(no subject)
I've felt so insane lately ... I've been experiencing the most confusing blend of emotions. The gorgeous weather has made me giddy and manic, sleep deprivation is making me crazy, and so many things are making me sad and overwhelmed, and it all combines into this feeling I can't even describe because it doesn't make sense at all. I know things are getting weird with me when it becomes difficult for me to distinguish between happiness and depression. I don't know how that problem is even possible, but I've experienced it many times before.
Yesterday I took the Red Line to work, and a group of the most beautiful, well-dressed elderly people got on the train at MGH. I have no idea what they were doing, but they looked fabulous; the ladies were all silk scarves and expensive-looking hats, and the men had on fancy blazers and perfectly shined loafers, and they all looked so happy, healthy and wise. And I don't know why, but something about it brought tears to my eyes. It was so lovely, and I caught several other passengers smiling as they observed the scene -- a rare sighting in its own right on the train during Boston's hurried morning rush hour. Something about watching these people, with their collective years of experience in the world, and their happiness even in the final years of their lives, made my heart both ache and rejoice in life's sacredness at the same time.
Meanwhile, I still feel like I am reaching only a fraction of my potential. If I could get all these crazy feelings under control, maybe I could focus better and be more balanced all around and not feel like I was wasting so much of my life. But such deeply ingrained patterns are hard to break, and I've never known anything else.
I am craving such drastic change.
Yesterday I took the Red Line to work, and a group of the most beautiful, well-dressed elderly people got on the train at MGH. I have no idea what they were doing, but they looked fabulous; the ladies were all silk scarves and expensive-looking hats, and the men had on fancy blazers and perfectly shined loafers, and they all looked so happy, healthy and wise. And I don't know why, but something about it brought tears to my eyes. It was so lovely, and I caught several other passengers smiling as they observed the scene -- a rare sighting in its own right on the train during Boston's hurried morning rush hour. Something about watching these people, with their collective years of experience in the world, and their happiness even in the final years of their lives, made my heart both ache and rejoice in life's sacredness at the same time.
Meanwhile, I still feel like I am reaching only a fraction of my potential. If I could get all these crazy feelings under control, maybe I could focus better and be more balanced all around and not feel like I was wasting so much of my life. But such deeply ingrained patterns are hard to break, and I've never known anything else.
I am craving such drastic change.