Can't say this out loud...i hate the sound of my own voice
I can't do anything. What is this feeling and why is it attaching itself to me, i feel smothered. I can't be in a room with anyone just now. I saw it all go from spaced-out to depressing. And now its this. And i can't escape, i realised what i mean to most of the people i know today. Looking at the list and seeing that none of them care enough to start a conversation. Would i make a difference in thier lives if i picked up the phone and called them, tried to reach into thier worlds and touch thier lives. I'm the one left behind. Sitting, pretending that i'm still true to myself while they are off having fun. How can pockets on trousers affect my behaviour, its inisgnificant, i know, and i see thier logic but i don't need this right now. I need a grip. And the music wont stop playing in my head as i spill all this out. Why do i feel like shit, i try to help people but it hasn't got me anywhere. And to top it all off this feeling of helplessness settles on me like a black cloud, attaching itself to me and i can consciously see it draggin me down. But i dont' even suffer from depression. I feel adrift at sea and everyone is expecting things from me when im just trying my hardest to stay afloat. People are super-happy and im trying to keep up my persona because they'l all see whats wrong and i don't want that attention right now. I need to get this out of my system. I need to wake up tomorrow and get on with my life instead of moping around on the internet trying to make my feelings sort themselves out. But i still can't put into words what im trying to say. Would capturing it in words make the feeling go away? I'm feeling ill now, like im saturated by all this. I want to escape. This is too long, im getting nowhere and im just filling another topic with the thoughts of a person you have never met. Anyway, at least this will be over tomorrow, i will feel so much better, and i'll look back and laugh. I always do, it always goes away and i feel fine again. So, i've decided im going to go be alone, and ride this storm. I'll make it through eventually.
(In the mean time)
Adam realized that he was just starting to live after 2 dead years with susie. he realized that.. there was a whole world out there. He comes home explains me that its over when he goes to birmingham and I remeber looking at him breifly before it hit. I remeber thinking that this would never happen to us. Its hard enough to see though the tears streaming down my face... but the reason...was for no one but himself. the classic, it's not you, its me... that only poured salt into my wonds that tore deep into my chest slit my heart just for the satisfaction of himself. after that I cried every night untill i felt as if my tears had ran dry. I woke up in the middle of the night crying because i had no idea what was going to become of me... I felt as if i wasnt anything to a higher power. Only sad music would come of me.. and writing was not an option then... he swore it was the right thing to do... but everyone was so amazed. the two most inlove people had to feel the pain of loss. or atleast, i did.... I know this happens to everyone. being left in love with no one there to grab onto and have them say... "It will be okay... he'll fall into your arms again.. he'll be the one to wipe away your tears... and yet. life goes on." but my heart still breaks whenever i hear his name, or see his face. sometimes i just want to run... so far away that not even my shadow can catch up with me. I am trying to re-kindle the flame of my heart... but i have let every emotion flow out of my body my mind and my soul. there is no way out.. im locked in a room where there is no way out. I miss the way he laughs at my jokes, even if they weren't funny. I miss his smile. I miss the hope of the future he once shed light upon. Now i sit alone with hope of a phone call. a letter. anything... with hope.
(In the mean time)
Adam realized that he was just starting to live after 2 dead years with susie. he realized that.. there was a whole world out there. He comes home explains me that its over when he goes to birmingham and I remeber looking at him breifly before it hit. I remeber thinking that this would never happen to us. Its hard enough to see though the tears streaming down my face... but the reason...was for no one but himself. the classic, it's not you, its me... that only poured salt into my wonds that tore deep into my chest slit my heart just for the satisfaction of himself. after that I cried every night untill i felt as if my tears had ran dry. I woke up in the middle of the night crying because i had no idea what was going to become of me... I felt as if i wasnt anything to a higher power. Only sad music would come of me.. and writing was not an option then... he swore it was the right thing to do... but everyone was so amazed. the two most inlove people had to feel the pain of loss. or atleast, i did.... I know this happens to everyone. being left in love with no one there to grab onto and have them say... "It will be okay... he'll fall into your arms again.. he'll be the one to wipe away your tears... and yet. life goes on." but my heart still breaks whenever i hear his name, or see his face. sometimes i just want to run... so far away that not even my shadow can catch up with me. I am trying to re-kindle the flame of my heart... but i have let every emotion flow out of my body my mind and my soul. there is no way out.. im locked in a room where there is no way out. I miss the way he laughs at my jokes, even if they weren't funny. I miss his smile. I miss the hope of the future he once shed light upon. Now i sit alone with hope of a phone call. a letter. anything... with hope.