(no subject)
wow...so long since ive written anything..7th Decaember...
So much has happened i can even remember what came first, where to start or what has happened...
in short...Im losing it...everything...slowing leaving me...spiraling further and further away...and there is nothing i can do.
Im just so down...further than i ever remember and now one sees it...ive never felt so alone in my life...and just when i need thoses who supposedly love me the most..i turn to find im deserted and utterly alone...
Words can not describe how i feel, but let me try...
devoid, empty, disgarded, undervalued, over looked...this isnt close...COLD
I keep thinking of tow songs...Anastastia: a line goes...'Try to fly away but its impossilbe, Every breath i take gives birth to deeper sighs...'
and the buffy musical...the line: 'I touch the fire and it freezes me...i look into it and its black, why cant i feel, this wound will never heal...i want my fire back'
Why do i feel like this...
My life,
My job,
My friends,
My love life,
My soul...
My life: mundane, monotonus, dredgury, i feel each day rushing past...so fast i almost feel it as wind, i cant do anything to stop it or slow it down and im just being swept along...and no one can catch me when i fall
My job: Two problems in one...i hate my jo, mind numbing and sickening...i feel my self sink all day...weight down by the air con and the heat...
Secondly...I havent been paid for 2 months...if i quit i dont see a penny of my wages but if i stay i am effectively working for free...
> because im not gertting paid im also in trouble with the bank...
My friends: easily solved...I HAVE NONE...im so lonely...(*sob)
I have no one to turn to, no one to confide in...as simon and garfunkle im a rock...an island...but unlike them...not a role i enjoy...depite seeming to be the opposite...it just stops me getting upset....like a clowns mask.
My love life: oh dear...(*weep) im doomed...plain an simply...looking at it...all the women in my family are crap when it comes to men...(im switching sides) and i seem to be leading the fucked up revolution
i mean when i guy says ..'i need more space'...well it only means one thing...and the only person who's not admitting it is him...he hasent touched me in weeks...Whats wrong with me???
Im in a relation ship thats going backwards...the sad part is i should be ready for it by now...Ive been ripped apart befor...and vowed not to let it happen again...i find it impossible to trust and even harded to love...(anyone) but he was different...and just as i was about to admitt i loved him...he hurls the biggest harming, damaging, hrutfull punch straight at my core. I feel so trashed...like trash...so hurt that my actual insides hurt...like a physical blow. What to do???
My soul: Its shattered beyond repair...
So much has happened i can even remember what came first, where to start or what has happened...
in short...Im losing it...everything...slowing leaving me...spiraling further and further away...and there is nothing i can do.
Im just so down...further than i ever remember and now one sees it...ive never felt so alone in my life...and just when i need thoses who supposedly love me the most..i turn to find im deserted and utterly alone...
Words can not describe how i feel, but let me try...
devoid, empty, disgarded, undervalued, over looked...this isnt close...COLD
I keep thinking of tow songs...Anastastia: a line goes...'Try to fly away but its impossilbe, Every breath i take gives birth to deeper sighs...'
and the buffy musical...the line: 'I touch the fire and it freezes me...i look into it and its black, why cant i feel, this wound will never heal...i want my fire back'
Why do i feel like this...
My life,
My job,
My friends,
My love life,
My soul...
My life: mundane, monotonus, dredgury, i feel each day rushing past...so fast i almost feel it as wind, i cant do anything to stop it or slow it down and im just being swept along...and no one can catch me when i fall
My job: Two problems in one...i hate my jo, mind numbing and sickening...i feel my self sink all day...weight down by the air con and the heat...
Secondly...I havent been paid for 2 months...if i quit i dont see a penny of my wages but if i stay i am effectively working for free...
> because im not gertting paid im also in trouble with the bank...
My friends: easily solved...I HAVE NONE...im so lonely...(*sob)
I have no one to turn to, no one to confide in...as simon and garfunkle im a rock...an island...but unlike them...not a role i enjoy...depite seeming to be the opposite...it just stops me getting upset....like a clowns mask.
My love life: oh dear...(*weep) im doomed...plain an simply...looking at it...all the women in my family are crap when it comes to men...(im switching sides) and i seem to be leading the fucked up revolution
i mean when i guy says ..'i need more space'...well it only means one thing...and the only person who's not admitting it is him...he hasent touched me in weeks...Whats wrong with me???
Im in a relation ship thats going backwards...the sad part is i should be ready for it by now...Ive been ripped apart befor...and vowed not to let it happen again...i find it impossible to trust and even harded to love...(anyone) but he was different...and just as i was about to admitt i loved him...he hurls the biggest harming, damaging, hrutfull punch straight at my core. I feel so trashed...like trash...so hurt that my actual insides hurt...like a physical blow. What to do???
My soul: Its shattered beyond repair...