I can't believe a year went by so fast.
So I went to graduation tonight, and I'm about to get all deep and thoughtful, so you've been warned.
I sat there in my seat, next to three of my best friends in the world, watching some of my other friends get their diplomas and stuff, and all I could think about was the fact that I've been out of high school for a year. 365 days really doesn't sound like that many, but then when I think about it, I can't believe how much I've changed. First of all, let's look at the big thing. Matthew. A year ago, Matthew was two months old, and I obviously loved him and thought he was adorable, but at that point, he wasn't a huge part of my life. I had honestly only seen him about 5 times. In the last year, I've spent so much time with Matthew and he has grown up so much, and I can't even begin to fathom how much I love him. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love Matthew. He just makes me laugh so much and when he laughs it brings tears to my eyes because I love to see him so happy. I'll do anything to make him laugh, including making a total ass out of myself. I just love him so much. I don't even know what to say about it. He's been in my life less than most people, and he's one of the most important people. I never thought I would be as good with him as I am. I also worried that he would hurt my relationship with my sister, but if anything, he's made it so much stronger. I could listen to her talk about him on the phone for hours, and sometimes I do (well, like 45 minutes). I love being at her house when I'm home because I love spending time with him, so in turn, I get to spend more time with her as well. We're in constant email contact because she always sends pictures. Matthew has completed my life. After Nanny died, there was a void, and Matthew filled it, and I love him.
Second, I'm in fucking college. In fact, I'm done with my first year of it. I love everyone I've met there, and my friends at school have turned into a second family, and I hate the fact that I'm away from them right now. College has taught me to really appreciate each day, because even on the bad days, there was something good in them too. I'm a completely different person at school than I am with my family. I'm just so completely and utterly happy at Elmira, and I know that I made the right decision when I chose to go there. I haven't been this happy in god knows how long, and I'm so glad that these people have come into my life and forced me out of my shell and made me a better person. I love you guys.
Third, my relationship with my father. I think my being away made me realize that he really does love me, and things have been good between us the last few times I've been home. I feel more comfortable standing up to him now too, which is good, because it has gotten some results. I do love my dad, and I've realized that he has always had the best of intentions, and that he does love me and has done the best he can, and I've told him that, which is good, because I think he deserves to know it. I mean, honestly, the man lost his wife and had to raise his three year old alone, for the most part. I had a good childhood. He did a good job.
Fourth, I think I've got Aaron pretty much out of my life. Yeah, he still calls occasionally, but the last time I talked to him was August, so I think I'm doing pretty well. He no longer haunts me. The scars from that relationship have healed, and I don't regret it anymore, because it made me a better, stronger person.
I know exactly who I am now. I figured out what I want to do and what I don't want to do. I know where I want to live. I know exactly where my life is going, and that makes me happy.
My confidence has grown. I didn't make any enemies at school, I can't think of anyone who hates me, so I guess I can't be all that bad, huh?
I figured out my politics and my religion. I know what I believe in.
I'm more openminded.
And on the same token, I'm still the same person I was when it was me and my friends wearing those hats. 15 months later, I'm still not over certain people, and I don't really think that's such a bad thing anymore. I'm not going to deny my emotions. And I'm still too scared to do anything about it. I still hate being at my house, and I think that each summer, it's going to get progressively harder to be here. I still love my friends from home insanely, and no matter where my road takes me, I know that I'll have them. We don't talk much when we're at school, but when I'm with them, it's like we've never been away from each other. I'm still sad about graduating. I miss high school. I wouldn't trade my life now for my life then, but senior year kicked ass. Out of every single class I have taken in my 14 years of school, AP European History is still my favorite, and Mr. Carr remains the best teacher I have ever had. I still love a lot of the same things, I still hate wearing socks and love driving on days when the sun is shining and I can roll my window down. My quirks are still there, and I think that's a good thing.
I listen to "The Boxer" a lot. It's one of my favorite songs. I love the words to the missing verse, because they describe me perfectly right now...
Now the years are rolling by me
They are rocking evenly
I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be
That's not unusual
No, it isn't strange
After changes upon changes we are more or less the same
After changes we are more or less the same
In other news, there is a mosquito in my room that is bothering me.
