the unforgettable you
Spoke too soon? Damn the coincidences that occur in my life.
I remember the day you told me you liked me. At Jake's house. I told you it was obvious. I'm sorry for that. When you drove me home that night you kissed me on the cheek. I heard the next time I saw them that you had returned with a huge smile pasted across your face. I'll never forget that.
I remember the first time we kissed. At Dogwood. "Cloud gazing" because the stars were hiding that night. We had just come back from watching a movie at Jake's. As we sat there on the incline by the tennis courts you debated for what seemed forever when would be the right time. You must have turned to gaze into my eyes at least 5 times before I said something.
I remember the time we laid on the random concrete slab in the middle of the woods. It was after our last drumline trip of your senior year. Some huge thing kept moving in the water. I joked that it was a sea monster. But we stayed for a while kissing and holding each other, mosquitos and the cool temperature biting us relentlessly.
I remember the time you closed your eyes while I took you to a surprise date. We walked to the park behind old walmart and had a picnic of chicken parmesan and spaghetti.
I remember the dances and double dates with Jake. I remember during winterfest, Jake drove his dad's car with the huge sunroof and you held me tight as we listened to "My Moon My Man" by Feist. How you got claustrophobic when we danced at your senior prom. How we actually enjoyed my senior prom. Well.. most of it. The whole dinner thing with Elizabeth, Dave Hash, and David Collins was a tad awkward. How handsome you looked. How handsome you always look.
I remember our first Valentine's Day. How you made me a German card, bought me a necklace and earrings, made me cookies with Caroline, arranged a bouquet from flowers cut from her yard. All I gave you was a brownie and a heart I made out of melted starbursts. For that I am sorry as well.
I remember the time we walked around the pond at Cameron Brown and talked about our future Children. You kept teasing me saying we would have 50 when I insisted not more than 2 or 3. You liked the name Sid for our boy and I liked the name Luna for our girl.
I remember when you used to have nightmares of loosing me to Jake.
I remember drumline trips. How you used to hold me in your arms as I slept. How I sometimes pretended I was asleep so I could stay in your arms and feel you caress or kiss my cheek unnoticed. How you comforted me that one night after Olive Garden. Someone asked David if he wanted some chicken and I uncontrollably laughed. Everyone else laughed with me but you, you looked me dead in the eye and knew something wasn't right. Once we returned to the hotel, everyone sat and chatted in Caroline, Laura, and my room. You and I stayed in the stairwell as I burst out crying. You had no idea what to do or what was going on but just being there with your arm around me made all the difference in the world. How one time you stayed with me in my hotel room with an ice packet on my head trying to massage my shoulders as I dealt with an excruciating migraine. You rubbed my back as I vomited in the toilet that day and even kissed me afterward. I'll never forget that. How I wanted ice cream later that night and you ran out to buy me some from the marble slab creamery down the street of our hotel. It was nearly the time everyone had to be back in their rooms and it would have definitely been forbidden to venture from the hotel that late. But you did it and I ran after you.
I remember the first time I got drunk. Drank about 6 shots of Scotch Whiskey within 5 to 10 minutes. How you took care of me. Carried me to Alex's room and watched over me. Helped me vomit in a trash can. How everyone made fun of me because I called you sexy. I meant every word though.
I remember how I came to you with all of my problems. And even though I do have people to talk to now, many people in fact, I still somehow feel alone.
I remember when Laura admitted her fancy for you... How you missed taking me lunch the next day because you had to think about things. How it completely destroyed me that you thought "what if". How she was my favorite person. How... How it reminded me that I'm not invincible. How it forced to me realize that I could loose you. How for the first time I tore down the walls surrounding my innermost heart so that I could give it to you on a silver plate. How my love for you increased ten fold after we "resolved" everything.
I remember when we watched the Little Ones at the Hightone. How Sam's car got towed and you drove her all the way to the impound to go retrieve it. How whilst you were gone, everyone forgot about me. I watched the Walkmen by myself, realizing everyone had left and no person had said goodbye. The music had so much soul behind it, I found myself crying. By the time you came back you defended me. You were furious with everyone. Even yourself.
I remember the time I had music camp at the University of Memphis for two weeks. It felt like forever since I had been with you. When I finally got to see you one night. You bought me the tea I had been eyeing at Target. I had previously told you it was my favorite. Passion tea it is called. With it, you gave me a plastic bag that you had sprayed the inside with your cologne.
I remember how I came over to your house and made you, Jake, and Andy pancakes. Chocolate chip, apple cinnamon, blueberry, and banana ones. Jake said that was the first good memory he had made in that house.
I remember your birthday. I sprayed my perfume in an old plastic skittles container and decorated it with stickers for you. I created a tin and put a tiny picture of myself in it along with all of the hearts I had found up to that moment. I was sure that I saw hearts because of you. Turns out to be false.
