(no subject)
so its pushing three am and i've given up on sleeping, at least for the moment. i was starting to go stir crazy up in bed so i came down here to take a pill (took one about three hours ago and it didn't do a damn thing) and write about stuff i was thinking about until this pill kicks in (which it most likely won't, so i'll just crawl up in bed to sit in another half hour) i was thinking about the thing with chris leaving, and that got me thinking about all the friends i've lost in the past. i could list a couple friends from preschool to 4th grade, but that's really just pissant shit and i'd be some sort of retarded if i still cared about that. lets hit the biggies:
javier
yeah, we've started hanging out again, and its great. but its nothing like it could have been, not even like it was. i'm just not around enough to be a really good friend, and we didn't know each other as well as we could before high school then drifted apart in highschool. its my parents fault for being strict. but its no mystery, i couldn't be around enough, he got different friends.
ashley sheppard
first person that ever asked me if i wanted to do something without me pestering them first. she's one of the three completely unique people i've ever met in my life, and i really liked her. she could have been a best friend at a time where i didn't really have friends. then my mom conned me into going to florida for a week when i didn't have to, ashley got kicked out of her house while i was gone, and i never saw her again. kept up a ramshackle email correspondance with her, talked to her on aim quite a bit when i first got the program. we even talked on the phone a bit and were going to meet each other when i was living in grand rapids at the same time as her. but then she stopped answering my calls, and i found she blocked me on AIM... i don't know what happened. i know i drove her away somehow. i just wish i knew. i really wish i could talk to her again. probably the biggest one on the list.
lauren pray
very cool girl. i guess i just wasn't exciting enough for her, so she drifted away fast. someone else i wish i could see again.
kate
my best friend then short-lived girlfriend that still stayed friends with me after our relationship ended rather messily. sometimes i'm afraid i won't see her again. she's always in michigan, and leads a very busy, very full life. when i am in alma, shes usually busy... the last time i really spent time with her was this summer... so anyway, we hardly ever see each other, we don't talk anymore. i'm afraid if we do manage to spend some time together it will be awkward and she won't enjoy it. the first time i saw her after college i was shocked; she had built a whole new life for herself with lots of brand new friends. i, on the other hand, was still stuck in same spot as always, living in memories and trying to ignore what was happening in the present. since then i've grown and changed a good deal, as have my interests, my demeanor, and my general perception of everything. she's changed and i've changed and i don't know if i'm the kind of person she'd like to hang out with anymore. i want to email her sometime, but i don't know what i could write that she'd be interested in, and 'hey, how are you' isn't really anyhing to respond to. i guess i'm thinking about this more becuase spring break is coming up, and its during a weeks she'll be in school so i probably won't see her, and i'm hoping desperately not to be in alma again this summer.
there's other stuff too, but i don't feel like typing anymore, and most of it deals with people i still know and would be better left unsaid. it just seems like everyone but stephanie is drifting away. i find no pain it, and little sorrow. but there is regret. as i said in my last email, its just a fact of life that i'm rolling with. i guess it all comes down to missing having a real group of friends. freshman year we were a damn family. a group of people that all knew and liked each other. all i've got now is david and stephanie and that's more arranged as a line with me in the middle than a big criss-cross connecting group. sure, there's some tenunous stragglers attached to david and i, but it doesn't really compare. there's no group anymore. the current "group" is me and david and stephanie, and i don't even know if david likes her. no big bunch of friends that do everything together, just calls and plans and changes of mind a dissapoint. without that group of friends i find it hard to find a place i really belong, a refuge or whatever. a family. that's it. there's no family anymore. no group. bah.i've lost my point in this pill haze and i don't really care
a quick PS quote i copyed into here on how i used to be able to fall right alseep
its not really meditation, i'm not emptying my mind, filling it, let chaos fill it randomness, anything you can think of, the trick is just not to concetrate on anything specific, or you will latch onto that and your brain will become attentive, and you don't want that. concentrate on teh chaos. then i'd just start thinking of a random conversation and insert random responses into it... not truly random, i'd think of them then say them in my head... but i keep repeating this over and voer, and eventually things will pop up that you didn't think of, stuff from your subconcious, dream fragments. now, sometimes they startle you, and then you get alert and have to start from the beginning. but if you keep it up the truly random things will get mroe and mroe frequent, then you'll see images, then whole entire dreams scenes, and they get more and more frequent then.... you're dreaming and you wake up the next moring
concentrate on the chaos, everbody. its the road to peace
javier
yeah, we've started hanging out again, and its great. but its nothing like it could have been, not even like it was. i'm just not around enough to be a really good friend, and we didn't know each other as well as we could before high school then drifted apart in highschool. its my parents fault for being strict. but its no mystery, i couldn't be around enough, he got different friends.
