THE LOCH NESS HORROR (1981) * ½
Larry Buchanan split his time making historical exploitation biopics and cheap monster movies. I’ve sat through enough of each of them to know that despite his lack of talent, the biopics are usually a lot more fun because there is a passion and drive behind them. Movies like Buchanan’s Zontar: The Thing from Venus and The Loch Ness Horror are harmless B monster flicks that are for the most part, indifferently assembled and lacking the charm of his so-called historical epics.
An American scientist (Buchanan’s son, Barry) goes to Loch Ness to study Nessie alongside a famed scientist (Doc Livingston) and falls in love with his feisty granddaughter (Miki McKenzie). Meanwhile, a rival scientist (Stuart Lancaster from Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!) is also looking for Nessie. After his two assistants get eaten by the monster, he finds its egg and tries to skip town with it. Naturally, Nessie comes after him.
The Loch Ness Horror might be the closest to a real movie Buchanan ever made. Too bad it sucks. The monster is awful, but entertaining. Whenever she eats someone, they have to help her by sticking their head into its mouth. Although the monster might’ve looked good if it was kept in the shadows, the cinematography is so bright that it accentuates every flaw. I mean how can a monster be menacing when it’s got a perpetual smile on its face? Once Nessie goes on land, it looks even funnier.
Actually, the first few minutes of this are pretty atmospheric. The underwater photography of the divers swimming around Loch Ness is excellent. Once you see Nessie, all hopes for a genuinely scary picture are dashed.
Whenever Nessie is front and center, The Loch Ness Horror is bearable because the monster is so hokey. When the characters take center stage, the movie hits a brick wall. The ineffectual hero and irritating supporting characters with overdone Scottish brogues get on your nerves awful quick. Buchanan’s pacing is sluggish as it is, but then he introduces too many subplots that further bog things down. (Did we really need the subplot about the British soldiers looking for a downed Nazi plane?) If Nessie’s body count wasn’t so slim and she was given an opportunity to chomp down on a half dozen or so more tourists, I might’ve been more forgiving. As it is, there’s too much boring human drama and not enough stupid-looking monster mashing for my tastes.
AKA: Nessie.