Yes, I have a lot on my mind --
I just came home from Nate's house.
Today was another rollarcoaster of highs and lows. The day started off fairly well. I finally raised my grade in Math from a low C to a solid B. My professor was ...proud of me to say the least. She didn't even have to say anything....really. When she was handing the exams back, she just kind of looked down at me and gave me another reassuring smile. "You'll make it through okay...just keep working hard..."
After that I decided I should buy a nice outfit for the wedding I'm filming this weekend. I went to Kohls...which was my budget. Asked an associate to help me match up a couple of outfits that were appropriate for a wedding. She wasn't much help. Just kind of smiled and said, "I haven't been to a wedding in a long time....here's where our pants are..."
Spent an hour plus ripping clothes on and off my body. Then decided to travel to what seems to be the forbidden mall. Found a silk tank top and black pants that was not my budget, but will be worn multiple times.
Had 10 minutes to eat something before picking up Aaron who wasn't even at his house. Waited on Aaron's doorstep for a little while before he arrived....flustered. ? In a hurry. ::clock keeps ticking:: Drove over to COD while he talked about his afternoon and....what seems to be unanswered questions. Arrived at COD ...ran into my classroom only to stay for 15 minutes. ::sighs::
Waited outside Aaron's classroom until 8:13 p.m. He shuffled back inside and I waited another hour until his class ended.
This situation may sound pathetic to most. Picking up someone JUST so you can save that person some gas that lives 10 minutes away from COD and so you can have company. Wait outside thier classroom for over 2 hours...just so you can be with them on the ride home. I guess when I write it out, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. I think I'm just trying to see him as much as possible. I don't think he really wants to see me that much when Winter quarter begins. ---I mean...taking a class everyday. If at all.
When I mentioned that I enjoy seeing him everyday, it appeared the feeling wasn't mutal. So, I will not pursue trying to ...or incourage him into taking another class with me that meets 3/5 days of the week.
On the way home he discussed the movie they watched in Psychology and how the individuals in his class did not understand the film. He then elaborted on the fact how people should not preach about topics that they are not familiar with...or who claim they are familiar with something just because (conversation extended ).
His mood appeared melancholy and I wanted to kind of rub/pat his left arm and tell him that if he cared to discuss anything in greater detail about what was chipping away in his mind, I would extend my services the best to my ability.
However, I hesitated. And I didn't say that. I didn't say that because I had a flashback of when we were talking and I said, "That's not fair..how come you can talk to Jess for hours but not me?" and he responded, "Life isn't fair." --Or something along those lines. And then he said, "How come you can tell Radhika everything?" ---And that's when I became somewhat dumbfounded. Wasn't quite sure how to respond. What he didn't know at the time was that I had not and still have not been telling Radhika anything. I've been skimming the surface, and while in fact I talk to several people on a daily basis, he is still the one that knows in depth detail about (what) is circling around inside my head.
That comment he made about Jess ---Wasn't sure if that was true or not at the time. Nevertheless, I let it roll off my back --Although at times I feel like I "failed" in my attempt to comfort/support him.
Oh well. He said, "I don't have any plans for tonight, I'm going to call Jess and then read the gaming book." I thought to myself, No. He'll probably walk through the front door, give Jess a call, and then go out. Stay out for several hours and walk in the door a 2 or 3 in the morning.
After I dropped him off, I called Nate. He wasn't home. Went to Simons. He called me. Waited for OVER an hour before he showed up in his truck. He even paid for my bill. We went back to his house and talked--and then he let me listen to several songs he recorded. --Finally, he played a song for me. --This wasn't a first however...when we went down to the riverwalk he took his guitar with him. Finally, at 2 a.m. we watched a movie..and then I spilled milk all over his carpet.
I still had a lot of fun even though I was exhausted.
Finally, there's Carl. And no, not Ghost World. Here is part of the letter I sent to him the other day: (I'm respoinding to his email).
"I was sad to read that you feel disconsolate--or at least at the time you were writing the letter. To comment on your statement that, "but I really could not stand you leaving. I enjoy your companionship too much. sorry again Nicole, this is my problem, not yours." To be completely honest with you, I'm not quite sure how to respond to such an ....unveiling emotion? These same lines have been whispered into my ear multiple times, and has finally reached the point where the words "I think you are an intelligent, young girl/woman who I believe I need to spend more time with," is floating in one ear and dripping out the other.
In the past, I was sickened and surprisingly (afraid) by those words. As I mentioned before, I had put myself in dangerous situations where I COULD HAVE been taken advantage of, and there would have been no one to hear my muffled cries or see the warm tears fall down my face. BUT, my attitude towards pursuing something that I think might have some potential definitely comes with some precaution. Which leads me to discuss the relationship* I have slowly built with you over the past two years. Your words are very alluring and kind of leave me in a state of unconsciousness. You may shake your head to disapprove or disagree with my statement, but, it is very true. I know, I could benefit from your knowledge on various subject matter.
