Jan 06, 2004 14:35
Stanley told me that every time someone updates, his task bar starts lighting up, constantly blinking every three seconds. It just kinda reminded me that I really needed to update, kinda like that little blinking light was going off in my head, "JON! GO UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!" I've kinda just been putting it off until awhile because I always get distracted by so many other things. But just all the overwhelming news and conversations I've had, in addition to being mind-numbingly bored, kinda put this entry together.
So here goes. Jon's little recounting of his first real vacation away from college, and not just some dinky little four days away for a meal or two. It's my first winter break.
There hasn't been one day where I willingly got up before noon. My sleep schedule is now permanently centered around sleeping at 4:00 and waking at 2:00. Today is no exception; I set my alarm clock for noontime and snoozed until about 15 minutes later. The point is, my circadian rhythms are all out of whack, and I need some sort of bonk to the head to get myself back on track.
I've hung out with everyone I wanted to at least once, though I wish I could do it more often. Sunny is now gone, so I have to take his place as being the hyperactive annoying one. It's seperation anxiety displacement or some psychobabble like that. You can tell I've gone through a Psych 101 course when I start inadvertantly blaming my behavior on some sort of defense mechanism.
So since he's left, I've either been manically happy running around the house, practicing violin or tinkering on the piano (very slowly might I add), or just lounging at the computer but still bouncing up and down repeatedly in my rollywheely chair, anxiously looking for new IMs (what a run-on).
In terms of the Christmas presents, I made out very well. A digital camera, a new CD player, a couple of cookbooks (aimed for the college student), and various clothes. Most important though, is my new hat. I love this hat, even though it came free with the jacket, which I haven't worn once. Normally, I scoff at people with hats, but there's something different about a skull cap. It's like you get some sort of indie credibility with it, or you're one-fifth of the way of completing the ghettofab outfit. But it's good...I like it a lot.
With the digital camera, I've been taking many random pictures of people. Ultimately, I wanted to make a quiz with these pictures and photoshop them with other things and what not, but I stopped. Photoshop is good and fun, but it's just frustrating to compile a bunch of things. You know?
New Years was fun. Again, we kept tradition by bumming over John's house, me eating a good majority of his chips, and binging on video games, getting there JUST in time for the ball drop, and then South Park. I notice that there is a discrepancy between the countdown clocks on a couple of the big stations (ABC, NBC, FOX), and I had to yell at the TV stations to all agree on one thing because one of them will look rather silly when the ball drops two seconds too early or too late.
So...that about wraps up what I'm about to say in terms of events. Now comes the heart of the matter: what's been going on in my mind? Why the need to update? Well, it basically boils down to this. After thorough self analysis (or as thorough as my psych 101 memory can be), I notice now that everything I do revolves around two things: acceptance and love.
I was going through a picture CD that my sister made. In it were all these family photos from my parents and sister's trip to Taiwan. The majority of these photos were ones from my grandfather's 100th birthday. That's like...wow. 100. It boggles my mind. They rented out this auditorium place to celebrate. My grandfather was giving out scholarship money to future engineers. I don't know if he's some respected person in Taiwan, but he was giving them out personally, instead of having some school official say "Congratulations soandso, you received the Zhang Sheng Fu Scholarship!"
Many of my cousins were also at the celebration. So I wonder, do my grandparents really remember who I am? I think I'm indistinguishable because...I've never talked to them. There's always been the language barrier. So even though I stayed with them in Tainan for a couple of days, I didn't say a word to them. I just read or walked around the house. I never talked to them, and I'm not sure if they made any effort to talk to me.
It wasn't just the picture CD that got me thinking like this. Recently, a couple of people have died...they were probably both younger than my grandfather. In all honesty, I don't have a clue to how much longer he has to live. I'm sure I've recounted this story one time or another in my livejournal, but I'll say it again for the record. When there was a Friendly's in Plainview, my family always went there at least once a week (for the kids specials). On one certain dinner, I had this vision of granddad dying. It was just so unbelievably vivid that I was convinced it was true and I broke down in tears.
This was 12 years ago.
So yeah. I'm hoping to see them this summer. If not that, then at least writing them some sort of letter. Ideally, I'd like to perform something for all four of them. I know that there's a piano in the resting home where my mom's parents live in Taipei. A big foyer in addition...I would love it if I could have Amy play background while I do one of the 83290513 violin concerto's I'm trying to start up. It'd just be awesome. That's what I want to do...yeah...
So that's acceptance and love, right? I want them to be proud of me, to love me, to distinguish me from their other grandchildren. I guess also...maybe that's why I want to achieve worldwide fame for something. I feel the need to prove myself to strangers...I'm very HIGHLY suceptible to people's opinions of me. My mind is constantly thinking about the impression I give to people. "Do I seem pompous? Do I seem clingy? Do they not like me now?" etc etc.
So yeah...that's the end of that. Really. I'm mentally exhausted now. Thanks for putting up with my bibble.