Simply why ...
*sigh* It has been a very long time since I have felt this level of rage, and anger welling deep within me. I want to scream. I want to lash out. I want to inflict physical pain on all those around me. I especially want to hurt those who claim to "love" me. I feel as I am on the brink of an explosion of some sort. I would love nothing more than to put a mirror up to everyone around me and show them their true reflections. They are all such hypocrites. I am the biggest hypocrite of all. Go figure. For me to even admit this is a huge accomplishment at least in the way of self realization. I often have conversations with my mother where I tell her that she needs to stop trying to fix things on her own. I tell that she needs to let God take control of the circumstances and situations that are affecting us. Yet, I, in turn am doing the same thing I just scolded her about. I think that by telling my mother how not to be is good, but I fail to realize that I am trying to fix her with my own strength. HAHAHAHAHA!!! I can't believe it!!! I am so stupid!
What I hate the most right now is being lied to. I have no idea who my sister thinks she is fooling. First, she is not fooling God. Secondly, I am definitely seeing through her facade. "Yes, I want to do something to fix my mistakes. I don't want to be this way. I want to be better. I know I need God." Then, I find out she's sneaking Jack into the house at night. She's doing drugs. She's a foul mouthed brat. She doesn't work, doesn't study, and doesn't take care of her baby properly. Ugh!!!! She lays about, screams at her daughter whenever she cries, demands we provide for her child, and that we not get upset when she does things that we know may turn out badly in the end. I have been nice. I have not said a word to her. I have not screamed or told her that she needs to get right. I have been so nice it's scary even. Most people who know me ... will tell you that I do not stand for the crap. Speak of the devil, she's screaming at Yarielis as we speak. I don't care what she does. I would like for her to take up a stance and not play games. She acts holy by day and evil by night. What the heck?? If you are going to embrace the world and all of it's pleasures then do so. Do not hide your true face!!! That way I know what I can expect. That way I know what to pray for. I promise you that I never went out seeking the truth. God placed the truth at my fingertips and allowed me to see you for who you really are. The sight of you makes me sick. I fight myself not to walk up to you and knock your lights out. You ungrateful child! Yes, a child. Because a real woman doesn't play these games. I know that I have not always been perfect nor do I claim that I ever will be. However, I never went around pretending. I made my decisions known and I faced the consequences of my actions head on. You on the other hand, get mad at me for pointing out the truth or requesting an explanation. You are so self righteous ... whatever. You, my dear, do not deserve my help anymore. I was nice. I offered you everything I had. You rejected me and so now I reject you. I am done with you. May God have mercy on you because you will no longer get any from me. You have wounded me so deeply, I fear that I shall never recover. I cry over you, and perhaps my decision is harsh but there is nothing else I can do. I know that maybe God is not too fond of my decision either. However, He knows my heart and He knows that there is only so much I can endure. I hope you see the error of your ways.
My mother all she does is scream and rant at my siblings and at me. I am so weary inside. I am surprised I have not experienced spontaneous combustion. My mother no matter how much you plead with her to just pray ... she opens her mouth and speaks her mind anyway. I am not necessarily against speaking your mind. I am against badgering people and making them feel like crap before you hear their side of the issue. I am so tired of hearing the screaming, ranting, the fighting, the war playing out in my home. I want to run away and be somewhere in silence. I love how my own family treats me like I am pathetic, worthless, and stupid. Yet, it's my name they call all day and night when something goes wrong. It is me that my family seeks out to solve their problems, and provide them with a financial cushion. I say no more. I am done. I am finished. I am so exhausted!!!
Then, the men in my life who claim to love me ... treat me like their property, and not like a human being. I am a person. I am not something you can control. I am not something you play with. They claim that they really care about me. However, they never try to understand the pain that I feel right now. When I try to talk to them ... they get bored and run away. They only care for me when they need a fix. Then, I am their babydoll. I have slowly begun losing trust in all people. I see now that the only person I can trust is God. God never fails me. God does not lie. God does not manipulate me. God does not use me and throw me away. God loves me for real. His love is everything to me.
I am so screwed up inside. I am tired inside. This can't continue this way.
What I hate the most right now is being lied to. I have no idea who my sister thinks she is fooling. First, she is not fooling God. Secondly, I am definitely seeing through her facade. "Yes, I want to do something to fix my mistakes. I don't want to be this way. I want to be better. I know I need God." Then, I find out she's sneaking Jack into the house at night. She's doing drugs. She's a foul mouthed brat. She doesn't work, doesn't study, and doesn't take care of her baby properly. Ugh!!!! She lays about, screams at her daughter whenever she cries, demands we provide for her child, and that we not get upset when she does things that we know may turn out badly in the end. I have been nice. I have not said a word to her. I have not screamed or told her that she needs to get right. I have been so nice it's scary even. Most people who know me ... will tell you that I do not stand for the crap. Speak of the devil, she's screaming at Yarielis as we speak. I don't care what she does. I would like for her to take up a stance and not play games. She acts holy by day and evil by night. What the heck?? If you are going to embrace the world and all of it's pleasures then do so. Do not hide your true face!!! That way I know what I can expect. That way I know what to pray for. I promise you that I never went out seeking the truth. God placed the truth at my fingertips and allowed me to see you for who you really are. The sight of you makes me sick. I fight myself not to walk up to you and knock your lights out. You ungrateful child! Yes, a child. Because a real woman doesn't play these games. I know that I have not always been perfect nor do I claim that I ever will be. However, I never went around pretending. I made my decisions known and I faced the consequences of my actions head on. You on the other hand, get mad at me for pointing out the truth or requesting an explanation. You are so self righteous ... whatever. You, my dear, do not deserve my help anymore. I was nice. I offered you everything I had. You rejected me and so now I reject you. I am done with you. May God have mercy on you because you will no longer get any from me. You have wounded me so deeply, I fear that I shall never recover. I cry over you, and perhaps my decision is harsh but there is nothing else I can do. I know that maybe God is not too fond of my decision either. However, He knows my heart and He knows that there is only so much I can endure. I hope you see the error of your ways.
My mother all she does is scream and rant at my siblings and at me. I am so weary inside. I am surprised I have not experienced spontaneous combustion. My mother no matter how much you plead with her to just pray ... she opens her mouth and speaks her mind anyway. I am not necessarily against speaking your mind. I am against badgering people and making them feel like crap before you hear their side of the issue. I am so tired of hearing the screaming, ranting, the fighting, the war playing out in my home. I want to run away and be somewhere in silence. I love how my own family treats me like I am pathetic, worthless, and stupid. Yet, it's my name they call all day and night when something goes wrong. It is me that my family seeks out to solve their problems, and provide them with a financial cushion. I say no more. I am done. I am finished. I am so exhausted!!!
Then, the men in my life who claim to love me ... treat me like their property, and not like a human being. I am a person. I am not something you can control. I am not something you play with. They claim that they really care about me. However, they never try to understand the pain that I feel right now. When I try to talk to them ... they get bored and run away. They only care for me when they need a fix. Then, I am their babydoll. I have slowly begun losing trust in all people. I see now that the only person I can trust is God. God never fails me. God does not lie. God does not manipulate me. God does not use me and throw me away. God loves me for real. His love is everything to me.
I am so screwed up inside. I am tired inside. This can't continue this way.