another typical identity post. how embarrasing, don't i have anything else to think about?
india is slowly turning into a nightmare. of course i've had some good, perhaps surreal, experiences during my stay. i'm not complaining. i've sipped cold coffee with a deposed rajah, perused an impoverished nawab's priceless art collection, and had access to a mobster's private manuscript hoard. i've seen a goat give birth, picked cotton, and napped in a haystack. but these 'passage to india moments' [as ira has so aptly named them] seem to be coming less and less often these days. mostly i just lay about languishing in my bedroom eating kit kats and wishing i had the internet or a cat.
meanwhile, i've fallen into an identity crisis of unimaginable sorts. it's almost maudlin at this point. before i came here i had assumed, as a matter of course, that i would be subject to a few reality checks about my indian and american-ness. in fact i was sort of looking forward to them, i expected them to make me more "real" and "grounded." and this was generally the case at first. all of october i was riding high on a series of realizations. i was figuring out who i was and what i wanted. but then, something happened, something subtle. i can't explain it, but a dam within me burst and all the issues, insecurities, and doubts that i've ever had have come rushing forth--some from as far back as my childhood. and i've learned that i haven't become stronger or understood myself at all these years, i've just pushed everything aside and repressed them.
being back in the closet has certainly contributed its fair share to this mess. i've become super guarded and suspicious of everyone. i find myself suffering from mild panic attacks before, during, and after every minor social situation. it's pretty bad, sometimes i even find it difficult to leave my room. i worry that none of the relationships i have with people here are genuine. there's always a thought in the back of my head--oh, if they really 'knew' about me, they probably wouldn't be so friendly. yeah, i know this is a totally unfair assumption on my part and that i'm just pre-judging everyone without giving them a chance to prove themselves otherwise. but...
and then there is the issue of religion. no, not some faith-god crisis but a cultural one. i've been reading this radical subaltern critique of hinduism, "why i am not a hindu," by kancha iliah. it's a dalit [untouchable] polemic work against upper-caste [and diaspora] hinduism. factwise, the text is rather irresponsible and, frankly speaking, worthless. the nation of islam writings on whiteness come to mind. but his points on the cultural and religious hegemony of the upper-castes stands and is incredibly relevant. it's a very angry work. i found it challenging to read because it made me realize just how privileged i am in the caste hierarchy. since i've been in india i've noticed just how influential and dominant caste has remained in everyday indian life, EVEN in the major metropolitan centers and the diaspora. previously, i had assumed, i don't know how, that it was only a rural problem. but iliah's work has aptly highlighted just how entwined caste is in the political, cultural and educational institutions of modern india, especially andhra pradesh. so yeah, basically its like when a white person discovers they are 'white.' i feel so foolish, guilty, and helpless. and of course the situation is compounded by the fact that i am a cultural and religious minority in the US. spivak actually remarks on this odd position in her essay, "moving devi,"
i have moved from a hindu majority in the center of hinduism to a hindu minority in a new imperialist metropolis where hinduism was, until the day before yesterday, in the museum.
i could write more on this but what's the point? i think i am destined to have continual identity breakdowns. i just have to get used to it, they are my particular neurosis, my intellectual epilepsy. anyway, i am going to go read more novel excerpts from the nanowrimo contest. it is my new favorite thing to do. some of them are actually decent, and a lot of them are just fun. oh...and i suppose i'll work on phd applications some more.
unrelatedly, or maybe not, check this interesting article out: the secret world of e.m. forster
meanwhile, i've fallen into an identity crisis of unimaginable sorts. it's almost maudlin at this point. before i came here i had assumed, as a matter of course, that i would be subject to a few reality checks about my indian and american-ness. in fact i was sort of looking forward to them, i expected them to make me more "real" and "grounded." and this was generally the case at first. all of october i was riding high on a series of realizations. i was figuring out who i was and what i wanted. but then, something happened, something subtle. i can't explain it, but a dam within me burst and all the issues, insecurities, and doubts that i've ever had have come rushing forth--some from as far back as my childhood. and i've learned that i haven't become stronger or understood myself at all these years, i've just pushed everything aside and repressed them.
being back in the closet has certainly contributed its fair share to this mess. i've become super guarded and suspicious of everyone. i find myself suffering from mild panic attacks before, during, and after every minor social situation. it's pretty bad, sometimes i even find it difficult to leave my room. i worry that none of the relationships i have with people here are genuine. there's always a thought in the back of my head--oh, if they really 'knew' about me, they probably wouldn't be so friendly. yeah, i know this is a totally unfair assumption on my part and that i'm just pre-judging everyone without giving them a chance to prove themselves otherwise. but...
and then there is the issue of religion. no, not some faith-god crisis but a cultural one. i've been reading this radical subaltern critique of hinduism, "why i am not a hindu," by kancha iliah. it's a dalit [untouchable] polemic work against upper-caste [and diaspora] hinduism. factwise, the text is rather irresponsible and, frankly speaking, worthless. the nation of islam writings on whiteness come to mind. but his points on the cultural and religious hegemony of the upper-castes stands and is incredibly relevant. it's a very angry work. i found it challenging to read because it made me realize just how privileged i am in the caste hierarchy. since i've been in india i've noticed just how influential and dominant caste has remained in everyday indian life, EVEN in the major metropolitan centers and the diaspora. previously, i had assumed, i don't know how, that it was only a rural problem. but iliah's work has aptly highlighted just how entwined caste is in the political, cultural and educational institutions of modern india, especially andhra pradesh. so yeah, basically its like when a white person discovers they are 'white.' i feel so foolish, guilty, and helpless. and of course the situation is compounded by the fact that i am a cultural and religious minority in the US. spivak actually remarks on this odd position in her essay, "moving devi,"
i have moved from a hindu majority in the center of hinduism to a hindu minority in a new imperialist metropolis where hinduism was, until the day before yesterday, in the museum.
i could write more on this but what's the point? i think i am destined to have continual identity breakdowns. i just have to get used to it, they are my particular neurosis, my intellectual epilepsy. anyway, i am going to go read more novel excerpts from the nanowrimo contest. it is my new favorite thing to do. some of them are actually decent, and a lot of them are just fun. oh...and i suppose i'll work on phd applications some more.
unrelatedly, or maybe not, check this interesting article out: the secret world of e.m. forster