4 or 5 or something
I really am not very sure as to where I should begin here. Here in this space and in this time that is.
Its not even that so much about what has happened in the past weeks that is worth talking about right now, which is a lot by way, but I guess what is really worth talking about is all of these ideas and thoughts that have been flooding my brain, about how I am finding myself in a slow tornado.
I have had this internal battle and debate my whole life in trying to balance my hopeless idealism and just being hopeless. Its a feeling that has been more prevalent in certain times in my life than other times but a feeling that was always somehow there. And right now I'm fighting this one pretty hard for one reason or another. Another thing that I have felt constantly through out my life that has been particularly strong recently is this feeling of suffocation. This place is a bag over my head. And the longer I try to hold my breath to save the air the dizzier I become and I know I can't struggle to get it off because that would take up a lot of air, maybe too much. So I just have to wait breathing as little as possible. But this feeling is really legitimate like something that is concrete in a sense. I was talking with my dad while in Florida and he told me about how when he was my age he had all ready been all around the world, twice, because he left when he was 15 trying to breathe a little, to escape, to find something greater. My mom did something similar but less cool. She left home when she was 16 to breathe a little, to escape and to find true love, albeit with a 47 year old coke head. This is in my blood. I just hope one day it will be able to go away.
And I have to say that going on that mini vacation to Florida and especially the drive back up the coast only made me dizzier. I know where I want to go and I know what I need to do. Its just a matter of time now.
I noticed that I am holding back in some aspects of my life and in relationships right now and there is nothing I can do at this point to stop myself from doubting certain situations. I've become the lion. (Thats a Wizard of Oz reference, by the way.)
And I hate to get all serious, especially on the internet. This is so gay actually.
But at this point I really don't give a shit, I do it because I like writing for an audience (or at least what I would like to think of as an audience) and I don't care if that makes me an annoying asshole.
So I'll continue here. I guess I will say at this point I have figured out a little bit more for the world tour (which is going to be like pure oxygen to the lungs) I'll be using the house in Greece that my papou left to my dad as my home-base. And from that point I will go out unto the world. This decision was a good balance for this struggle between impractical idealism and excessive pessimism and cynicism because its still crazy but a lot safer.
And I guess I will also take this opportunity to say for as many tires that I have popped and thus spares I had to have put on in the past month you would think I would be able to do it by myself by now. But alas upon pulling onto 695 in Baltimore, after driving for close to two days from Florida, I got another flat and could not get the nuts off. I highly recommend AAA in these situations. I would also highly recommend not driving on your donut for too long, it gets scary. You become alert of every noise and are constantly thinking "it could pop at any second", ready like a soldier (soldier in more of the traditional sense that is, none of the modern army bullshit).
I have a lot stewing in this pot of mine. And its only a time before I will be able to make all of these ideas I have reality and I guess its this waiting that is getting the best of me. So restless, like a child. Like a child going to the bank with its parents waiting for the lollipop. Unless they had nice parents that gave them the lollipops in the beginning to keep them quiet. And those are the children that are just douche bags now.
I want to leave a naive american girl and come back a sophisticated Parisian woman of the world. Yes, you didn't even have to tell me I'm naive, someone already did, but I mean who isn't naive to something. And if you think you are in fact not naive to anything than not only are you naive but you are a liar and afraid of the truth. And there is nothing worse than being afraid of truth despite how easy it has become to not only be afraid of it but to deny it as well.
Sorry for being so scattered.
Here are some pictures because I know reading this was probably rough.
okay bye.
Its not even that so much about what has happened in the past weeks that is worth talking about right now, which is a lot by way, but I guess what is really worth talking about is all of these ideas and thoughts that have been flooding my brain, about how I am finding myself in a slow tornado.
I have had this internal battle and debate my whole life in trying to balance my hopeless idealism and just being hopeless. Its a feeling that has been more prevalent in certain times in my life than other times but a feeling that was always somehow there. And right now I'm fighting this one pretty hard for one reason or another. Another thing that I have felt constantly through out my life that has been particularly strong recently is this feeling of suffocation. This place is a bag over my head. And the longer I try to hold my breath to save the air the dizzier I become and I know I can't struggle to get it off because that would take up a lot of air, maybe too much. So I just have to wait breathing as little as possible. But this feeling is really legitimate like something that is concrete in a sense. I was talking with my dad while in Florida and he told me about how when he was my age he had all ready been all around the world, twice, because he left when he was 15 trying to breathe a little, to escape, to find something greater. My mom did something similar but less cool. She left home when she was 16 to breathe a little, to escape and to find true love, albeit with a 47 year old coke head. This is in my blood. I just hope one day it will be able to go away.
And I have to say that going on that mini vacation to Florida and especially the drive back up the coast only made me dizzier. I know where I want to go and I know what I need to do. Its just a matter of time now.
I noticed that I am holding back in some aspects of my life and in relationships right now and there is nothing I can do at this point to stop myself from doubting certain situations. I've become the lion. (Thats a Wizard of Oz reference, by the way.)
And I hate to get all serious, especially on the internet. This is so gay actually.
But at this point I really don't give a shit, I do it because I like writing for an audience (or at least what I would like to think of as an audience) and I don't care if that makes me an annoying asshole.
So I'll continue here. I guess I will say at this point I have figured out a little bit more for the world tour (which is going to be like pure oxygen to the lungs) I'll be using the house in Greece that my papou left to my dad as my home-base. And from that point I will go out unto the world. This decision was a good balance for this struggle between impractical idealism and excessive pessimism and cynicism because its still crazy but a lot safer.
And I guess I will also take this opportunity to say for as many tires that I have popped and thus spares I had to have put on in the past month you would think I would be able to do it by myself by now. But alas upon pulling onto 695 in Baltimore, after driving for close to two days from Florida, I got another flat and could not get the nuts off. I highly recommend AAA in these situations. I would also highly recommend not driving on your donut for too long, it gets scary. You become alert of every noise and are constantly thinking "it could pop at any second", ready like a soldier (soldier in more of the traditional sense that is, none of the modern army bullshit).
I have a lot stewing in this pot of mine. And its only a time before I will be able to make all of these ideas I have reality and I guess its this waiting that is getting the best of me. So restless, like a child. Like a child going to the bank with its parents waiting for the lollipop. Unless they had nice parents that gave them the lollipops in the beginning to keep them quiet. And those are the children that are just douche bags now.
I want to leave a naive american girl and come back a sophisticated Parisian woman of the world. Yes, you didn't even have to tell me I'm naive, someone already did, but I mean who isn't naive to something. And if you think you are in fact not naive to anything than not only are you naive but you are a liar and afraid of the truth. And there is nothing worse than being afraid of truth despite how easy it has become to not only be afraid of it but to deny it as well.
Sorry for being so scattered.
Here are some pictures because I know reading this was probably rough.
okay bye.