I sat there in my seat, next to three of my best friends in the world, watching some of my other friends get their diplomas and stuff, and all I could think about was the fact that I've been out of high school for a year. 365 days really doesn't sound like that many, but then when I think about it, I can't believe how much I've changed. First of all, let's look at the big thing. Matthew. A year ago, Matthew was two months old, and I obviously loved him and thought he was adorable, but at that point, he wasn't a huge part of my life. I had honestly only seen him about 5 times. In the last year, I've spent so much time with Matthew and he has grown up so much, and I can't even begin to fathom how much I love him. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love Matthew. He just makes me laugh so much and when he laughs it brings tears to my eyes because I love to see him so happy. I'll do anything to make him laugh, including making a total ass out of myself. I just love him so much. I don't even know what to say about it. He's been in my life less than most people, and he's one of the most important people. I never thought I would be as good with him as I am. I also worried that he would hurt my relationship with my sister, but if anything, he's made it so much stronger. I could listen to her talk about him on the phone for hours, and sometimes I do (well, like 45 minutes). I love being at her house when I'm home because I love spending time with him, so in turn, I get to spend more time with her as well. We're in constant email contact because she always sends pictures. Matthew has completed my life. After Nanny died, there was a void, and Matthew filled it, and I love him.
Second, I'm in fucking college. In fact, I'm done with my first year of it. I love everyone I've met there, and my friends at school have turned into a second family, and I hate the fact that I'm away from them right now. College has taught me to really appreciate each day, because even on the bad days, there was something good in them too. I'm a completely different person at school than I am with my family. I'm just so completely and utterly happy at Elmira, and I know that I made the right decision when I chose to go there. I haven't been this happy in god knows how long, and I'm so glad that these people have come into my life and forced me out of my shell and made me a better person. I love you guys.
Third, my relationship with my father. I think my being away made me realize that he really does love me, and things have been good between us the last few times I've been home. I feel more comfortable standing up to him now too, which is good, because it has gotten some results. I do love my dad, and I've realized that he has always had the best of intentions, and that he does love me and has done the best he can, and I've told him that, which is good, because I think he deserves to know it. I mean, honestly, the man lost his wife and had to raise his three year old alone, for the most part. I had a good childhood. He did a good job.
Fourth, I think I've got Aaron pretty much out of my life. Yeah, he still calls occasionally, but the last time I talked to him was August, so I think I'm doing pretty well. He no longer haunts me. The scars from that relationship have healed, and I don't regret it anymore, because it made me a better, stronger person.
I know exactly who I am now. I figured out what I want to do and what I don't want to do. I know where I want to live. I know exactly where my life is going, and that makes me happy.
My confidence has grown. I didn't make any enemies at school, I can't think of anyone who hates me, so I guess I can't be all that bad, huh?
I figured out my politics and my religion. I know what I believe in.
I'm more openminded.
And on the same token, I'm still the same person I was when it was me and my friends wearing those hats. 15 months later, I'm still not over certain people, and I don't really think that's such a bad thing anymore. I'm not going to deny my emotions. And I'm still too scared to do anything about it. I still hate being at my house, and I think that each summer, it's going to get progressively harder to be here. I still love my friends from home insanely, and no matter where my road takes me, I know that I'll have them. We don't talk much when we're at school, but when I'm with them, it's like we've never been away from each other. I'm still sad about graduating. I miss high school. I wouldn't trade my life now for my life then, but senior year kicked ass. Out of every single class I have taken in my 14 years of school, AP European History is still my favorite, and Mr. Carr remains the best teacher I have ever had. I still love a lot of the same things, I still hate wearing socks and love driving on days when the sun is shining and I can roll my window down. My quirks are still there, and I think that's a good thing.
I listen to "The Boxer" a lot. It's one of my favorite songs. I love the words to the missing verse, because they describe me perfectly right now...
Now the years are rolling by me
They are rocking evenly
I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be
That's not unusual
No, it isn't strange
After changes upon changes we are more or less the same
After changes we are more or less the same
In other news, there is a mosquito in my room that is bothering me.