Fall
The middle
I found a routine, one that seems so far away now. I had my pillar and I had my way out . I was excited at moments and new I could handle the rest. I could sleep in that room that was too small before and be grateful it was as big as it was. I went to the places I told myself I would go to and some nights I had the right state of mind to look around and see how new and bright it all was.
I went home, took a breath, and came back.
We yelled most of the time. That wasn’t the problem, that was just our way of easing the pain when it was over. At night, his arms weren’t around me anymore, and I didn’t notice. We had faded. I knew it had happened before I left, but I wanted to hold on just a little longer. I knew I was going to hurt him, and I knew it would hurt me to say it. He saw it all along. He saw the change in my eyes and my stance. He ask to know but I knew that he really didn’t want to hear the answer, not till he had to.
I saw it unraveling and I let it happen.
When the words came out, I cried for him and for me. All I wanted at that moment was his happiness, all I needed was to know we would both be ok. We ended on a maybe.
I don’t want to go back, but I’m grateful I was there at one time.