Six ; HP/DM
Title: Six
Author:
thevignette
Summary: Sometimes, there are somethings that you know you will lose eventually. And there's nothing you can do. Harry/Draco.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
1.
I’m going to lose you, I think and I know that, it’s as clear as day, and I’m certain of it the way I’m sure the sun will rise tomorrow. I’m going to lose you, I think again, just so I can get used to this thought, because if it happens without me being ready, I might just fall apart, and I don’t want that.
Right now, I trace lazy circles on the back of your hand, and I think that I am content- an impossibility but you’re here, and everything is possible like this. The question teeters dangerously at the edge of my lips- bitten raw- and I almost speak- Am I going to lose you? When? Today? Tomorrow?
Those thoughts cut through me like a dagger, shaking the very ground I thought was solid and for the first time, I picture life without you, something I know someday I will have to face, maybe soon, maybe even tomorrow.
I want to know what I’m losing you to as with every second that passes I am forced to watch you fade slightly, drifting further from me, something that makes me ache, from deep within. I want to ask you, ask you what I’m losing you to but a smile splits your face when you look down at me and every coherent though leaves my mind. Somehow, your smile is the only thing that matters, and I wonder if someone else shares that sentiment.
2.
The day you leave me would be a rainy day, I decide, as I curl in bed, eyes blinded in the blanket of stifling darkness. You spoon me from behind, arms wrapped around me as though you would never even think of letting go and I pray. I pray that we could stay like this forever, but I still know I will lose you.
I hate rain and I will hate the day I lose you, so it seems to fit in the equation. The night is plunging deeper and I still cannot fall asleep, insomnia merciless as it rages through me. I do not move, staying still as I am alert in my wakefulness, not wanting to wake you in any movement, difficult and painful, but then again, is there anything I won’t do for you?
You stir, purring like a contented cat and shift behind me, fitting our bodies neatly together, a puzzle falling in place and I am seized by a feeling of emptiness when I imagine myself without you.
I close my eyes against that mental image and I think- if I lose you, who would chase these demons away? Who would hold me through the aftermath of my nightmares?
In your sleep, you are beautiful, perfect, and everything I could ever want, but you see, I’m all too clear with the fact that we don’t always get the things we want. I fall asleep to your cadence of your heartbeat, trying to preserve this moment, when you haven’t left me yet.
3.
The day I realise who I’m going to lose you to hits me hard. I watch, my body going soft as I collapse against the stonewall as you lean down to press a greeting kiss to her face, and she turns towards you, a smile as bright as the afternoon sun gracing her face.
I’m going to lose you to her.
That thought chokes me, my chest knitting so tightly so I cannot breathe and it takes what seems like an hour to force a breath in. My fingers curl into fists and I swallow furiously, trying to make my heartbeat return to normal. You brush a lock of hair from her face, smiling and your hands settle on the small of her back, and I wish that I could have all of you, selfish, but since when have I been anything but selfish when it comes to you?
Marriage, when it comes to you and me, is out of the question, something we never dared to dream about, not even when we’re drunk or delirious. Marriage, thought, when it comes to you and her, has been everything everyone expects; perfect, they say, a perfect match. I watch the two of you lean against each other and the envy that rides on your shoulder as people turn their gazes to you. They are envious, they are envious of the both of you- you are a perfect match.
A perfect match, I think to myself and just like that, my throat swells shut.
4.
When I muster up my courage to ask you the burning question you look at me like you never have before, coals burning in your eyes.
When am I going to lose you? I ask, looking up, holding on to that single thread of sanity. I’m more afraid than I have ever been, not wanting to hear that answer.
Not in this lifetime and not in the next, not if I have a say about it, you answer but you’re lying, you see, and I can tell. I can always tell. Maybe that isn’t such a good thing after all, I realise when my heart starts to ache.
Then when are you going to leave me? The other question, the one I think can hurt almost as much as the first, cutting a neat line through my heart.
Why are you asking me this? You demand, your hands coming to frame my face, looking into my eyes and I see my own doubt, fear and uncertainty mirrored in your own.
I’m asking you this, I reply, my voice steady, because I need to know, because I need to be prepared.
You’re silent, you don’t reply and I tilt your chin up, forcing you to look back into my eyes, and I see the tears that threaten to fall as you try to convince me of something you aren’t even sure of, without using words.
I take a deep breath and try again, when, I say, the word exiting me in a breath of air and it’s only now that I realise I’m shaking, shuddering, shivering in something aside from the cold, am I going to lose you?
And then I let the tears take me.
5.
I went to your wedding. It was beautiful, a white wedding anyone could possibly ask for and she wore an elaborate dress robes that looked like a dream on her. The decorations were tasteful, probably not your choice because your taste is absolutely abysmal when it comes to stuff like that, but I love you all the same.
