TAKE 2!!!
Yesterday i tried to write about my current situation but never got to finish it..(let alone start it)
So im gonna try now...
Again starting with adam:
Adam is my best friend...i think hes wonderfull and adore him something rotten, but found my feelings not recipricated...(go figure)
I helped him over his seperation with his wife...i was his rock...and in his need for me i suppose he became mine. I ve tried so hard to be there but not to smother him...but obviously that was the wrong approach as i was and still get treated like i were his ex wife...something i dont think i deserve. Yes i LOVE being with him, and spend more time with him than anyone else, but i always let him go out and do what he wants...even if it means im alone.
He had so many barriers in his life and i tried to help him break them down...to help him find the real adam...not the used, abused, confused and timid person he had become because of years of dependancy on him.
Suzie has cronic fatigue syndrome...but she lapped it on thick when adam bowed to her every whim and whimper...and got 'worse' over 6 years of marrige...hhhmmm got better at faking (and guess what now she no longer has him shes almost CURED!!! HALELLOOYAA...A MIRICLE!!!...yeah right)
Befor then he catered for his mum...and now he has no one who wants anything from him...(all i want is his friendship, and company) he has no boundries to push against and no one who needs him (other than me) and i think that that fazed him...and of course i got the brunt.
I admit i let him walk over me...i want to go for a climbing weekend to the peaks with adam...he says yes...but lately its just been something to say...as if to keep me happy...but i just want a TRUTHFULL answer...a yes is fabulous...a no...well at least i can organise something else for me to do...but im kept hanging on till 2 days befor and then told its a no...how can i work around that???
Adam has gotten so good at hiding the truth and what he means because he dosent want to cause waves...but in not being honest he just makes it worse...esspecially for me as im the one he respects least and the one ALWAYS let down.
(It reads like im on a witch hunt...but im not...im just trying to sort things out in my own head so i can deal with the current circumstances easier)
Im not good at loving people...as soon as i confess my love im dumped..so ive refrained from the same mistake with adam...i dont want to scare him off with words of commitment so soon after his seperation but admitting them to adam...or not admitting them as the case may be...i still loved him...just he didnt know it verbally. I would still (and still do) get hurt by his actions intentional or not.
And here i come to the punch...What i mistook as him needing more space to figure him self out and time alone was fake.
This is where i got hurt...
I have hinted that i would love to go to dinner with him and the cinema, and be introduce to his mates as his girlfriend...but im still waiting...instead i find out from his house mates that over the past 4 weeks he has been seeing another girl when he has been telling me he was at home...i must admit this is partially true...but he was at his house with this other girl on his lap till 2am...tickeling matches and scampers to his bedroom...(i cant even stoke him without him pulling away but she can tickle him for hours...silly point but hurtfull none the less)
Now i sit on his couch with him and wonder...what if i stoke his leg...did she do that...is that what he'll think about??? If i hug him...is he just doing it to reasure me or beacuse he wants to???
Another thing is dinner...he took this girl...(her name is catherine...cat for short) to dinner on a night he told me he was going to see a friend called john...(funny looking john)
SO not onlt was i lied to about who he was with but also cat was treated to a dinner i have been patiently waiting for an invitation for for months...
This just makes me wonder what it is i have been doing wrong for adam to search for female company somewhere else...
why wasnt i good enough...
Why did he feel he had to go somewhere else...
What wasnt i doing right...
If i was/am doing something wrong why dosent he ask me to change...
Why did he feel he has to lie about cat to me...(granted i might have been a bit miffed about this other girl...jealouse even...its human nature) but i wouldnt have stopped him...its the fact he kept her from me made it worse..like i WAS/AM suzie...
Adam has admitted to me that he dosent respect me or trust me as much as he should...as much as everyone else...and that deverstated me...im supposed to be his best friend, his girl friend...and he trusts me less than his house mates cat...(yeah funny pun...if only...)
I dont know where i stand now...or what to do or how to act or what to be...
Where i stand...he still wants to be 'friends' with cat...(not sure how i feel about that) He also dosent want to introduce me to her because he dosent want to hurt her feelings...PARDON...!!!what about mine...???and has he even told her about me???is that why hes being secrative???
WHat to do...I dont know where to go from here...one day at a time just seems to give me too much time to thik...(like now)..i need some direction..purpose.
How to act...as normal???will that give the impression that im not bothered and he can do it again??? Or do i act distant...but that wont help us sort things out...
What to be...this one is the biggest...Obviously what i was wasnt what was wanted...so how do i change???Be more like cat??? Be myself and hope for the best...or till next time???
So many things...no one to talk to...
I now find my self questioning everything...he says hes working...but is he REALLY??? or (as yesterday) is someone covering for him and i just dont know any better...DOse he have time to see her befor he starts work at 1pm??? or dose he finish at 7 and sees her for 1 and a half hours??? Is he really going to see john this time??? Or is it another lie...now i just find myself plauged with uncertainty..and its ripping my insides apart.
I cant eat properly...because ive felt so sick with hurt and grief that i physically can not hold anything down...
I also havent been sleeping properly because my brain is too busy running at 10 to the dozen...and when i do get some rest im distracted by dreams where adam is hiding girls from me and lying and planning holidays with them behind my back...i wake up twice as confused and wounded as before and at 3am try to sneak down stairs to get my keys and drive away...
ADAM WHAT HAVE YOU DONE????
Dose he even comprehend how desditute this has made me???
How confused i am???
How HURT and beaten down i feel???
Im sure i will recover..but its gonna take ALOT of time...