However, *my intentions with you are strickly non-sexual, and I will only continue what I view as merely a developing "friendship." I want to reiterate the fact that while I enjoy your intriguing views on life, I do not foresee us having anything beyond what I consider as friends. In addition to this, if I feel that visiting you has begun to make me feel vunerable..or uncomfortable, I will once again limit our communication to strictly emails. I apologize for being so curse, but, I want you to understand this is what I want ---My "compainship" is nonetheless words that seeped out from your state of loneliness. I do not want to be pursued by you."
This is what he wrote back:
"Hello and thank you for responding to my last “letter” (I wrote it as a letter and not as an e-mail) so rapidly. I apologize for its length and depth of emotion… and yet I guess I still can’t get myself across accurately. Please allow me to explain.
Nicole, although you did not go into great depth concerning the following situation, I can tell that you still have a sense of distrust because you have presumably been hurt many times in the past by men whose only goal was to try and take advantage of you. I understand how you feel and why you feel this way. When you vaguely told me about these “men” (yeah, I use that term loosely), I became physically ill to my stomach. They preyed on your youth and vulnerability to get what they wanted. Men like this make me sick. You can’t get the lost time back, but I don’t feel you should be in purgatory for the rest of your life, either.
I know you did not intend for this to hit me this way, but I was deeply hurt when you indirectly implied I was a “customer”. Nicole, I’ve been talking and coming around for two years and - yes - I guess I am really a customer. ........:: :: These are the times that men become “lonely” and perhaps desparate for companionship: an extra-marital affair is the “politically correct” term for this, I believe. I have NEVER cheated on Rosa no matter how bad our relationship became. I want to be friends with you. The foundation of all lasting relationships is a good friendship. Furthermore, If you think I’m just making things up to have you sexually, well you are WRONG. I’m telling you what’s for real because I don’t know how to make shit up. I’ve never been much of a good liar.
So, Nicole, I am surprised to think that I would want to be with you just out of loneliness. Did it ever occur to you that I want to be with somebody who might make my life more complete and in turn I would do the same for them? .... :: :: I would never want to do anything that could possibly jepordize my (friendship) with you. Maybe in the mean time I should "lay low." What do you think?
-----------------------
Today was another rollarcoaster of highs and lows. The day started off fairly well. I finally raised my grade in Math from a low C to a solid B. My professor was ...proud of me to say the least. She didn't even have to say anything....really. When she was handing the exams back, she just kind of looked down at me and gave me another reassuring smile. "You'll make it through okay...just keep working hard..."
After that I decided I should buy a nice outfit for the wedding I'm filming this weekend. I went to Kohls...which was my budget. Asked an associate to help me match up a couple of outfits that were appropriate for a wedding. She wasn't much help. Just kind of smiled and said, "I haven't been to a wedding in a long time....here's where our pants are..."
Spent an hour plus ripping clothes on and off my body. Then decided to travel to what seems to be the forbidden mall. Found a silk tank top and black pants that was not my budget, but will be worn multiple times.
Had 10 minutes to eat something before picking up Aaron who wasn't even at his house. Waited on Aaron's doorstep for a little while before he arrived....flustered. ? In a hurry. ::clock keeps ticking:: Drove over to COD while he talked about his afternoon and....what seems to be unanswered questions. Arrived at COD ...ran into my classroom only to stay for 15 minutes. ::sighs::
Waited outside Aaron's classroom until 8:13 p.m. He shuffled back inside and I waited another hour until his class ended.
This situation may sound pathetic to most. Picking up someone JUST so you can save that person some gas that lives 10 minutes away from COD and so you can have company. Wait outside thier classroom for over 2 hours...just so you can be with them on the ride home. I guess when I write it out, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. I think I'm just trying to see him as much as possible. I don't think he really wants to see me that much when Winter quarter begins. ---I mean...taking a class everyday. If at all.
When I mentioned that I enjoy seeing him everyday, it appeared the feeling wasn't mutal. So, I will not pursue trying to ...or incourage him into taking another class with me that meets 3/5 days of the week.
On the way home he discussed the movie they watched in Psychology and how the individuals in his class did not understand the film. He then elaborted on the fact how people should not preach about topics that they are not familiar with...or who claim they are familiar with something just because (conversation extended ).
His mood appeared melancholy and I wanted to kind of rub/pat his left arm and tell him that if he cared to discuss anything in greater detail about what was chipping away in his mind, I would extend my services the best to my ability.