I tell you that I love you before the wedding starts, the first time I’ve been willing to admit it and you fall into my arms, choking on your tears and you say I’m sorry, oh God, I’m sorry. It doesn’t stop me from noticing you can’t bring yourself to say the words back- I love you, the same words you said so easily before, words you can never say now and after this.
I say it for you. I love you, I repeat, for you, because I’ve always wanted to help you do something you couldn’t do and this, it turns out, is it because you press a last kiss to my cheek before you walk out of reach, away.
I watch you pull her into your arms, a smile lighting your face and the people beside me sigh and swoon. They don’t notice me; they never do and never want to. Those who notice probably wonder why I’m even here. I ignore the stares and the curious glances, and for the first time, I really look at her, the one I’ve lost you to. I am shocked to see my own doubt wavering in her eyes and I see the same words hanging on the edge of her lips, I’m going to lose you.
Your eyes are oddly vacant as you smile, and somehow, I understand that even though you have so much, you’re still missing everything.
6.
I get all the answers I’ve wanted and more when you turn up at my doorstep five days after you return from your honeymoon, when I’m withdrawn and suffering the symptoms of not being with you for two weeks.
You haven’t lost me.
Has she? And you hesitate, unsure and I am about to shut the door in your face, when you take me in your arms and make me yours, again. It’s only when I recover from satiated happiness that I realise I’ve always been yours, all along, even when you’ve left me. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
You assure me in all the ways you can think of that I haven’t lost you and I watch as you put your love into words, pleading, begging and I know I’ve already lost you but all the same I take you back, because I know this is what I’m going to do for the rest of this life- take you back when you ask and let you go when you want me to.
It’s going to be the only thing I know how to do.
When you leave me later in the evening, you leave me a promise. I’m going to come back for you.
I don’t dare to ask when to a promise that you can’t keep because I know that the higher your hopes, the harder you fall and I’ve already fallen hard enough once, for you, I can’t survive another fall.
When you return a week later, asking me to take you back, I do, like I promised myself, and hours later, I let you go, when she needs you. I look for a sign of regret in your eyes when you walk out the door, and I can’t find it.
-finis-
Comments are always very appreciated (:
Also I'd just like to say I have another one-shot (Harry/Draco, of course) coming soon. Once it's beta-ed, I'll have it up, so watch out for it!
Author:
thevignette
Summary: Sometimes, there are somethings that you know you will lose eventually. And there's nothing you can do. Harry/Draco.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
1.
I’m going to lose you, I think and I know that, it’s as clear as day, and I’m certain of it the way I’m sure the sun will rise tomorrow. I’m going to lose you, I think again, just so I can get used to this thought, because if it happens without me being ready, I might just fall apart, and I don’t want that.
Right now, I trace lazy circles on the back of your hand, and I think that I am content- an impossibility but you’re here, and everything is possible like this. The question teeters dangerously at the edge of my lips- bitten raw- and I almost speak- Am I going to lose you? When? Today? Tomorrow?
Those thoughts cut through me like a dagger, shaking the very ground I thought was solid and for the first time, I picture life without you, something I know someday I will have to face, maybe soon, maybe even tomorrow.
I want to know what I’m losing you to as with every second that passes I am forced to watch you fade slightly, drifting further from me, something that makes me ache, from deep within. I want to ask you, ask you what I’m losing you to but a smile splits your face when you look down at me and every coherent though leaves my mind. Somehow, your smile is the only thing that matters, and I wonder if someone else shares that sentiment.
2.
The day you leave me would be a rainy day, I decide, as I curl in bed, eyes blinded in the blanket of stifling darkness. You spoon me from behind, arms wrapped around me as though you would never even think of letting go and I pray. I pray that we could stay like this forever, but I still know I will lose you.
I hate rain and I will hate the day I lose you, so it seems to fit in the equation. The night is plunging deeper and I still cannot fall asleep, insomnia merciless as it rages through me. I do not move, staying still as I am alert in my wakefulness, not wanting to wake you in any movement, difficult and painful, but then again, is there anything I won’t do for you?
You stir, purring like a contented cat and shift behind me, fitting our bodies neatly together, a puzzle falling in place and I am seized by a feeling of emptiness when I imagine myself without you.
I close my eyes against that mental image and I think- if I lose you, who would chase these demons away? Who would hold me through the aftermath of my nightmares?
In your sleep, you are beautiful, perfect, and everything I could ever want, but you see, I’m all too clear with the fact that we don’t always get the things we want. I fall asleep to your cadence of your heartbeat, trying to preserve this moment, when you haven’t left me yet.
3.