I'll keep me posted...
So im gonna try now...
Again starting with adam:
Adam is my best friend...i think hes wonderfull and adore him something rotten, but found my feelings not recipricated...(go figure)
I helped him over his seperation with his wife...i was his rock...and in his need for me i suppose he became mine. I ve tried so hard to be there but not to smother him...but obviously that was the wrong approach as i was and still get treated like i were his ex wife...something i dont think i deserve. Yes i LOVE being with him, and spend more time with him than anyone else, but i always let him go out and do what he wants...even if it means im alone.
He had so many barriers in his life and i tried to help him break them down...to help him find the real adam...not the used, abused, confused and timid person he had become because of years of dependancy on him.
Suzie has cronic fatigue syndrome...but she lapped it on thick when adam bowed to her every whim and whimper...and got 'worse' over 6 years of marrige...hhhmmm got better at faking (and guess what now she no longer has him shes almost CURED!!! HALELLOOYAA...A MIRICLE!!!...yeah right)
Befor then he catered for his mum...and now he has no one who wants anything from him...(all i want is his friendship, and company) he has no boundries to push against and no one who needs him (other than me) and i think that that fazed him...and of course i got the brunt.
I admit i let him walk over me...i want to go for a climbing weekend to the peaks with adam...he says yes...but lately its just been something to say...as if to keep me happy...but i just want a TRUTHFULL answer...a yes is fabulous...a no...well at least i can organise something else for me to do...but im kept hanging on till 2 days befor and then told its a no...how can i work around that???
Adam has gotten so good at hiding the truth and what he means because he dosent want to cause waves...but in not being honest he just makes it worse...esspecially for me as im the one he respects least and the one ALWAYS let down.
(It reads like im on a witch hunt...but im not...im just trying to sort things out in my own head so i can deal with the current circumstances easier)
Im not good at loving people...as soon as i confess my love im dumped..so ive refrained from the same mistake with adam...i dont want to scare him off with words of commitment so soon after his seperation but admitting them to adam...or not admitting them as the case may be...i still loved him...just he didnt know it verbally. I would still (and still do) get hurt by his actions intentional or not.
And here i come to the punch...What i mistook as him needing more space to figure him self out and time alone was fake.
This is where i got hurt...
I have hinted that i would love to go to dinner with him and the cinema, and be introduce to his mates as his girlfriend...but im still waiting...instead i find out from his house mates that over the past 4 weeks he has been seeing another girl when he has been telling me he was at home...i must admit this is partially true...but he was at his house with this other girl on his lap till 2am...tickeling matches and scampers to his bedroom...(i cant even stoke him without him pulling away but she can tickle him for hours...silly point but hurtfull none the less)
Now i sit on his couch with him and wonder...what if i stoke his leg...did she do that...is that what he'll think about??? If i hug him...is he just doing it to reasure me or beacuse he wants to???
Another thing is dinner...he took this girl...(her name is catherine...cat for short) to dinner on a night he told me he was going to see a friend called john...(funny looking john)
SO not onlt was i lied to about who he was with but also cat was treated to a dinner i have been patiently waiting for an invitation for for months...
This just makes me wonder what it is i have been doing wrong for adam to search for female company somewhere else...
why wasnt i good enough...
Why did he feel he had to go somewhere else...
What wasnt i doing right...
If i was/am doing something wrong why dosent he ask me to change...
Why did he feel he has to lie about cat to me...(granted i might have been a bit miffed about this other girl...jealouse even...its human nature) but i wouldnt have stopped him...its the fact he kept her from me made it worse..like i WAS/AM suzie...
Adam has admitted to me that he dosent respect me or trust me as much as he should...as much as everyone else...and that deverstated me...im supposed to be his best friend, his girl friend...and he trusts me less than his house mates cat...(yeah funny pun...if only...)
I dont know where i stand now...or what to do or how to act or what to be...
Where i stand...he still wants to be 'friends' with cat...(not sure how i feel about that) He also dosent want to introduce me to her because he dosent want to hurt her feelings...PARDON...!!!what about mine...???and has he even told her about me???is that why hes being secrative???
WHat to do...I dont know where to go from here...one day at a time just seems to give me too much time to thik...(like now)..i need some direction..purpose.
How to act...as normal???will that give the impression that im not bothered and he can do it again??? Or do i act distant...but that wont help us sort things out...
What to be...this one is the biggest...Obviously what i was wasnt what was wanted...so how do i change???Be more like cat??? Be myself and hope for the best...or till next time???
So many things...no one to talk to...
I now find my self questioning everything...he says hes working...but is he REALLY??? or (as yesterday) is someone covering for him and i just dont know any better...DOse he have time to see her befor he starts work at 1pm??? or dose he finish at 7 and sees her for 1 and a half hours??? Is he really going to see john this time??? Or is it another lie...now i just find myself plauged with uncertainty..and its ripping my insides apart.
I cant eat properly...because ive felt so sick with hurt and grief that i physically can not hold anything down...
I also havent been sleeping properly because my brain is too busy running at 10 to the dozen...and when i do get some rest im distracted by dreams where adam is hiding girls from me and lying and planning holidays with them behind my back...i wake up twice as confused and wounded as before and at 3am try to sneak down stairs to get my keys and drive away...
ADAM WHAT HAVE YOU DONE????
Dose he even comprehend how desditute this has made me???
How confused i am???
How HURT and beaten down i feel???
Im sure i will recover..but its gonna take ALOT of time...
I'll keep me posted...