Focus, Focus, Focus.
Mostly I just want to get things off my chest, and this is the best place to do it. For me. For right now anyway.
Sad to say but I really don't have any friends. The life I have made for myself has made it impossible to maintain friendships. I don't think this is on purpose and I don't even believe it is unconscious. I think this is because that I have had to spend the majority of the last 15 years or so building a life and career that will sustain me through retirement. Because I messed around and didn't get a decent education in early adulthood, I've had to spend the majority of middle adulthood working on that. For the majority of the last 15 years or so I have been in school or taking classes of some kind or another. In between times I have worked massive overtime hours, not always because I wanted to, but those hours have contributed a lot of money to my retirement fund. As a side benefit, I've gotten a lot of experience at my job. The more you do things, the better you are at it.
I used to blame that on J, because sometimes I'm an immature jerk and I don't want to take responsibility for my choices and actions. But now I am ready to admit that I do this because I choose to do it. Sometimes I think I isolate myself because I am insecure and I don't think anybody would want to be friends with me. I am too flawed and have lousy social skills. Well, maybe and maybe not. On bad days when I feel depressed or frustrated, my mind goes to that conclusion. But I think about it logically, I know I don't really believe that. I believe that if I really wanted to put the time and effort into it, I would be a great friend to someone.
Some days I think I am damaged goods. I have dealt with the aftermath of childhood trauma, but honestly, how many years do I have to spend doing that? I feel like I moved on from that years ago. When I get in a state where I'm more "animal like", you know, HALT - hungry, angry, lonely tired - I have a tendency to fall back on the bad behaviors I developed as a survival mechanism. But actually not all that often. I can comfort myself enough that I don't respond like a cornered animal. And then other times, I can be having a good day and it comes out of nowhere and I snap at somebody for no reason.
Then there is J. She has her own bag of issues that she brings to the table, and she takes things out on me once in a while too. I have worried for a long time that when she lost her mother she might break up with me, believing that life is too short and she wasted too many years with me already. But she doesn't. But sometimes I wish she would. Lately she doesn't have any problem telling me how disappointed she is with me and with our life together. She laments the time and energy she put into helping me learn to be an adult, deal with money, honor deadlines and commitments and all the travel and fun and adventure she has missed out on because I don't have the time or money to travel the world with her. Just yesterday we were talking about a Barry Manilow concert we have tickets for. I am in a rush to finish my degree. I have less than 6 weeks left. In that time I have to figure out how to get 22 more hours of community contact, write two papers, read a book on pharmacology and take a test on the material. Everything in my future is riding on this. I have the degree in the palm in my hand. All I have to do is close my fingers around it and it's mine.
But no. It seems like she is doing everything in her power to interfere with this and blow my concentration. We are building another house - the third one in the course of our relationship. Some people build one new house, maybe two, in their marriage. And anyone who has been through this process can tell you that, next to the death of a loved one, it is one of the most stressful things in your life. And here we are, doing it, again. So now when I have days off where I really need to focus, write, read, study and do community time she wants to go look at mirrors. Or hang shelves. Or some other home improvement project to get ready to sell this house. We spent many, many, many weeks going to meetings with builders to try and get the house plans underway. So many times I was nodding off in the meetings because I didn't get home until 3 am or so.
But back to yesterday. Yesterday I spent most of the day doing community hours and some amount of time writing. I really, really, really need today and tonight and Saturday and any little scrap of time I can find to write my papers. Meanwhile she frequently laments that we never do anything, we never go anywhere, why don't we ever go out and do things, and so in. In her defense, I get it. I have been in school most of our relationship and she has sacrificed a lot of time and years while I do this. To make her feel better I suggested we get tickets to go see Barry Manilow. The concert is tonight. We bought the tickets weeks ago and I thought I would be farther along with my studies and I could take the time to go. But now I realize I'm in a time crunch. So yesterday I suggested that maybe I shouldn't go so I can spend time working on my paper. So as we are driving around she sighs and says "well, I'll just go to the concert by myself, because I never know when I'll ever get the chance to go to a concert again". I challenged her on this and she said that it was more of a "seize the day" kind of thought; that since she lost her mother she realized that you never know when you do something it might be the last chance you get to do it. I received it as a complaint, that she is feeling sorry for herself because we never go anywhere.
This is just one example of the off-handed remarks I hear from her all the time. And several times a day I get a lecture about what I'm not doing right, and how I should do this or that, and how nobody likes me because I'm so negative, and that I should be glad I have her because she is the only person left who is willing to put up with me, and that without her I'd be completely lost and I wouldn't be able to survive.
And I ignore it. I can't take these comments to heart. I know she is disappointed and sad, and that she has made a lot of sacrifices while I go to school, but I'm so close now. I can't let her get inside my head and blow this thing I have worked to hard to get.
