"I will stab you and poop in the wound!" and other Kobold Warcries.
PC3: "Am I supposed to have 16 teeth?"
PC2: "I have a big enough axe to make this work!"
PC3: "When I crit he leaves this plane of existence."
DM: "He exploded"
PC3: "That too!"
PC2: "What kind of damage is it?"
DM: "Just plain damage damage."
Me: "You were hit by a comet. They're blunt."
On relative importance of NPCs:
DM: "Look, you see how his name is like 8 words long? You don't hit him on a 2"
Me: "I have an idea!"
DM: "Aren't you unconscious?"
Me: "I am, but I have an idea!"
DM: "...okay, it's your turn."
Me: "I catch fire and die."
DM: "Wait, what?"
Me: "The 'naginata of wisdom' would normally mean not attaching the spear to the end of the staff."
PC3: "This is like glueing 6 wands together and rigging them to rotate"
DM: "Make 'em wands of wonder, and you'll be all "fireball, fireball, lightning bolt, fireball, owl..."
PC1: "It's a birthday cake! For the god of chaos!"
DM: "Its a filigree golem of Orcus!"
PC1: "You hollowed him out!"
PC2: "Its an improvements"
Me: "Its decorative!"
PC2: "Robo-Orcus."
Me: "Mecha-Orcus!"
DM: "The sphere is inserted from behind."
PC1: "I'm flashing back to the Goatse cake!"
PC3: "I'm ... uh.... this is not the end scene I was expecting! I mean, they insert the vibrating orb into the man-goats rear, and...."
DM: "You guys suck. The golem comes to life and attacks."
PC3, writing down treasure: "Terror longsword..."
PC1: "Spell it with a P!"
PC3: "You can't spell... wait... NO."
PC1: "But a carnivorous sword with wings would be awesome."
On the Draft Bear pulling a cart
Me: "It has huge claws!"
PC2: "They're for eating Dire Berries."
PC1: "I want Direberry wine!"
PC3: "Hair Of The Dog would be nasty."
On dire fruit:
PC3: "It's a tomato that can punch out a cat!"
On the unfortunate results of critical hit tables on pregnancy:
PC5: "You know you're giving birth to a future adventurer when you're all 'the baby is kicking! Natural 20! KABOOM!'"
Me: "BEARS DO NOT HAVE A CLOACA!"
On Udo Kier and his making the movie "Spermula":
PC3: "For european actors, starring in porn is like military service."
PC1: "Regimented and demanding?"
On clicking on the wrong link while surfing a minis website, and getting "gnoll":
PC5: "That succubus is kinda hairy for me."
On lousy descriptions in preprinted flavour text:
Me: "An elf wearing a short green and brown tunic and holding a bow steps out, and..."
PC3: "I can't help but notice he's not wearing pants."
Me, checking description again: ".... he's not wearing pants!"
PC1: "I'm sorry, have we interrupted something?"
Me: "He's, uh, 'holding a bow'"
Me: "You stare at the elf until he grows pants."
PC5: [slurping noise..... POP]
PC5: "We oppose the iron ring!"
PC3: "You oppose safe bridges everywhere?"
PC5: "Huh?"
Me: "The villains are the iron circle mercenaries, from the iron keep. An iron ring is the thing that I'm wearing on my finger."
PC5: "I spent my childhood on drugs and being sent into battle for the glory of Bahamut."
PC3: "Bahamut is basically the trope definer for Crystal Dragon Jesus"
PC5: "Yeah. The main difference between Jesus, Aslan, and Bahamut is that Bahamut didn't die..... wait, that's it! That's the answer! We must SACRIFICE Bahamut for our sins!"
PC3: "This is why we say your character is from a CULT."
PC1: "I spent my childhood on another plane in a wonderful palace waiting hand and foot on a Djinn who loved me very much. *I* am normal."
PC3: "I'm the anti-Rapunzel"
Me: "You throw your hair into towers?"
PC3: "....Yes, and then the prince pulls me up."
PC5: "Do you guys have a problem with Bahamut? 'Cause he's AWESOME."
PC2: "Maybe you shouldn't talk."
Me: "You're wearing a frog as a tutu."
PC1: "I go berserk."
PC2: "I'm an elf. I was raised by wolves!"
Me: "Other than stabbing things, what are your skills?"
PC2: "I run down deer, in a pack!"
Me: "Please tell me you took the Nature skill"
PC2: "No"
PC3: "There's a reason he no longer runs with wolves"
PC5: "They fired him! For incompetence!"
PC5: "Go back to hell!"
Me: "It's a frog! Frogs don't come from hell!"
PC1: "That's just what they want you to think."