Ramblings
Okay, so I've been feeling up and down over the past 3 months. Those who know me know why this is. I guess this is a rant at myself because I still feel this way and I shouldn't. I know that it takes time to heal and stuff and yeah sure it wouldn't be that suprising if I felt a little bit down every now and again but not this extreme. I'm losing a friend because of this too because I am avoiding that person like the plague. I'm doing so because each time I hear the person's name or see their picture I automatically feel like shit, so, with logical thinking I'll feel about 10 times worse if I see that person in person. I know that eventually I'll have to see that person soon but I'm putting it off as long as possible.
It's not just with this sort of stuff, I do this with everything. It's why I don't have a job, or haven't had any guitar lessons or driving lessons. It's why I don't often go out. I dunno, I guess because I'm scared? I don't know what of but whatever.
The reason I don't go out that often is because I feel more vulnerable out in the open and I'm in my comfort zone in my room (even if it is a depressing place).
I am generally pissed off at myself because I've never been the strong one. I've always needed someone to hold my hand through things and although sometimes I'll put on a mask and say (or at least come across this way) that I don't need anyone. I have tried to improve on this and get out more and stuff but as soon as one little thing goes wrong or if I have the smallest excuse then I won't do it. I don't know why I do that, it's just what I do. I'm not looking for sympathy, but I figure if I write this one here then I'll be able to look back on it and think "haha, what a c**t".
I am not making any plans for tomorrow because every time I do I end up not doing them but I hope to have a productive day where I can actually make something of myself for once.
If I were to properly look in the mirror and look at my life right now I'd describe it as a mess, and that I am a loser. I am not saying this so people can say "aww but you are amazing and lovely etc", just to clarify. I sit in my room all day on the computer doing fuck all. Hertfordshire isn't exactly amazing but there is still more to do than sit around all day. I could at least sit around all day with friends outside but I don't. I'm pretty confused right now and just wish I could stop feeling this lonely, pathetic, lame way. I'm sure I'll add to this but that's all I've got for now.
It's not just with this sort of stuff, I do this with everything. It's why I don't have a job, or haven't had any guitar lessons or driving lessons. It's why I don't often go out. I dunno, I guess because I'm scared? I don't know what of but whatever.
The reason I don't go out that often is because I feel more vulnerable out in the open and I'm in my comfort zone in my room (even if it is a depressing place).
I am generally pissed off at myself because I've never been the strong one. I've always needed someone to hold my hand through things and although sometimes I'll put on a mask and say (or at least come across this way) that I don't need anyone. I have tried to improve on this and get out more and stuff but as soon as one little thing goes wrong or if I have the smallest excuse then I won't do it. I don't know why I do that, it's just what I do. I'm not looking for sympathy, but I figure if I write this one here then I'll be able to look back on it and think "haha, what a c**t".
I am not making any plans for tomorrow because every time I do I end up not doing them but I hope to have a productive day where I can actually make something of myself for once.
If I were to properly look in the mirror and look at my life right now I'd describe it as a mess, and that I am a loser. I am not saying this so people can say "aww but you are amazing and lovely etc", just to clarify. I sit in my room all day on the computer doing fuck all. Hertfordshire isn't exactly amazing but there is still more to do than sit around all day. I could at least sit around all day with friends outside but I don't. I'm pretty confused right now and just wish I could stop feeling this lonely, pathetic, lame way. I'm sure I'll add to this but that's all I've got for now.