I remember the warmth of your body against mine. It almost felt as if are bodies had been sewn together. As if you protected me from everything else in the world. As if we were the only two people existing as we kissed. How you were/are the only guy I've kissed and felt something. How cold I feel now.
I remember being at your house when Gene and your mom were super drunk. They started singing karaoke to various songs. But the one I remember most- "Push It."
I remember the time you were jealous of one of my guy friends. Which one I do not remember. Sean Sullivan maybe? And I came to your house after school one day and covered your mom's garage door with post it notes that said "I love you" and "I wouldn't want anyone else." I'm so glad you took them off before your mom saw those. She didn't know me too well at that point and she probably would have thought I was some psycho, obsessed girlfriend.
I remember how you said when your grandfather was in the hospital he would squeeze his grandma's hand 3 times to tell her that he loved her. I remember when you would do that to me. How it meant something.
I remember when you used to gently kiss the mole on the side of my face. How you would kiss my eyelids. How you loved to kiss my nose.
I remember how you hated when I saw you cry. But anytime you did, I never thought less of you. I just held you and comforted you in my arms. I will never be able to do that again.
I remember Bonnaroo. Everything was still good.
I still have fresh text messages telling me that you love me and miss me. You can understand how you left me tremendously confused. How two days before you held and kissed me as if we were inseparable. I've cried everyday since. With all the pride and confidence I used to have, it's surprising to me the feelings I feel. I would still hug and kiss you if I could. I would give anything to be your arms just one last time. Where's my dignity? I work myself up to talking to you or texting you, but it tears me down again and again. How can I be your friend yet still work on gluing the pieces of my shattered heart back together? You know, if I knew you would do this because of college, I would have stayed in Memphis for you. I would have given up everything for you. Even so, at the same time, if this is because I'm leaving- you're a coward.
It will be good for me to leave though. All the places that once held innocent memories have now been tainted with the burning memories of you. I no longer think of elementary school days when at Dogwood. Or memories of my siblings or past birthdays at my house. Or memories of "the tree huggers club" with Koya, Ben, and John when I'm at the park next to the library. I see you everywhere: old Germantown, new Germantown, Midtown, Collierville, Cordova, Downtown, my favorite nature trails, my favorite woods. I hear you in my music. Local Natives, Band of Horses, Liam Finn, Radiohead, Flaming Lips, Fleet Foxes, Iron and Wine, Flight of Conchords, David Bowie, Coldplay, the Shins, Simon and Garfunkle. Everyday at work, I hear love songs and break up songs. Knoxville will be good for me...
You will always be my love....even if I'm not yours...........
I remember the day you told me you liked me. At Jake's house. I told you it was obvious. I'm sorry for that. When you drove me home that night you kissed me on the cheek. I heard the next time I saw them that you had returned with a huge smile pasted across your face. I'll never forget that.
I remember the first time we kissed. At Dogwood. "Cloud gazing" because the stars were hiding that night. We had just come back from watching a movie at Jake's. As we sat there on the incline by the tennis courts you debated for what seemed forever when would be the right time. You must have turned to gaze into my eyes at least 5 times before I said something.
I remember the time we laid on the random concrete slab in the middle of the woods. It was after our last drumline trip of your senior year. Some huge thing kept moving in the water. I joked that it was a sea monster. But we stayed for a while kissing and holding each other, mosquitos and the cool temperature biting us relentlessly.
I remember the time you closed your eyes while I took you to a surprise date. We walked to the park behind old walmart and had a picnic of chicken parmesan and spaghetti.
I remember the dances and double dates with Jake. I remember during winterfest, Jake drove his dad's car with the huge sunroof and you held me tight as we listened to "My Moon My Man" by Feist. How you got claustrophobic when we danced at your senior prom. How we actually enjoyed my senior prom. Well.. most of it. The whole dinner thing with Elizabeth, Dave Hash, and David Collins was a tad awkward. How handsome you looked. How handsome you always look.
I remember our first Valentine's Day. How you made me a German card, bought me a necklace and earrings, made me cookies with Caroline, arranged a bouquet from flowers cut from her yard. All I gave you was a brownie and a heart I made out of melted starbursts. For that I am sorry as well.
I remember the time we walked around the pond at Cameron Brown and talked about our future Children. You kept teasing me saying we would have 50 when I insisted not more than 2 or 3. You liked the name Sid for our boy and I liked the name Luna for our girl.
I remember when you used to have nightmares of loosing me to Jake.
I remember drumline trips. How you used to hold me in your arms as I slept. How I sometimes pretended I was asleep so I could stay in your arms and feel you caress or kiss my cheek unnoticed. How you comforted me that one night after Olive Garden. Someone asked David if he wanted some chicken and I uncontrollably laughed. Everyone else laughed with me but you, you looked me dead in the eye and knew something wasn't right. Once we returned to the hotel, everyone sat and chatted in Caroline, Laura, and my room. You and I stayed in the stairwell as I burst out crying. You had no idea what to do or what was going on but just being there with your arm around me made all the difference in the world. How one time you stayed with me in my hotel room with an ice packet on my head trying to massage my shoulders as I dealt with an excruciating migraine. You rubbed my back as I vomited in the toilet that day and even kissed me afterward. I'll never forget that. How I wanted ice cream later that night and you ran out to buy me some from the marble slab creamery down the street of our hotel. It was nearly the time everyone had to be back in their rooms and it would have definitely been forbidden to venture from the hotel that late. But you did it and I ran after you.
