On the suburban doldrums.
I guess it doesn't help that I'm being relatively anti-social in the past few days. I actually feel relatively decent this year in terms of gift giving, which is a shock among many things because last year I was essentially in tears. I'm sure we can all agree that gift giving sucks when there's a deadline attached to it. I'm a much more compulsive buyer in that if I see something that I know someone would like, I'll generally get it. Or schedule a day to get it which happens to coincide with a holiday. But this running around trying to find crap is not my cup of tea. =[ I still need to find something for my mommy, aside from the knitting book I got her. I'm looking at a pair of bamboo knitting needles, as the ones she received in her kit were all metal and I'm told that bamboo is so the way to go.
I've never checked the facebook as much as I have this winter break. It was mostly in anxiety to see if people from elementary / middle school still remember me since I haven't seen them since high school. Fortunately, they do. And it's more than just sending a friend confirmation and then you eagerly check your friends list to see if they've updated you there. When I messaged these people, they actually respond with something like, "Hey, I remember when we used to compete to see who could complete Mrs. Kabat's reading logs faster!" It's nice to see that I'm somewhere in there, even if I'm relegated to storage.
Then again, I've also noticed that I'm starting to obsess, as I am apt to do when I find something. To give a little backdrop to this scenario, I knew this girl who moved to POB in 4th grade. Her name is Jen Yoon. We took the project challenge test and got in the next year. Project Challenge, for the blissfully ignorant, is a terrible program where "gifted" kids go one day in the week to explore themselves and their creativity and other bullshit like that. I believed it at the time, and now that I look back on it, it is a waste. It should be abolished. The only thing I remember is that I played a lot of chess (and to this day, I still suck).
But I digress.
To bring it back to the topic, I was never in any actual class with Jen Yoon in middle school. We just had project challenge, and even then it was limited contact. I'm sure we were still in the phase when boys and girls did not socialize due to middle school taboo. However, I do remember that I did have a giant crush on her. I fell for her big. Like omgwtfbbq big. I had dreams of rescuing her from whatever dangers she needed to be rescued from, and thus we live happily ever after. Hooray!
Then she moved. Tragic, I know. This may have started my overwhelming (and very artificial) sense of cynicism in 7th grade. We all move on with our lives, and now I finally get into contact with her via the facebook. By contact, I mean that we exchanged a single message and friend invitation. However, I've been perusing her facebook profile, read into her Xanga, and I'm just completely shocked. She still looks nearly the same as she did in middle school, which for me is a wonderful thing.
But more than that, I'm in awe of her spirit. I would never have guessed for her to be a really devout Christian, but she is. Like knowing passages from the Bible. That's some hardcore Christianity right there. I was reading this thing from her Xanga (shut up, she put it up on the facebook so it's FINE to stalk her via xanga) and there was this one entry that really made me smile. She's talking to a friend, and he asks "What do you want for Christmas?" She replies, "I want you to take half the money you would have spent on me and take out a homeless person for lunch. Then I want you to take the other half of the money you spent and donate it to any charity of your choosing. Finally, I want you to take pictures along the way and send them to me."
Just, wow.
So even if I don't get to see her, I still at least want to be in contact with her. I do miss her a lot.
So if you would be so polite to excuse my foray into sappiness, I shall continue with the rest of this holiday.
I have a guitar for Christmas, but I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do with it. I know you're supposed to learn it and play it (I'm not retarded) but I have no idea how I'm going to schlep it back to Cleveland. I'm looking at...no. It's not going to happen when I go back to this semester, as I still have two suitcases and a violin.
In addition, I have a nice sum of money to add to the bank account, which will hopefully last me through the year in addition to what I earn at work. My sisters got me a Frazz sweatshirt (which is great considering that my light jacket is bunk) and the Jon Stewart Book. I think I'll start reading that during break, as I have just about ODed on video games and suppose that I might need something to get my brain into thinking again.
I will hang out with people at some time. I'm just not sure when.
