel like I live there, and I don't like that. It's like I have no life outside of work. If he scheduled me for better hours it would be fine, like 8-4 or 2-10 everyday. The alternating day/night shifts is hell, because it's like I go home, go to bed, and get up and go back to work again. And I never sit while I'm there, except my breaks, so my feet are constantly in pain. And they've usually barely recovered by the time I have to get up and go back to work. Not too mention I miss going to Keena's house. I can't stay at my house for weeks on end, I'll go insane.
I got upset with Matthew today, which upsets me, because I love Matthew. He's so clingy with Keena that he cries whenever she leaves the room without him, so she always leaves him with me to distract him, but he's not stupid, so no matter how hard I'm trying, he still knows his mother isn't there. So now he associates me with his mother leaving, and when he sees me, he grabs onto Keena. Because what I really need is to have my nephew hate me. I'm going to blame her for that, because she always dumps him on me. I don't blame him, but it's just another example of how I always put so much into my relationships with people and become so invested in them and then I don't get anything back.
I'm not okay with the situation with my grandfather. I know it's for the best that he moves out of his house and stuff, and I'm happy for him, but I literally can't handle it. It's making me into a sentimental basket case. His house is literally the last tie to my childhood, and where a lot of my best memories are. My house in Lebanon is gone, I'm not friends with any of my friends from when I was little anymore, except Chelsea who I never see, I've left all of my schools, my beach is still there but completely different, plus I get to go once a year about, so that sucks. It makes me miss my grandmother. We worked on cleaning out the sewing room today, and it was just wierd throwing away all of her unfinished knitting projects and stuff like that. The cedar chest is going to be hard, and so are her clothes. I hate change.
I'm unhappy with my love life. Being single is getting old, but that's insignificant right now compared to everything else.
Is it bad that I really don't give a shit about my birthday this year? Oh well, at least my grandpa isn't having a triple bypass like my birthday last year.
I'm unhappy with my self in general. I'm pretty much the heaviest I've ever been, I'm pale as fuck because I've gotten no sun, I need a haircut in the worst way, I have ginormous bags under my eyes because I'm tired and can't sleep. So basically I look like shit, and can't do much about it. I'm still eating well, but I don't have time to exercise because of work and trying to have a social life and a family life. I would do crunches and shit while watching tv, but since I don't have time for tv, that's out of the question. I also have nowhere to exercise, because Tony is always in the living room so that's awkward, and as it's been mentioned, I have no floor.
I hate the fact that I'm literally not doing anything this summer. I want to go somewhere. All I have to look forward to is registration, which just sounds silly that I'm so excited about helping freshmen and their parents get acquainted with Elmira. I can't wait to see Kayleigh though, and to get away from here for a few days, and go back home. I want school to start again, I'm ready to learn and stuff. I just wish I was going somewhere this summer, like somewhere that isn't here. Even if it was just New York City or something. All I want is to not be here.
I'm unhappy that I'm unhappy. That sounds dumb, but I really try to enjoy each day and see the good in everything and be optimistic and stuff, because my new year's resolution was that I was going to be less pessimistic and happier in general, and I was doing great until I came home. I feel like every aspect of my life sucks right now. I miss my friends from school like whoa, and I love hanging out with my friends here, which is good, but it seems like we're all bringing each other down, and I don't want that to happen. I like being happy and upbeat and funny. I like who I am at school so much better than who I am here. It's like I'm still 17 and caught up in all the same problems I was having over a year ago. Except I had money and was thinner then, and my nephew didn't hate me, and I had a bedroom, and my grandpa wasn't moving. But in terms of emotional stuff, I'm still who I was then, and I hate that. I always think I'm over that stage, but apparently I'm not. I want to be who I am at school all the time. Nothing is going right for me right now. I guess I just want someone to love me.