All Your Housecleaning Are Belong To Us
Tonight the wifey is visiting friends and I am going to try to Clean The Apartment. This isn’t so much a hygienic procedure as an archaeological expedition. Not only do we have the stacks and boxes of stuff in the way that we haven’t sorted in years, but we have clothes thrown everywhere and we have the piles and boxes from the emptied storage unit and more stuff left over from Hypericon. It is a massive, eclectic and perilously teetering pile of stuff. I think I need a sign for the yard that says “Beware Of Stuff”.
I am considering various plans of attack.
Plan Alpha: I go to the computer room, drink diet soda and look at porn and hope the problem goes away. This didn’t work the last twenty-eight times so I’ll probably rule this one out.
Plan Beta: Burn the mother down and start over. I don’t know where the matches are. I also can’t find my phone charger, the last two movies I purchased or my red t-shirt. I would like to use/see/wear these things and although the Cleansing Flames of Housecleaning would get rid of a lot of my issues, it would prevent me from utilizing these items and the dozens of other usable/watchable/wearable stuff. Plus, men in trucks will spray water at me. Again. Color this plan scratched.
Plan … uh…. Three (is it Gamma? I think it’s Gamma.): I take a lot of stuff out of the living room and dump into another room. I clear the couches and chairs and the coffee table. Then, I start by going through the stuff, dividing clothes by how they should be washed. I also pile books into 5 stacks: Keep (largest), Get Rid Of (smallest), Decide Later (or else I wont get anything done), Belongs To The Wifey and Where The Hell Did This Come From?!?.
When the first pile of clothes reaches Washing Machine Load size, I put it into the Washing Machine. Then I cackle madly while putting in the detergent, shut the door, start that sucker up and yell “It’s Alive! It’s Alive!”
I also have a couple of empty boxes nearby so I can put in items that can be classified as OTHER but don’t have an obvious place to be stored. Thinks like drinking glasses and shampoo. Then I can decide what room these go in later.
(Laundry Tip: If you wash your underwear with the dark socks, they turn grey. Afterwards, you can wash your grey underwear with dark socks, but now it’s ok.)
Plan Delta: Take a nap, then go with Plan Alpha. This is procrastination at its worst. Seriously. Why put off till tomorrow what you can accomplish today. That porn’s not gonna watch itself, right? However, it will have the same results that plan A did the last 28 times, with the added bonus of it now being dark outside.
Plan 5 (I forgot the letter here. I think it’s either Epsilon or Spoon): Clean the Kitchen. We don’t have a dishwasher (unless you count me as the dishwasher) so I can stack the many many many plates and bowls waiting to be washed and start soaking them a few at a time while I clean up the mess of books, papers and debris on, under and around the dining/gaming table. I take out some trash, I clean off the stove, I restack the disaster that is on our shelves.
Plan Zeta: I stack the dishes, put some in the sink, let them soak, go into Plan Gamma with occasional breaks into the kitchen to do more dishes. If I can clear two chairs and a couch, do two loads of dishes and at least one load of laundry I will feel like I’ve accomplished something. Later I will treat myself to a movie. Hopefully one of the two I lost in the living room.
Wish me luck.
PS - If you didn’t read my last post please do so. Did I go to far? Did I cross a line here? Lemme know.
I am considering various plans of attack.
Plan Alpha: I go to the computer room, drink diet soda and look at porn and hope the problem goes away. This didn’t work the last twenty-eight times so I’ll probably rule this one out.
Plan Beta: Burn the mother down and start over. I don’t know where the matches are. I also can’t find my phone charger, the last two movies I purchased or my red t-shirt. I would like to use/see/wear these things and although the Cleansing Flames of Housecleaning would get rid of a lot of my issues, it would prevent me from utilizing these items and the dozens of other usable/watchable/wearable stuff. Plus, men in trucks will spray water at me. Again. Color this plan scratched.
Plan … uh…. Three (is it Gamma? I think it’s Gamma.): I take a lot of stuff out of the living room and dump into another room. I clear the couches and chairs and the coffee table. Then, I start by going through the stuff, dividing clothes by how they should be washed. I also pile books into 5 stacks: Keep (largest), Get Rid Of (smallest), Decide Later (or else I wont get anything done), Belongs To The Wifey and Where The Hell Did This Come From?!?.
When the first pile of clothes reaches Washing Machine Load size, I put it into the Washing Machine. Then I cackle madly while putting in the detergent, shut the door, start that sucker up and yell “It’s Alive! It’s Alive!”
I also have a couple of empty boxes nearby so I can put in items that can be classified as OTHER but don’t have an obvious place to be stored. Thinks like drinking glasses and shampoo. Then I can decide what room these go in later.
(Laundry Tip: If you wash your underwear with the dark socks, they turn grey. Afterwards, you can wash your grey underwear with dark socks, but now it’s ok.)
Plan Delta: Take a nap, then go with Plan Alpha. This is procrastination at its worst. Seriously. Why put off till tomorrow what you can accomplish today. That porn’s not gonna watch itself, right? However, it will have the same results that plan A did the last 28 times, with the added bonus of it now being dark outside.
Plan 5 (I forgot the letter here. I think it’s either Epsilon or Spoon): Clean the Kitchen. We don’t have a dishwasher (unless you count me as the dishwasher) so I can stack the many many many plates and bowls waiting to be washed and start soaking them a few at a time while I clean up the mess of books, papers and debris on, under and around the dining/gaming table. I take out some trash, I clean off the stove, I restack the disaster that is on our shelves.
Plan Zeta: I stack the dishes, put some in the sink, let them soak, go into Plan Gamma with occasional breaks into the kitchen to do more dishes. If I can clear two chairs and a couch, do two loads of dishes and at least one load of laundry I will feel like I’ve accomplished something. Later I will treat myself to a movie. Hopefully one of the two I lost in the living room.
Wish me luck.
PS - If you didn’t read my last post please do so. Did I go to far? Did I cross a line here? Lemme know.