I notice a lot that I censor a lot of my feelings on the LJ, which I guess defeats the purpose of it. If you need to use the backspace key for more than anything that rewording or grammar correction, then there is something that needs to be addressed. Journals, online or not, are meant to be records of whatever you're thinking at the time. Whether or not something is insignificant, and thus getting rid of it, is silly. It's bad enough that we don't type down everything that our brain is telling us too. To shorten it even further is bad.
But if I were to let my brain go wild and have it's way with everything, many of my entries would look like this.
"So I went to the grocery store today and fuckfuckshitass bought some milk. Yeah that was it. And I fucked" -deletedeletedeletedeletedeletedelete- "paid way too much for it."
New Years Resolution #1: Stop randomly typing curses into papers and then deleting them afterwards. I don't know when this started to become a habit of mine, but it has. I do it a lot. I think it stems from when I used to leave my fingers idle for too long, and then it hits some sort of motor-neuron screensaver dealie. I remember my first phrase was "Jonathan Chang is the ruler of the universe." As that was too long, I've quickly shortened it to most words that have 7 letters or less, many of which would be inappropriate to be uttered on TV, let alone written into an essay.
Usually, I delete these right away, but much more recently I've noticed that every now and then, they slip. Maybe it's because I run with a good idea and forget that I may have left the word "cuntlicker" somewhere in my thesis. So that is one of my resolutions: NO MORE REFLEX TYPE CURSING.
I haven't showered for two days now. Or maybe it's three. I'm not sure. I just know that I'm wearing my small size fraternity shirt, and I loooooooove the way it outlines my body. I'm not saying that I'm muscular by any definition, but damn if it doesn't make my torso look good. If only I could say the same thing about how I smell. I should get on that.
I've been having more and more thoughts that I may not be gay, or even bi, after all. I think I may be mistaking my sexual orientation possibly with just a sense of aesthethic pleasure. Not once in my life have I thought about actually having a relationship with another guy. It's purely been, "I like the way his body looks" or "I love his face." It's never been anything beyond that. Yet, I'm almost always trying to find a girl/woman to settle with. It's very odd for me, I think, because I love being a diva. I live for being a typical queen because it's just fun. But the more I analyze it, the more I think "Am I just exploiting a stereotype and now an inherently bad person because I don't fully believe in it?"
Oi.
I think I'm about thought out for the night. I still need to find a way to spend the next few hours, as I took a nap from 7 - 11 today for no particular reason at all, and will not be falling asleep anytime soon.
I've never checked the facebook as much as I have this winter break. It was mostly in anxiety to see if people from elementary / middle school still remember me since I haven't seen them since high school. Fortunately, they do. And it's more than just sending a friend confirmation and then you eagerly check your friends list to see if they've updated you there. When I messaged these people, they actually respond with something like, "Hey, I remember when we used to compete to see who could complete Mrs. Kabat's reading logs faster!" It's nice to see that I'm somewhere in there, even if I'm relegated to storage.
Then again, I've also noticed that I'm starting to obsess, as I am apt to do when I find something. To give a little backdrop to this scenario, I knew this girl who moved to POB in 4th grade. Her name is Jen Yoon. We took the project challenge test and got in the next year. Project Challenge, for the blissfully ignorant, is a terrible program where "gifted" kids go one day in the week to explore themselves and their creativity and other bullshit like that. I believed it at the time, and now that I look back on it, it is a waste. It should be abolished. The only thing I remember is that I played a lot of chess (and to this day, I still suck).
But I digress.
To bring it back to the topic, I was never in any actual class with Jen Yoon in middle school. We just had project challenge, and even then it was limited contact. I'm sure we were still in the phase when boys and girls did not socialize due to middle school taboo. However, I do remember that I did have a giant crush on her. I fell for her big. Like omgwtfbbq big. I had dreams of rescuing her from whatever dangers she needed to be rescued from, and thus we live happily ever after. Hooray!
Then she moved. Tragic, I know. This may have started my overwhelming (and very artificial) sense of cynicism in 7th grade. We all move on with our lives, and now I finally get into contact with her via the facebook. By contact, I mean that we exchanged a single message and friend invitation. However, I've been perusing her facebook profile, read into her Xanga, and I'm just completely shocked. She still looks nearly the same as she did in middle school, which for me is a wonderful thing.