Meanwhile my career is blossoming wonderfully. I am truly blessed to have landed where I am with a supportive boss, an institution that encourages growth and learning, and opportunities to grow as a leader in an environment that is pretty forgiving of mistakes while I figure it out. But I realize that this is the only opportunity I have right now and I can't blow it. Once I have the bachelor's degree, and then the master's degree, and a couple of years of experience under my belt, I will have opportunities to choose from. But for now this is about the best I can hope for. J wants me to transfer to a hospital that is closer to home, but I don't see this as a viable option. I would have to take a pay cut and take a job that I can't do physically. I am turning 55 years old this year. I am 100 pounds overweight. There is no way I can take a job in med-surg or ICU and expect to survive. Where I am is exactly where I need to be. I have a job where I can sit down during some part of the day, and with lots of down time that lets me study while I run a treatment. I have a direct line to moving into management. The doctors, and especially the medical director, like me and trust my judgement. I don't want to have to move to another place and start all over. Plus I have an established working relationship with these people. There is no guarantee that I will find such a great environment again. And I don't have the years to spend starting over and working my way up, and working on building trust with other doctors again. Anywhere else I go there will be a line of people ahead of me to try and get the kind of job I'm hoping to get now. As it is, this position has been vacant three years and nobody in our department wants it. I don't know why. But whatever horrible reason for this I think I can endure it for a couple of years; long enough to get some experience and move on.
Here I get to work on lots of projects and leadership activities, and education and team building. I am learning lots and lots of great things as a nurse and as a leader. Just today I got an email where a manager above my manager requested that I serve on a committee and that they should clear my schedule accordingly. I have worked so hard to get this kind of trust and respect. I doubt that I could ever find this again.
So I have to tune her out. I can't let her tell me that I'm worthless and flawed and broken or whatever else she believes. Is she saying this to me because maybe she thinks of herself this way? I'm not sure. I know she is disappointed but okay. I'm not the person she wants me to be. She needs to either accept that or move on.
I may move on myself anyway. I don't know. I just can't make that decision now. I need all my faculties and my energy and my brain power to finishing this degree. I have to grit my teeth and lower my head and focus. So far so good. I am getting a lot done. One of my papers is most of the way done. I may not finish it all today, but I'll be pretty close. I'll make a few phone calls and set up some appointments for community time. I will probably finish this paper on Saturday or Sunday and start the next one soon after, and I'll get it done. I made it this far, I'm sure I'll make it the rest of the way. Then I will begin the one-year work on my master's degree. I can't worry about what she does or how she feels. I have a goal and I don't have a lot of time to waste. I wish I had done this years ago, but I can't undo the past. I can only do what I can to keep going forward and not waste any more time.
Okay. Now that's off my chest. I'm going back to working on my paper for an hour or two, then I'll shower, do my hair and make up, and meet her downtown for the Barry Manilow concert. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sad to say but I really don't have any friends. The life I have made for myself has made it impossible to maintain friendships. I don't think this is on purpose and I don't even believe it is unconscious. I think this is because that I have had to spend the majority of the last 15 years or so building a life and career that will sustain me through retirement. Because I messed around and didn't get a decent education in early adulthood, I've had to spend the majority of middle adulthood working on that. For the majority of the last 15 years or so I have been in school or taking classes of some kind or another. In between times I have worked massive overtime hours, not always because I wanted to, but those hours have contributed a lot of money to my retirement fund. As a side benefit, I've gotten a lot of experience at my job. The more you do things, the better you are at it.
I used to blame that on J, because sometimes I'm an immature jerk and I don't want to take responsibility for my choices and actions. But now I am ready to admit that I do this because I choose to do it. Sometimes I think I isolate myself because I am insecure and I don't think anybody would want to be friends with me. I am too flawed and have lousy social skills. Well, maybe and maybe not. On bad days when I feel depressed or frustrated, my mind goes to that conclusion. But I think about it logically, I know I don't really believe that. I believe that if I really wanted to put the time and effort into it, I would be a great friend to someone.
Some days I think I am damaged goods. I have dealt with the aftermath of childhood trauma, but honestly, how many years do I have to spend doing that? I feel like I moved on from that years ago. When I get in a state where I'm more "animal like", you know, HALT - hungry, angry, lonely tired - I have a tendency to fall back on the bad behaviors I developed as a survival mechanism. But actually not all that often. I can comfort myself enough that I don't respond like a cornered animal. And then other times, I can be having a good day and it comes out of nowhere and I snap at somebody for no reason.
Then there is J. She has her own bag of issues that she brings to the table, and she takes things out on me once in a while too. I have worried for a long time that when she lost her mother she might break up with me, believing that life is too short and she wasted too many years with me already. But she doesn't. But sometimes I wish she would. Lately she doesn't have any problem telling me how disappointed she is with me and with our life together. She laments the time and energy she put into helping me learn to be an adult, deal with money, honor deadlines and commitments and all the travel and fun and adventure she has missed out on because I don't have the time or money to travel the world with her. Just yesterday we were talking about a Barry Manilow concert we have tickets for. I am in a rush to finish my degree. I have less than 6 weeks left. In that time I have to figure out how to get 22 more hours of community contact, write two papers, read a book on pharmacology and take a test on the material. Everything in my future is riding on this. I have the degree in the palm in my hand. All I have to do is close my fingers around it and it's mine.
