(no subject)
My life has changed so much in the past few years.
I went from waitressing and having a boyfriend and fun vacations and friends to being a mom and a housewife.
In real time, I'm watching my husband's Tesla from the shared app on my phone as he drives downtown at nine thirty in the morning. Where is he going? Why am i looking at this? As the house wife, I'm always at home. He - he could be anywhere.
I got him a small e bike for his birthday, for fun. Yesterday he took it to go get his hair cut and when he called me after, he was already at the brewery. It only then occurred to me how enabling it was of me to give him the bike. Eye roll, I'm an idiot.
So I took our daughter and we went and met him for pizza and San Pellegrino while he had 3 tall unfiltered wheats. We socialized, I tried to have fun. I'm eight months pregnant, and so it's hard for me right now. It's great to have an excuse not to drink, because someone has to take care of our kids after all. The anxiety makes me miss wine and it makes me angry - that i can't look forward to that relaxation because he is always drinking too much and like I said, someone has to take care of the kids. I mean one of them is literally a part of me right now, so I carry that responsibility independently.
It just makes me miss being younger and more free. I had it really good for awhile. I know that i'm living the result of my goals, attained the marriage and the house and the children and it is all very wonderful, very fulfilling. But sometimes it just feels like everything happened so fast. I don't have fun like I used to and thats just the reality for me. I've changed. My life has changed.