THE ABCS OF DEATH (2012) ** ½
The ABCs of Death is an ambitious, yet flawed anthology horror film that is undone by its own unwieldy premise. 27 different directors were hired to helm 26 short (about five minutes long) horror vignettes, each starting with a different letter. To say that the results are “uneven” is a gross understatement. But to call the movie “gross” is a gross understatement as it features some nauseating moments of gore and general unpleasantness. The film contains several low points (the hit-to-miss ratio is about 1 to 2), but the high points are quite memorable. So if you’re willing to sit through a LOT of crappy moments to get to some truly gonzo horror filmmaking, then it’ll be worth it.
A is for Apocalypse (**), directed by Nacho Vigalondo, features a woman trying desperately to kill her husband before the upcoming apocalypse. Despite the good gore effects, this segment’s long set-up doesn’t justify the weak punchline. In fact, a lot of the bad segments in the film feel like poorly told jokes, but with blood and guts substituted for humor.
B is for Bigfoot (**) is very similar. It’s a (decent) set-up marred by a weak punchline. Oh, and don’t expect to see Bigfoot, or you’ll be even more disappointed.
C is for Cycle (*) plays like a bad student film. A guy is having a dream where he follows himself into a worm hole in his back yard. This segment doesn’t go anywhere and suffers from a crummy payoff.
D is for Dogfight (* ½) feels like an overlong commercial for an energy drink. It contains lots of slow motion and flashy camerawork, but the premise (guy is boxing a dog in an underground fighting tournament) is a real head-scratcher. Plus, the twist ending is more of a “Huh?” than anything.
E is for Exterminate (**) was directed by actress Angela (May) Bettis and it has the benefit of a solid plot. A guy kills a pesky spider, unaware that it has laid its eggs under his skin. The final reveal is OK, but the overall execution of this sequence feels like a bad Night Flight short.
F is for Fart (****) is the reason to see the movie. I had to rewind it and watch it twice. It’s some of the most insane piece of filmmaking I’ve seen in some time. It was directed by Noboru Iguchi, the man who made Robo Geisha. And just let me say, if you’ve seen Robo Geisha, this segment is about ten times nuttier than that flick.
G is for Gravity (NO STARS). The less said about this one, the better.
H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion (****) gets things back on track. Imagine if Jess Franco directed a live-action Tex Avery cartoon and that should give you an ideal of the level of insanity this segment has to offer. I don’t want to spoil anything for you, but this scene contains the sexiest Nazi fox (and I mean that quite literally) I’ve ever seen.
I is for Ingrown (**) is too short for its own good. It’s all about a husband killing his wife in the bathtub. There’s not much more to it than that.
J is for Jidai-Genki (Samurai Movie) (**) is more odd than effective. It’s about a samurai who is supposed to behead this guy, but he keeps making all these weird faces, which distracts him. Some of the make-up effects are kinda cool, but like a lot of these sequences, it’s a long way to go for a skimpy payoff.
K is for Klutz (**) is an animated tale about a woman trying to flush a turd, and its vengeful quest to return to her anus. Despite its absurd premise, this segment never quite works. Still, it’s a lot more tolerable than most of the sequences revolving around something going into (or out of) someone’s butt.
L is for Libido (** ½) is probably the most skin-crawling episode. It’s about a high stakes game where men have to jack off to various disgusting things. If they don’t cum, they’ll be shot in the head. This segment is shocking and disturbing, but it crosses the line (especially the part with the kid) about halfway through and never recovers.
M is for Miscarriage (* ½) isn’t the worst segment, but it’s definitely the most disappointing, since it comes from Ti (House of the Devil) West. It concerns a woman trying to flush something down a toilet. Then we find out it’s a… well… read the title. This is probably also the shortest story in the entire film, something I guess we should all be grateful for.
N is for Nuptials (***) is the clearest example that these segments are basically just jokes with a set-up and punchline. It involves a guy teaching his parrot to propose to his girlfriend. Of course, the parrot gives her a bit too much information. This is a lightweight and funny episode, and I wish more of the filmmakers went for this sort of tone.
O is for Orgasm (**) is a bunch of artsy-fartsy nonsense.
P is for Pressure (***) is told is a unique and fresh way. It follows a woman’s desperate journey to do anything she can to buy her daughter a bike for her birthday. The story is told in brief, five or ten second shots and the tale advances at a rapid-fire pace. The end is pretty sick, but I can’t help but dig the panache in which the story was told.
Q is for Quack (*** ½) comes from director Adam (You’re Next) Wingard. It involves Wingard and producer Simon Barrett sitting around and trying to think up an idea for their segment. Eventually, they decide to shoot a duck on camera, which leads to expectedly hilarious results. This story is just the right length and doesn’t wear out its welcome.
R is for Removed (**) is just a bunch of weirdness for weirdness’ sake. A guy is in some hospital where the doctors remove his skin and turn it into camera negatives. Then he escapes and kills a bunch of people. There are some good gory moments here, but overall, this is more of a “Huh?” kind of episode.
S is for Speed (***) was directed by Jake (Razor Blade Smile) West, and it’s one of the most fun segments. It has kind of like a Mad Max feel to it as two sexy babes try to outrun death through a desert wasteland. The twist at the end doesn’t work, but otherwise, this is a pretty cool sequence.
T is for Toilet (**) is another animated episode revolving around a toilet. Sigh.
U is for Unearthed (** ½) is told exclusively using first person camerawork. It’s about a bunch of vampire hunters trying to stake a bloodsucker. There’s nothing really exceptional here, but it’s a helluva lot better than most of the other segments.
V is for Vagitus (****) has an awesome Judge Dredd feel to it. It’s about a female cop (paired with a big ass robot) cracking down on a couple who have made a baby (which is illegal in “New Vancouver” in the year 2039). If any segment deserved its own full-length spin-off, it’s this one. If not, can we at least get Kaare Andrews to direct the next Judge Dredd and/or Robocop movie… please?
W is for WTF (**) is another “making of a segment” segment. It features some pretty cool animation, but it goes off the rails quickly and never recovers. At least it lives up to its title.
X is for XXL (***) is directed by Xavier (Hitman) Gens. It’s about a fat woman who carves off all her skin to lose weight. This segment is obvious, but the gore is excellent and the final reveal is pretty awesome.
Y is for Youngbuck (* ½) is the second biggest disappointment in the bunch. Again, that’s because it features a great filmmaker like Jason (Hobo with a Shotgun) Eisner dropping the ball. It’s all about a child-molesting janitor getting his comeuppance. It’s generally unpleasant and the final scene doesn’t work at all.
Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction) (** ½) ends things on a bizarre note. The inspiration was obviously Dr. Strangelove, but none of it quite clicks. It’s certainly much better than most of the other segments though.
Sure, there are some fairly awful sequences here, but there are a few moments that almost make the whole thing worthwhile. I can’t quite recommend the flick as a whole, because it’s just way too uneven. But because the “F”, “H”, and “V” stories are so good, I can at least give The ABCs of Death a marginal recommendation.