But no. It seems like she is doing everything in her power to interfere with this and blow my concentration. We are building another house - the third one in the course of our relationship. Some people build one new house, maybe two, in their marriage. And anyone who has been through this process can tell you that, next to the death of a loved one, it is one of the most stressful things in your life. And here we are, doing it, again. So now when I have days off where I really need to focus, write, read, study and do community time she wants to go look at mirrors. Or hang shelves. Or some other home improvement project to get ready to sell this house. We spent many, many, many weeks going to meetings with builders to try and get the house plans underway. So many times I was nodding off in the meetings because I didn't get home until 3 am or so.
But back to yesterday. Yesterday I spent most of the day doing community hours and some amount of time writing. I really, really, really need today and tonight and Saturday and any little scrap of time I can find to write my papers. Meanwhile she frequently laments that we never do anything, we never go anywhere, why don't we ever go out and do things, and so in. In her defense, I get it. I have been in school most of our relationship and she has sacrificed a lot of time and years while I do this. To make her feel better I suggested we get tickets to go see Barry Manilow. The concert is tonight. We bought the tickets weeks ago and I thought I would be farther along with my studies and I could take the time to go. But now I realize I'm in a time crunch. So yesterday I suggested that maybe I shouldn't go so I can spend time working on my paper. So as we are driving around she sighs and says "well, I'll just go to the concert by myself, because I never know when I'll ever get the chance to go to a concert again". I challenged her on this and she said that it was more of a "seize the day" kind of thought; that since she lost her mother she realized that you never know when you do something it might be the last chance you get to do it. I received it as a complaint, that she is feeling sorry for herself because we never go anywhere.
This is just one example of the off-handed remarks I hear from her all the time. And several times a day I get a lecture about what I'm not doing right, and how I should do this or that, and how nobody likes me because I'm so negative, and that I should be glad I have her because she is the only person left who is willing to put up with me, and that without her I'd be completely lost and I wouldn't be able to survive.
And I ignore it. I can't take these comments to heart. I know she is disappointed and sad, and that she has made a lot of sacrifices while I go to school, but I'm so close now. I can't let her get inside my head and blow this thing I have worked to hard to get.
Meanwhile my career is blossoming wonderfully. I am truly blessed to have landed where I am with a supportive boss, an institution that encourages growth and learning, and opportunities to grow as a leader in an environment that is pretty forgiving of mistakes while I figure it out. But I realize that this is the only opportunity I have right now and I can't blow it. Once I have the bachelor's degree, and then the master's degree, and a couple of years of experience under my belt, I will have opportunities to choose from. But for now this is about the best I can hope for. J wants me to transfer to a hospital that is closer to home, but I don't see this as a viable option. I would have to take a pay cut and take a job that I can't do physically. I am turning 55 years old this year. I am 100 pounds overweight. There is no way I can take a job in med-surg or ICU and expect to survive. Where I am is exactly where I need to be. I have a job where I can sit down during some part of the day, and with lots of down time that lets me study while I run a treatment. I have a direct line to moving into management. The doctors, and especially the medical director, like me and trust my judgement. I don't want to have to move to another place and start all over. Plus I have an established working relationship with these people. There is no guarantee that I will find such a great environment again. And I don't have the years to spend starting over and working my way up, and working on building trust with other doctors again. Anywhere else I go there will be a line of people ahead of me to try and get the kind of job I'm hoping to get now. As it is, this position has been vacant three years and nobody in our department wants it. I don't know why. But whatever horrible reason for this I think I can endure it for a couple of years; long enough to get some experience and move on.
Here I get to work on lots of projects and leadership activities, and education and team building. I am learning lots and lots of great things as a nurse and as a leader. Just today I got an email where a manager above my manager requested that I serve on a committee and that they should clear my schedule accordingly. I have worked so hard to get this kind of trust and respect. I doubt that I could ever find this again.
So I have to tune her out. I can't let her tell me that I'm worthless and flawed and broken or whatever else she believes. Is she saying this to me because maybe she thinks of herself this way? I'm not sure. I know she is disappointed but okay. I'm not the person she wants me to be. She needs to either accept that or move on.
I may move on myself anyway. I don't know. I just can't make that decision now. I need all my faculties and my energy and my brain power to finishing this degree. I have to grit my teeth and lower my head and focus. So far so good. I am getting a lot done. One of my papers is most of the way done. I may not finish it all today, but I'll be pretty close. I'll make a few phone calls and set up some appointments for community time. I will probably finish this paper on Saturday or Sunday and start the next one soon after, and I'll get it done. I made it this far, I'm sure I'll make it the rest of the way. Then I will begin the one-year work on my master's degree. I can't worry about what she does or how she feels. I have a goal and I don't have a lot of time to waste. I wish I had done this years ago, but I can't undo the past. I can only do what I can to keep going forward and not waste any more time.
Okay. Now that's off my chest. I'm going back to working on my paper for an hour or two, then I'll shower, do my hair and make up, and meet her downtown for the Barry Manilow concert. I'll let you know how it goes.