I did a strange thing again....
I just had the strangest night.... I can barely believe that happened. No, I can barely believe anything that's happened these past few days, but....
I was dreaming... Isolde-sensei was there, in my dreams. She was angry at me, she was in pain because of me, and all around us the world was crumbling and shaking, and I just wanted to-- I wanted to so much to help her, I guess, to ease her heartache, to tear down the barriers that kept her from understanding me.... I could feel myself crying out in my sleep....
And I awoke to that feeling, that terrible suffocation, that feeling of something gripping my heart in its hand like it would never let me go.
I shot up in fear, and I looked around for Sulpher... I could barely see anything in the darkness, but the door was pushed open a crack, and I could see him standing there in silhouette against the light of the hall, staring back at me with these piercing, burning eyes.... It was dark, I shouldn't have been able to see his face, but those eyes were alive with fire. I stumbled across the room towards him, half-crawling, just grabbing onto things for support as I went... I don't know how Roxis even stayed asleep through all the noise I must have made, but he didn't stir. I was kind of relieved, because if he'd woken and asked what I was doing, I don't think I'd have been able to explain.
Sulpher waited until I was by his side, and then he just... kept walking. Down the corridor, out of the dorms, into the cold yard with me in my nightclothes, following him. Like he was possessed, or like I was. Like he didn't know why he was going, and I didn't know why I was following, but the pull on our hearts couldn't be tolerated. If one of us had to go, so did the other. That he'd walked away from me, to the point of that agony... something must have been driving him so strongly....
I don't know what the other students must have thought of us, stumbling across campus at the dead of night... probably looking like the walking dead. I don't know if anyone saw where we ended up. I'm embarrassed to even say it, but... we found ourselves outside the infirmary. And Sulpher went, and he stood by the door, and he just looked at me, like I should open it.... Like I should open it! In the middle of the night, alone, for no reason, when there was no one else there but Isolde-sensei! But there was a reason... I just didn't know what it was... maybe I still don't....
Thankfully, it didn't wake her up to open it.... She was sleeping, and the way her face looked it was like she'd been crying. And... I guess... we just lay down, on the ground, and fell asleep again ourselves. All the energy left my body, and just poured out, like this white light... no, it wasn't just like a light, it was a real light, this light that filled the room and poured into her... and I just collapsed then, this wave of peace and euphoria and a kind of giddy nausea overtaking me....
And then I woke up, and... she wasn't there. She wasn't in her bed. Surely she wasn't well enough to have gone back.... Did I wish for something to happen to her? I don't even know where she is now....
I do these things.... Because I'm a Mana, I do these things... because... because I wish for it? But I don't think I understand... what that really means....
I was dreaming... Isolde-sensei was there, in my dreams. She was angry at me, she was in pain because of me, and all around us the world was crumbling and shaking, and I just wanted to-- I wanted to so much to help her, I guess, to ease her heartache, to tear down the barriers that kept her from understanding me.... I could feel myself crying out in my sleep....
And I awoke to that feeling, that terrible suffocation, that feeling of something gripping my heart in its hand like it would never let me go.
I shot up in fear, and I looked around for Sulpher... I could barely see anything in the darkness, but the door was pushed open a crack, and I could see him standing there in silhouette against the light of the hall, staring back at me with these piercing, burning eyes.... It was dark, I shouldn't have been able to see his face, but those eyes were alive with fire. I stumbled across the room towards him, half-crawling, just grabbing onto things for support as I went... I don't know how Roxis even stayed asleep through all the noise I must have made, but he didn't stir. I was kind of relieved, because if he'd woken and asked what I was doing, I don't think I'd have been able to explain.
Sulpher waited until I was by his side, and then he just... kept walking. Down the corridor, out of the dorms, into the cold yard with me in my nightclothes, following him. Like he was possessed, or like I was. Like he didn't know why he was going, and I didn't know why I was following, but the pull on our hearts couldn't be tolerated. If one of us had to go, so did the other. That he'd walked away from me, to the point of that agony... something must have been driving him so strongly....
I don't know what the other students must have thought of us, stumbling across campus at the dead of night... probably looking like the walking dead. I don't know if anyone saw where we ended up. I'm embarrassed to even say it, but... we found ourselves outside the infirmary. And Sulpher went, and he stood by the door, and he just looked at me, like I should open it.... Like I should open it! In the middle of the night, alone, for no reason, when there was no one else there but Isolde-sensei! But there was a reason... I just didn't know what it was... maybe I still don't....
Thankfully, it didn't wake her up to open it.... She was sleeping, and the way her face looked it was like she'd been crying. And... I guess... we just lay down, on the ground, and fell asleep again ourselves. All the energy left my body, and just poured out, like this white light... no, it wasn't just like a light, it was a real light, this light that filled the room and poured into her... and I just collapsed then, this wave of peace and euphoria and a kind of giddy nausea overtaking me....
And then I woke up, and... she wasn't there. She wasn't in her bed. Surely she wasn't well enough to have gone back.... Did I wish for something to happen to her? I don't even know where she is now....
I do these things.... Because I'm a Mana, I do these things... because... because I wish for it? But I don't think I understand... what that really means....