[Narrative] Don't Hide Yourself in Regret
Who: Sephiroth
What: After the Make Us Whole event, Sephiroth takes off on his own for a while to do some thinking.
Where: Southern District
When: 14th March to the 21st, so slightly backdated...
After the insanity of the reality storm had passed, Sephiroth did not feel able to face anyone, especially Rinoa and Zack. It may have been the reality storm that made him act that way, seeing Genesis everywhere but… he felt like a monster after all he had done.
He had spent months ignoring the Jenova cells within him, not willing to think of them. They made him… less human. A monster. After all, if his mother was a monster, then so was he, wasn’t he?
But he had denied the cells within him, ignored that they were there for as long as possible. He wanted to be human, because being human was far better than being a monster.
And then the last reality storm had come and … he’d gone insane again.
The experience had shaken him worse than he had let Rinoa see and so he had left to gather his thoughts as soon as he got the opportunity. He had left a note so that she would hopefully not worry but he did not want to risk her trying to make him stay. He had slipped out quietly, taking the Masamune with him.
He had not intended to be gone for too long, just enough to clear his mind. A day or two at most but then…
Then Cloud had wanted to talk and Sephiroth wanted answers.
And answers he got.
Knowing those terrible things his…
He didn’t want to think of it as his ‘future self’. More like a different Sephiroth altogether. Because there was no way in Hell that Sephiroth was going to return to Gaia to become that monster of his own free will.
…his alternate self had done did not actually make Sephiroth feel any better about himself - but that was not why he had wanted to know in any case. Zack had been so vague, either deliberately or because he genuinely hadn’t known and it had only made Sephiroth more curious.
Though Cloud had not made the conversation easy for Sephiroth, he had been very informative nonetheless.
He had known far more about Jenova than Sephiroth had anticipated. He had known Jenova was a monster but had no idea about her extraterrestrial origins or how old she really was.
And it had been Cloud who had put an end to it all. The small, quiet infantryman who Sephiroth had pretty much ignored except to ask what it was like to be home again in Nibelheim, who had seemed so… unimpressive during his time in Nautilus - he had been the one to kill Sephiroth not once, but three times because he was ‘too bugfuck insane’ to stay dead.
So much for being the world’s best SOLDIER. He wondered what Hojo must have thought, knowing his most successful experiment had been taken down by an unenhanced infantryman.
(Was that then, the reason Cloud had spent the next four years in a mako tank beside Zack? Because he had managed what the entire Wutian army had failed to do?”)
Of course, Cloud was not unenhanced anymore. Sephiroth had not failed to notice the mako glow in those eyes. He might not have been a SOLDIER but there was no doubt in Sephiroth’s mind that he had the strength and skill. (‘It might be interesting to spar with him sometime… providing he doesn’t see it as an opportunity to kill me.’)
And there was… so much more to think about…
Sephiroth wandered among the trees for a long while before settling down against one that he was mostly sure would not move just yet.
All of the terrible things that had happened in his world - would happen, if he went back - were because of the Jenova cells. The cells that were inside him.
Since recovering from his insanity, Sephiroth had tried not to think about the cells and what they meant. Too stubborn to want to deal with them, he had ignored them and had focussed only on his human side (and he had debated for a while about whether or not he had one).
For all that he had ignored them though, they had still been there. They were still active. That much became clear when he talked to Zack after passing out. He was sure he had talked to him, had even heard Zack calling for him later when the storm was over.
Zack had accepted the cells when Sephiroth had purified them. He made use of them and yet hadn’t become a monster. Not the way Sephiroth had, or the way Genesis had or believed he was a monster because of them as Angeal had. No, Zack had just… accepted them as another change. In that respect, he was stronger than Sephiroth.
Zack had also somehow become proof that someone could accept the Jenova cells without losing themselves to her. Cloud too, had the cells but he had not become a monster either. He had been controlled by that other Sephiroth for a while but he had resisted in the end and killed him.
Well, if they could do it, Sephiroth could too. He would learn to make use of the cells in ways that would not harm Zack or Cloud - or anyone else, for that matter. The easiest way would be to become more adept at sending out messages through the link the cells formed.
For the moment though, there was something else Sephiroth wished to try. He rarely attempted Bending on himself but this time, he wished to try it. After all, Zack had managed this long before he had thought to try it.
He leaned forwards, off the tree and concentrated hard. He could almost feel something happening but then… lost it. A noise off to one side had distracted him.
Shooting an annoyed glance at the Marlboro that had decided to interrupt, Sephiroth reached for the Masamune. The battle did not last long but now he had to find somewhere else to practice his Bending. Not even Sephiroth could ignore the smell of dead Marlboro.
It took several days to get it just right and then to get used to it. First, there had only been a transparent image but then it solidified. The weight felt a bit odd though, but it was definitely a wing. The feathers were dull though, not glossy and seemed too stiff. So he had tried again, this time managing healthy-looking feathers.
Sephiroth stood and spread the wing - and wobbled a bit, unused to the weight on his shoulder and not expecting the way the wind would catch it, ruffling the feathers.
He experimented with other colours for a while as well - white, like Zack and Angeal’s wing was not him, he decided. Silver, perhaps, or grey? Still not right. Black was best. He suited black anyway.
Satisfied that he had mastered Bending his wing as well as banishing it again, Sephiroth decided it was time to go home. It had been a week already and he had not contacted Zack as he had promised and nor had he contacted Rinoa as he had meant to.