But more than that, I'm in awe of her spirit. I would never have guessed for her to be a really devout Christian, but she is. Like knowing passages from the Bible. That's some hardcore Christianity right there. I was reading this thing from her Xanga (shut up, she put it up on the facebook so it's FINE to stalk her via xanga) and there was this one entry that really made me smile. She's talking to a friend, and he asks "What do you want for Christmas?" She replies, "I want you to take half the money you would have spent on me and take out a homeless person for lunch. Then I want you to take the other half of the money you spent and donate it to any charity of your choosing. Finally, I want you to take pictures along the way and send them to me."
Just, wow.
So even if I don't get to see her, I still at least want to be in contact with her. I do miss her a lot.
So if you would be so polite to excuse my foray into sappiness, I shall continue with the rest of this holiday.
I have a guitar for Christmas, but I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do with it. I know you're supposed to learn it and play it (I'm not retarded) but I have no idea how I'm going to schlep it back to Cleveland. I'm looking at...no. It's not going to happen when I go back to this semester, as I still have two suitcases and a violin.
In addition, I have a nice sum of money to add to the bank account, which will hopefully last me through the year in addition to what I earn at work. My sisters got me a Frazz sweatshirt (which is great considering that my light jacket is bunk) and the Jon Stewart Book. I think I'll start reading that during break, as I have just about ODed on video games and suppose that I might need something to get my brain into thinking again.
I will hang out with people at some time. I'm just not sure when.
I notice a lot that I censor a lot of my feelings on the LJ, which I guess defeats the purpose of it. If you need to use the backspace key for more than anything that rewording or grammar correction, then there is something that needs to be addressed. Journals, online or not, are meant to be records of whatever you're thinking at the time. Whether or not something is insignificant, and thus getting rid of it, is silly. It's bad enough that we don't type down everything that our brain is telling us too. To shorten it even further is bad.
But if I were to let my brain go wild and have it's way with everything, many of my entries would look like this.
"So I went to the grocery store today and fuckfuckshitass bought some milk. Yeah that was it. And I fucked" -deletedeletedeletedeletedeletedelete- "paid way too much for it."
New Years Resolution #1: Stop randomly typing curses into papers and then deleting them afterwards. I don't know when this started to become a habit of mine, but it has. I do it a lot. I think it stems from when I used to leave my fingers idle for too long, and then it hits some sort of motor-neuron screensaver dealie. I remember my first phrase was "Jonathan Chang is the ruler of the universe." As that was too long, I've quickly shortened it to most words that have 7 letters or less, many of which would be inappropriate to be uttered on TV, let alone written into an essay.
Usually, I delete these right away, but much more recently I've noticed that every now and then, they slip. Maybe it's because I run with a good idea and forget that I may have left the word "cuntlicker" somewhere in my thesis. So that is one of my resolutions: NO MORE REFLEX TYPE CURSING.
I haven't showered for two days now. Or maybe it's three. I'm not sure. I just know that I'm wearing my small size fraternity shirt, and I loooooooove the way it outlines my body. I'm not saying that I'm muscular by any definition, but damn if it doesn't make my torso look good. If only I could say the same thing about how I smell. I should get on that.
I've been having more and more thoughts that I may not be gay, or even bi, after all. I think I may be mistaking my sexual orientation possibly with just a sense of aesthethic pleasure. Not once in my life have I thought about actually having a relationship with another guy. It's purely been, "I like the way his body looks" or "I love his face." It's never been anything beyond that. Yet, I'm almost always trying to find a girl/woman to settle with. It's very odd for me, I think, because I love being a diva. I live for being a typical queen because it's just fun. But the more I analyze it, the more I think "Am I just exploiting a stereotype and now an inherently bad person because I don't fully believe in it?"
Oi.
I think I'm about thought out for the night. I still need to find a way to spend the next few hours, as I took a nap from 7 - 11 today for no particular reason at all, and will not be falling asleep anytime soon.