(no subject)

Mar 07, 2005 16:48

Gotta kick this depression in the pants...

Im so low that i try and hide it by being lively...but my heart isnt really in it and i end up just sounding sarcastic and bitchy...esspecially when it comes to my boyfreind...(laughable term)
When we started going out i jokingly called him my 'non committed male aquaitance' because neither was sure if what we were doing was right...now we ARE boyfriend and girlfriend and its all gone tits up...ive become some trash punching bag...all the shit gets hurled at me...this is made worse by the fact we never do anything...he comes back from work and 'is tired' fair enough but never too tired to go out to see john...but to tired to go to the cinema with me...

I thought relationships where about experiencing things 'TOGETHER' to learn and grow together...not just someone you shag (when HE fells like it) and somebody you go to when you have nothing better to do...or no food in your house...but someone you could realte to and share and tell anything to...someone who was your bestest frined...the greatest thing in your life...

...or am i just deluded and these things never igsist...just a lost hope in a dreamless mind

LEAVE HIM...yeah ive thought about it...i owe him NOTHING...ive been there for him when he broke up with his wife...i took the battering when he got upset by her...ive gotten him to where he wants to be emotionally and now im being cast of like a inuit grandparent on an ice float...I feel so cheated...used...used and abandoned now ive found him a new life...

As for me..left behind watching from afar having not moved but stayed where i started...if anything then just more drained then when i first met them...

I sure if i could just shake this feeling and just believe in our relationship then it would be fine...but i cant find it in me...every time i get involved and just as im about to relent and love them...it all goes wrong...(ALWAYS) and im the one left wanting and the one hurting...I cant let that happen again and so my relationship is fucked up befor its begun...the thing is i REALLY like him...but i feel he wont tell me he loves me in retaliation because i CANT tell him i love him back...

Now hes spending more and more time away..finding a new freedom after being a prisoner for the last 6 years...

Thats another thing...6 years of looking after his wife...being her nurse (another story..dont get me started) doing EVERYTHING for her and she just lapped it up and he didnt even notice...then he left her...and now we are together im being treated as if i were his ex wife...every thing he let her get away with i am punished for...i get snapped at when i say something he dosent like because 'suzie used to do that'

SO FUCKING WHAT...
IM NOT SUZIE
NEVER HAVE BEEN NEVER WILL BE...
SO FUCKING STOP TRESATING ME LIKE I AM

oh i dont know..im so angery...at and with every thing...

Im fighting a war with my self and either way i lose...

*(whispers in the darkness..."help me brother...dont leave me alone in the dark, im scared, scared of being alone...in the dark......silence)
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