The day I realise who I’m going to lose you to hits me hard. I watch, my body going soft as I collapse against the stonewall as you lean down to press a greeting kiss to her face, and she turns towards you, a smile as bright as the afternoon sun gracing her face.
I’m going to lose you to her.
That thought chokes me, my chest knitting so tightly so I cannot breathe and it takes what seems like an hour to force a breath in. My fingers curl into fists and I swallow furiously, trying to make my heartbeat return to normal. You brush a lock of hair from her face, smiling and your hands settle on the small of her back, and I wish that I could have all of you, selfish, but since when have I been anything but selfish when it comes to you?
Marriage, when it comes to you and me, is out of the question, something we never dared to dream about, not even when we’re drunk or delirious. Marriage, thought, when it comes to you and her, has been everything everyone expects; perfect, they say, a perfect match. I watch the two of you lean against each other and the envy that rides on your shoulder as people turn their gazes to you. They are envious, they are envious of the both of you- you are a perfect match.
A perfect match, I think to myself and just like that, my throat swells shut.
4.
When I muster up my courage to ask you the burning question you look at me like you never have before, coals burning in your eyes.
When am I going to lose you? I ask, looking up, holding on to that single thread of sanity. I’m more afraid than I have ever been, not wanting to hear that answer.
Not in this lifetime and not in the next, not if I have a say about it, you answer but you’re lying, you see, and I can tell. I can always tell. Maybe that isn’t such a good thing after all, I realise when my heart starts to ache.
Then when are you going to leave me? The other question, the one I think can hurt almost as much as the first, cutting a neat line through my heart.
Why are you asking me this? You demand, your hands coming to frame my face, looking into my eyes and I see my own doubt, fear and uncertainty mirrored in your own.
I’m asking you this, I reply, my voice steady, because I need to know, because I need to be prepared.
You’re silent, you don’t reply and I tilt your chin up, forcing you to look back into my eyes, and I see the tears that threaten to fall as you try to convince me of something you aren’t even sure of, without using words.
I take a deep breath and try again, when, I say, the word exiting me in a breath of air and it’s only now that I realise I’m shaking, shuddering, shivering in something aside from the cold, am I going to lose you?
And then I let the tears take me.
5.
I went to your wedding. It was beautiful, a white wedding anyone could possibly ask for and she wore an elaborate dress robes that looked like a dream on her. The decorations were tasteful, probably not your choice because your taste is absolutely abysmal when it comes to stuff like that, but I love you all the same.
I tell you that I love you before the wedding starts, the first time I’ve been willing to admit it and you fall into my arms, choking on your tears and you say I’m sorry, oh God, I’m sorry. It doesn’t stop me from noticing you can’t bring yourself to say the words back- I love you, the same words you said so easily before, words you can never say now and after this.
I say it for you. I love you, I repeat, for you, because I’ve always wanted to help you do something you couldn’t do and this, it turns out, is it because you press a last kiss to my cheek before you walk out of reach, away.
I watch you pull her into your arms, a smile lighting your face and the people beside me sigh and swoon. They don’t notice me; they never do and never want to. Those who notice probably wonder why I’m even here. I ignore the stares and the curious glances, and for the first time, I really look at her, the one I’ve lost you to. I am shocked to see my own doubt wavering in her eyes and I see the same words hanging on the edge of her lips, I’m going to lose you.
Your eyes are oddly vacant as you smile, and somehow, I understand that even though you have so much, you’re still missing everything.
6.
I get all the answers I’ve wanted and more when you turn up at my doorstep five days after you return from your honeymoon, when I’m withdrawn and suffering the symptoms of not being with you for two weeks.
You haven’t lost me.
Has she? And you hesitate, unsure and I am about to shut the door in your face, when you take me in your arms and make me yours, again. It’s only when I recover from satiated happiness that I realise I’ve always been yours, all along, even when you’ve left me. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
You assure me in all the ways you can think of that I haven’t lost you and I watch as you put your love into words, pleading, begging and I know I’ve already lost you but all the same I take you back, because I know this is what I’m going to do for the rest of this life- take you back when you ask and let you go when you want me to.
It’s going to be the only thing I know how to do.
When you leave me later in the evening, you leave me a promise. I’m going to come back for you.
I don’t dare to ask when to a promise that you can’t keep because I know that the higher your hopes, the harder you fall and I’ve already fallen hard enough once, for you, I can’t survive another fall.
When you return a week later, asking me to take you back, I do, like I promised myself, and hours later, I let you go, when she needs you. I look for a sign of regret in your eyes when you walk out the door, and I can’t find it.
-finis-
Comments are always very appreciated (:
Also I'd just like to say I have another one-shot (Harry/Draco, of course) coming soon. Once it's beta-ed, I'll have it up, so watch out for it!