Besides, it was more than past time he talked to Cloud again.
What: After the Make Us Whole event, Sephiroth takes off on his own for a while to do some thinking.
Where: Southern District
When: 14th March to the 21st, so slightly backdated...
After the insanity of the reality storm had passed, Sephiroth did not feel able to face anyone, especially Rinoa and Zack. It may have been the reality storm that made him act that way, seeing Genesis everywhere but… he felt like a monster after all he had done.
He had spent months ignoring the Jenova cells within him, not willing to think of them. They made him… less human. A monster. After all, if his mother was a monster, then so was he, wasn’t he?
But he had denied the cells within him, ignored that they were there for as long as possible. He wanted to be human, because being human was far better than being a monster.
And then the last reality storm had come and … he’d gone insane again.
The experience had shaken him worse than he had let Rinoa see and so he had left to gather his thoughts as soon as he got the opportunity. He had left a note so that she would hopefully not worry but he did not want to risk her trying to make him stay. He had slipped out quietly, taking the Masamune with him.
He had not intended to be gone for too long, just enough to clear his mind. A day or two at most but then…
Then Cloud had wanted to talk and Sephiroth wanted answers.
And answers he got.
Knowing those terrible things his…
He didn’t want to think of it as his ‘future self’. More like a different Sephiroth altogether. Because there was no way in Hell that Sephiroth was going to return to Gaia to become that monster of his own free will.
…his alternate self had done did not actually make Sephiroth feel any better about himself - but that was not why he had wanted to know in any case. Zack had been so vague, either deliberately or because he genuinely hadn’t known and it had only made Sephiroth more curious.
Though Cloud had not made the conversation easy for Sephiroth, he had been very informative nonetheless.
He had known far more about Jenova than Sephiroth had anticipated. He had known Jenova was a monster but had no idea about her extraterrestrial origins or how old she really was.
And it had been Cloud who had put an end to it all. The small, quiet infantryman who Sephiroth had pretty much ignored except to ask what it was like to be home again in Nibelheim, who had seemed so… unimpressive during his time in Nautilus - he had been the one to kill Sephiroth not once, but three times because he was ‘too bugfuck insane’ to stay dead.
So much for being the world’s best SOLDIER. He wondered what Hojo must have thought, knowing his most successful experiment had been taken down by an unenhanced infantryman.
(Was that then, the reason Cloud had spent the next four years in a mako tank beside Zack? Because he had managed what the entire Wutian army had failed to do?”)
Of course, Cloud was not unenhanced anymore. Sephiroth had not failed to notice the mako glow in those eyes. He might not have been a SOLDIER but there was no doubt in Sephiroth’s mind that he had the strength and skill. (‘It might be interesting to spar with him sometime… providing he doesn’t see it as an opportunity to kill me.’)
And there was… so much more to think about…
Sephiroth wandered among the trees for a long while before settling down against one that he was mostly sure would not move just yet.
All of the terrible things that had happened in his world - would happen, if he went back - were because of the Jenova cells. The cells that were inside him.
Since recovering from his insanity, Sephiroth had tried not to think about the cells and what they meant. Too stubborn to want to deal with them, he had ignored them and had focussed only on his human side (and he had debated for a while about whether or not he had one).
For all that he had ignored them though, they had still been there. They were still active. That much became clear when he talked to Zack after passing out. He was sure he had talked to him, had even heard Zack calling for him later when the storm was over.
Zack had accepted the cells when Sephiroth had purified them. He made use of them and yet hadn’t become a monster. Not the way Sephiroth had, or the way Genesis had or believed he was a monster because of them as Angeal had. No, Zack had just… accepted them as another change. In that respect, he was stronger than Sephiroth.
Zack had also somehow become proof that someone could accept the Jenova cells without losing themselves to her. Cloud too, had the cells but he had not become a monster either. He had been controlled by that other Sephiroth for a while but he had resisted in the end and killed him.
Well, if they could do it, Sephiroth could too. He would learn to make use of the cells in ways that would not harm Zack or Cloud - or anyone else, for that matter. The easiest way would be to become more adept at sending out messages through the link the cells formed.
For the moment though, there was something else Sephiroth wished to try. He rarely attempted Bending on himself but this time, he wished to try it. After all, Zack had managed this long before he had thought to try it.
He leaned forwards, off the tree and concentrated hard. He could almost feel something happening but then… lost it. A noise off to one side had distracted him.
Shooting an annoyed glance at the Marlboro that had decided to interrupt, Sephiroth reached for the Masamune. The battle did not last long but now he had to find somewhere else to practice his Bending. Not even Sephiroth could ignore the smell of dead Marlboro.
It took several days to get it just right and then to get used to it. First, there had only been a transparent image but then it solidified. The weight felt a bit odd though, but it was definitely a wing. The feathers were dull though, not glossy and seemed too stiff. So he had tried again, this time managing healthy-looking feathers.
Sephiroth stood and spread the wing - and wobbled a bit, unused to the weight on his shoulder and not expecting the way the wind would catch it, ruffling the feathers.
He experimented with other colours for a while as well - white, like Zack and Angeal’s wing was not him, he decided. Silver, perhaps, or grey? Still not right. Black was best. He suited black anyway.
Satisfied that he had mastered Bending his wing as well as banishing it again, Sephiroth decided it was time to go home. It had been a week already and he had not contacted Zack as he had promised and nor had he contacted Rinoa as he had meant to.
Besides, it was more than past time he talked to Cloud again.