I remember the first time I got drunk. Drank about 6 shots of Scotch Whiskey within 5 to 10 minutes. How you took care of me. Carried me to Alex's room and watched over me. Helped me vomit in a trash can. How everyone made fun of me because I called you sexy. I meant every word though.
I remember how I came to you with all of my problems. And even though I do have people to talk to now, many people in fact, I still somehow feel alone.
I remember when Laura admitted her fancy for you... How you missed taking me lunch the next day because you had to think about things. How it completely destroyed me that you thought "what if". How she was my favorite person. How... How it reminded me that I'm not invincible. How it forced to me realize that I could loose you. How for the first time I tore down the walls surrounding my innermost heart so that I could give it to you on a silver plate. How my love for you increased ten fold after we "resolved" everything.
I remember when we watched the Little Ones at the Hightone. How Sam's car got towed and you drove her all the way to the impound to go retrieve it. How whilst you were gone, everyone forgot about me. I watched the Walkmen by myself, realizing everyone had left and no person had said goodbye. The music had so much soul behind it, I found myself crying. By the time you came back you defended me. You were furious with everyone. Even yourself.
I remember the time I had music camp at the University of Memphis for two weeks. It felt like forever since I had been with you. When I finally got to see you one night. You bought me the tea I had been eyeing at Target. I had previously told you it was my favorite. Passion tea it is called. With it, you gave me a plastic bag that you had sprayed the inside with your cologne.
I remember how I came over to your house and made you, Jake, and Andy pancakes. Chocolate chip, apple cinnamon, blueberry, and banana ones. Jake said that was the first good memory he had made in that house.
I remember your birthday. I sprayed my perfume in an old plastic skittles container and decorated it with stickers for you. I created a tin and put a tiny picture of myself in it along with all of the hearts I had found up to that moment. I was sure that I saw hearts because of you. Turns out to be false.
I remember the warmth of your body against mine. It almost felt as if are bodies had been sewn together. As if you protected me from everything else in the world. As if we were the only two people existing as we kissed. How you were/are the only guy I've kissed and felt something. How cold I feel now.
I remember being at your house when Gene and your mom were super drunk. They started singing karaoke to various songs. But the one I remember most- "Push It."
I remember the time you were jealous of one of my guy friends. Which one I do not remember. Sean Sullivan maybe? And I came to your house after school one day and covered your mom's garage door with post it notes that said "I love you" and "I wouldn't want anyone else." I'm so glad you took them off before your mom saw those. She didn't know me too well at that point and she probably would have thought I was some psycho, obsessed girlfriend.
I remember how you said when your grandfather was in the hospital he would squeeze his grandma's hand 3 times to tell her that he loved her. I remember when you would do that to me. How it meant something.
I remember when you used to gently kiss the mole on the side of my face. How you would kiss my eyelids. How you loved to kiss my nose.
I remember how you hated when I saw you cry. But anytime you did, I never thought less of you. I just held you and comforted you in my arms. I will never be able to do that again.
I remember Bonnaroo. Everything was still good.
I still have fresh text messages telling me that you love me and miss me. You can understand how you left me tremendously confused. How two days before you held and kissed me as if we were inseparable. I've cried everyday since. With all the pride and confidence I used to have, it's surprising to me the feelings I feel. I would still hug and kiss you if I could. I would give anything to be your arms just one last time. Where's my dignity? I work myself up to talking to you or texting you, but it tears me down again and again. How can I be your friend yet still work on gluing the pieces of my shattered heart back together? You know, if I knew you would do this because of college, I would have stayed in Memphis for you. I would have given up everything for you. Even so, at the same time, if this is because I'm leaving- you're a coward.
It will be good for me to leave though. All the places that once held innocent memories have now been tainted with the burning memories of you. I no longer think of elementary school days when at Dogwood. Or memories of my siblings or past birthdays at my house. Or memories of "the tree huggers club" with Koya, Ben, and John when I'm at the park next to the library. I see you everywhere: old Germantown, new Germantown, Midtown, Collierville, Cordova, Downtown, my favorite nature trails, my favorite woods. I hear you in my music. Local Natives, Band of Horses, Liam Finn, Radiohead, Flaming Lips, Fleet Foxes, Iron and Wine, Flight of Conchords, David Bowie, Coldplay, the Shins, Simon and Garfunkle. Everyday at work, I hear love songs and break up songs. Knoxville will be good for me...
You will always be my love....even if I'm not yours...........