However, I hesitated. And I didn't say that. I didn't say that because I had a flashback of when we were talking and I said, "That's not fair..how come you can talk to Jess for hours but not me?" and he responded, "Life isn't fair." --Or something along those lines. And then he said, "How come you can tell Radhika everything?" ---And that's when I became somewhat dumbfounded. Wasn't quite sure how to respond. What he didn't know at the time was that I had not and still have not been telling Radhika anything. I've been skimming the surface, and while in fact I talk to several people on a daily basis, he is still the one that knows in depth detail about (what) is circling around inside my head.
That comment he made about Jess ---Wasn't sure if that was true or not at the time. Nevertheless, I let it roll off my back --Although at times I feel like I "failed" in my attempt to comfort/support him.
Oh well. He said, "I don't have any plans for tonight, I'm going to call Jess and then read the gaming book." I thought to myself, No. He'll probably walk through the front door, give Jess a call, and then go out. Stay out for several hours and walk in the door a 2 or 3 in the morning.
After I dropped him off, I called Nate. He wasn't home. Went to Simons. He called me. Waited for OVER an hour before he showed up in his truck. He even paid for my bill. We went back to his house and talked--and then he let me listen to several songs he recorded. --Finally, he played a song for me. --This wasn't a first however...when we went down to the riverwalk he took his guitar with him. Finally, at 2 a.m. we watched a movie..and then I spilled milk all over his carpet.
I still had a lot of fun even though I was exhausted.
Finally, there's Carl. And no, not Ghost World. Here is part of the letter I sent to him the other day: (I'm respoinding to his email).
"I was sad to read that you feel disconsolate--or at least at the time you were writing the letter. To comment on your statement that, "but I really could not stand you leaving. I enjoy your companionship too much. sorry again Nicole, this is my problem, not yours." To be completely honest with you, I'm not quite sure how to respond to such an ....unveiling emotion? These same lines have been whispered into my ear multiple times, and has finally reached the point where the words "I think you are an intelligent, young girl/woman who I believe I need to spend more time with," is floating in one ear and dripping out the other.
In the past, I was sickened and surprisingly (afraid) by those words. As I mentioned before, I had put myself in dangerous situations where I COULD HAVE been taken advantage of, and there would have been no one to hear my muffled cries or see the warm tears fall down my face. BUT, my attitude towards pursuing something that I think might have some potential definitely comes with some precaution. Which leads me to discuss the relationship* I have slowly built with you over the past two years. Your words are very alluring and kind of leave me in a state of unconsciousness. You may shake your head to disapprove or disagree with my statement, but, it is very true. I know, I could benefit from your knowledge on various subject matter.
However, *my intentions with you are strickly non-sexual, and I will only continue what I view as merely a developing "friendship." I want to reiterate the fact that while I enjoy your intriguing views on life, I do not foresee us having anything beyond what I consider as friends. In addition to this, if I feel that visiting you has begun to make me feel vunerable..or uncomfortable, I will once again limit our communication to strictly emails. I apologize for being so curse, but, I want you to understand this is what I want ---My "compainship" is nonetheless words that seeped out from your state of loneliness. I do not want to be pursued by you."
This is what he wrote back:
"Hello and thank you for responding to my last “letter” (I wrote it as a letter and not as an e-mail) so rapidly. I apologize for its length and depth of emotion… and yet I guess I still can’t get myself across accurately. Please allow me to explain.
Nicole, although you did not go into great depth concerning the following situation, I can tell that you still have a sense of distrust because you have presumably been hurt many times in the past by men whose only goal was to try and take advantage of you. I understand how you feel and why you feel this way. When you vaguely told me about these “men” (yeah, I use that term loosely), I became physically ill to my stomach. They preyed on your youth and vulnerability to get what they wanted. Men like this make me sick. You can’t get the lost time back, but I don’t feel you should be in purgatory for the rest of your life, either.
I know you did not intend for this to hit me this way, but I was deeply hurt when you indirectly implied I was a “customer”. Nicole, I’ve been talking and coming around for two years and - yes - I guess I am really a customer. ........:: :: These are the times that men become “lonely” and perhaps desparate for companionship: an extra-marital affair is the “politically correct” term for this, I believe. I have NEVER cheated on Rosa no matter how bad our relationship became. I want to be friends with you. The foundation of all lasting relationships is a good friendship. Furthermore, If you think I’m just making things up to have you sexually, well you are WRONG. I’m telling you what’s for real because I don’t know how to make shit up. I’ve never been much of a good liar.
So, Nicole, I am surprised to think that I would want to be with you just out of loneliness. Did it ever occur to you that I want to be with somebody who might make my life more complete and in turn I would do the same for them? .... :: :: I would never want to do anything that could possibly jepordize my (friendship) with you. Maybe in the mean time I should "lay low." What do you think?
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