ashley sheppard
first person that ever asked me if i wanted to do something without me pestering them first. she's one of the three completely unique people i've ever met in my life, and i really liked her. she could have been a best friend at a time where i didn't really have friends. then my mom conned me into going to florida for a week when i didn't have to, ashley got kicked out of her house while i was gone, and i never saw her again. kept up a ramshackle email correspondance with her, talked to her on aim quite a bit when i first got the program. we even talked on the phone a bit and were going to meet each other when i was living in grand rapids at the same time as her. but then she stopped answering my calls, and i found she blocked me on AIM... i don't know what happened. i know i drove her away somehow. i just wish i knew. i really wish i could talk to her again. probably the biggest one on the list.
lauren pray
very cool girl. i guess i just wasn't exciting enough for her, so she drifted away fast. someone else i wish i could see again.
kate
my best friend then short-lived girlfriend that still stayed friends with me after our relationship ended rather messily. sometimes i'm afraid i won't see her again. she's always in michigan, and leads a very busy, very full life. when i am in alma, shes usually busy... the last time i really spent time with her was this summer... so anyway, we hardly ever see each other, we don't talk anymore. i'm afraid if we do manage to spend some time together it will be awkward and she won't enjoy it. the first time i saw her after college i was shocked; she had built a whole new life for herself with lots of brand new friends. i, on the other hand, was still stuck in same spot as always, living in memories and trying to ignore what was happening in the present. since then i've grown and changed a good deal, as have my interests, my demeanor, and my general perception of everything. she's changed and i've changed and i don't know if i'm the kind of person she'd like to hang out with anymore. i want to email her sometime, but i don't know what i could write that she'd be interested in, and 'hey, how are you' isn't really anyhing to respond to. i guess i'm thinking about this more becuase spring break is coming up, and its during a weeks she'll be in school so i probably won't see her, and i'm hoping desperately not to be in alma again this summer.
there's other stuff too, but i don't feel like typing anymore, and most of it deals with people i still know and would be better left unsaid. it just seems like everyone but stephanie is drifting away. i find no pain it, and little sorrow. but there is regret. as i said in my last email, its just a fact of life that i'm rolling with. i guess it all comes down to missing having a real group of friends. freshman year we were a damn family. a group of people that all knew and liked each other. all i've got now is david and stephanie and that's more arranged as a line with me in the middle than a big criss-cross connecting group. sure, there's some tenunous stragglers attached to david and i, but it doesn't really compare. there's no group anymore. the current "group" is me and david and stephanie, and i don't even know if david likes her. no big bunch of friends that do everything together, just calls and plans and changes of mind a dissapoint. without that group of friends i find it hard to find a place i really belong, a refuge or whatever. a family. that's it. there's no family anymore. no group. bah.i've lost my point in this pill haze and i don't really care
a quick PS quote i copyed into here on how i used to be able to fall right alseep
its not really meditation, i'm not emptying my mind, filling it, let chaos fill it randomness, anything you can think of, the trick is just not to concetrate on anything specific, or you will latch onto that and your brain will become attentive, and you don't want that. concentrate on teh chaos. then i'd just start thinking of a random conversation and insert random responses into it... not truly random, i'd think of them then say them in my head... but i keep repeating this over and voer, and eventually things will pop up that you didn't think of, stuff from your subconcious, dream fragments. now, sometimes they startle you, and then you get alert and have to start from the beginning. but if you keep it up the truly random things will get mroe and mroe frequent, then you'll see images, then whole entire dreams scenes, and they get more and more frequent then.... you're dreaming and you wake up the next moring
concentrate on the chaos, everbody. its the road to peace