On...me.
So I got the feeling today that no one really appreciates me. Save for those couple of people, I just have a feeling that I'm now like that 5th wheel or little brother who tags along because he can. Granted, I've had this feeling before, most noticeably when I made my treks out to the city because I generally hung out with an older crowd. But today, this feeling really sunk in when I was around my peers.
But rather than get angry about it and demand more attention, I started thinking to myself. Why should they give me more attention? I can clamor all I want for it, but in reality, I honestly don't bring anything to the table. I've finally realized that I've been running on a gigantic ego trip for the past decade and a half.
I've always lived by the philosophy of "You're better than most people." There really wasn't much reason to dispute it back home. I scored high on tests and schoolwork when people would be fumbling behind. I really didn't have much emotions then, so when something bad happened, I didn't get defensive and angry about it, but took it in stride. It was like, "Hey, why're you acting like other people? Stop it. It's stupid."
So for the longest time, I'm running high. College applications roll by, and I get accepted by some, rejected by some others. Whatever, no biggie. It's expected to be denied by Brown and Penn and places like that. I will admit that it did aggravate me that some of my peers got in who, I personally felt, was better than. But again, I take it in stride. My parents have told me time and time, "Be humble. Accept what you're given."
That humbleness in itself is almost like a smug sense of superiority. You know that you could could be gloating about everything you're good at, but you have more common sense than anyone else not to. It was this air that I had, to hide behind this feeling and nearly seclude myself from the rest of the world.
Flash forward to now...and I just notice today that I am far from exceptional. I understand today why those colleges rejected me: I really was a snot-nosed brat who walked around with a swagger in my step. To think I was the absolute pinnacle of Plainview was fine, but to then assume the same for all the soon-to-be collegiate freshmen, was pure ludicrous.
I don't actively engage in conversations with people. They talk about issues concerning public affairs, modern science, etc...just things that I don't keep track of. I may have garnered this knowledge of trivia...but that's all it is. Trivial. I have no real world application.
So someone...please tell me. Am I being overly hard on myself? Or am I right to believe that I need to be cut down many many notches. Please respond...I really need to know what to make of myself. Am I just a needy attention whore, or...well...I dunno. You make the decision. The point is, I want comments.
I'm really thankful that Theta Chi is having that depression seminar thing tomorrow. I think I could use some information on what to do if I'm just feeling overwhelmingly sad, because it's been like this, on and off again, for the past couple of weeks.
mm.
But rather than get angry about it and demand more attention, I started thinking to myself. Why should they give me more attention? I can clamor all I want for it, but in reality, I honestly don't bring anything to the table. I've finally realized that I've been running on a gigantic ego trip for the past decade and a half.
I've always lived by the philosophy of "You're better than most people." There really wasn't much reason to dispute it back home. I scored high on tests and schoolwork when people would be fumbling behind. I really didn't have much emotions then, so when something bad happened, I didn't get defensive and angry about it, but took it in stride. It was like, "Hey, why're you acting like other people? Stop it. It's stupid."
So for the longest time, I'm running high. College applications roll by, and I get accepted by some, rejected by some others. Whatever, no biggie. It's expected to be denied by Brown and Penn and places like that. I will admit that it did aggravate me that some of my peers got in who, I personally felt, was better than. But again, I take it in stride. My parents have told me time and time, "Be humble. Accept what you're given."
That humbleness in itself is almost like a smug sense of superiority. You know that you could could be gloating about everything you're good at, but you have more common sense than anyone else not to. It was this air that I had, to hide behind this feeling and nearly seclude myself from the rest of the world.
Flash forward to now...and I just notice today that I am far from exceptional. I understand today why those colleges rejected me: I really was a snot-nosed brat who walked around with a swagger in my step. To think I was the absolute pinnacle of Plainview was fine, but to then assume the same for all the soon-to-be collegiate freshmen, was pure ludicrous.
I don't actively engage in conversations with people. They talk about issues concerning public affairs, modern science, etc...just things that I don't keep track of. I may have garnered this knowledge of trivia...but that's all it is. Trivial. I have no real world application.
So someone...please tell me. Am I being overly hard on myself? Or am I right to believe that I need to be cut down many many notches. Please respond...I really need to know what to make of myself. Am I just a needy attention whore, or...well...I dunno. You make the decision. The point is, I want comments.
I'm really thankful that Theta Chi is having that depression seminar thing tomorrow. I think I could use some information on what to do if I'm just feeling overwhelmingly sad, because it's been like this, on and off again, for the past couple of weeks.
mm.