Sleeping by myself and wondering.....
The little things you do to me are taking me over, I wanna show you
Everything inside of me like a nervous heart that is crazy beating
My feet are stuck here against the pavement
I wanna break free, I wanna make it
Closer to your eyes, get your attention before you pass me by
And every time you notice me by holding me closely and saying sweet things
I don't believe that it could be you speaking your mind and saying the real thing
My feet have broke free and I am leaving
I'm not gonna stand here, feeling lonely
I wont forget you and I won't think this was just a waste of time
I always went in circles when I dwelled in my thoughts, but this time it's hit me. I have been thinking and something that never dawned upon me, has now. I got it, I know now. Certainly a worthy revelation. Some things I've always known, but some are new and everything just makes better sense now. That relation I made to someone I've known for years cannot be more true. This one character I've met in different forms of females and now in a male. Now, all I can hope for is that I stay this sane and sensible for a long time coming, possibly till Christmas.
Revelation Number 1: We don't have proper conversations. Never had and at this rate, probably never will. Our longest conversations are ones that involves us arguing over who hurt who. It's like this competition where we just hurt each other. That makes me no different than the people I detest. Everything that comes out of my mouth is an attempt to put you down through means of sarcasm for my sense of gratification. And I am done, so done. I am nice to people I like. I am nice to people who deserve to be treated nicely. I am nice to people who treat me nicely. And I think at one point or another you fell into either of these categories. But I failed to keep to my end of the bargain, which probably led to you thinking of the negativities of us. I don't know. But you're not that person I want to talk to. You don't ever ask me about me. Its always about us, god forebid us and our misunderstandings! Its not like we are or were a couple even. We don't ever tell each other what's going on with our lives, never in depth anyway. That just ridicules the entire friendship.
Revelation Number 2: We have nothing in common. Nothing. We lead entirely different lifestyles and we're from entirely differently worlds. We don't even try to be part of each other's worlds. We don't want to have anything to do with the other's lifestyle. Its like we don't care or something. Opposites attract at some point of mutual understanding. There's that common ground there, which I believe we don't have. Probably why we don't have proper conversations. I feel like I'm some sorta alien around you. I am normally used to being the wierd one around, which I have no difficulty dealing with. But to be alien is like the highest possible degree. No efforts made to make me feel better there. Expectations have proven to be a bitch! Its just after all this time, I thought I'd find something, instead I found nothing. I actually discovered nothing. Bingo!
Revelation Number 3: Okay this is not so much of a revelation because it's always been a thought and I still stand by it. Embarrassed much, aren't you? I am not angry. It's not okay but it'd be great if it can be dealt with. I don't feel embarrassed as much as I behave to be. I am not embarrassed at all. After several attempts at rejecting the idea of us, I learnt to embrace it somewhere along the way. I get it, I'm a little different, very different in fact and I can't do anything about my heritage or monetary worths. My life isn't anything like yours or your friends'. I study, work, stay home, watch tv and bake. I am the way I am. Take it or leave it. The least you could do is to stop swinging between the options. The former would have to come with making clear changes to the earlier revelations and the latter won't be much of a problem because after all that we've been through, its not like we've made any progress anyway.
I am not angry. I don't know why. I usually am but this time it feels different. I feel a sense of renewal, a little stronger, a little progressive on my own. A little upset mostly because all of that didn't amount to anything. But its not all just waste because its altered me and I've grown. Not that I don't regret my actions and choices because if I could turn back time, there are so many things I would go about differently. You don't have to make it up to me. You don't have to apologise even. I just need you to understand. If this is me finally, really moving on, or even anywhere close to getting over this phase, thank you!