George Carlin: when will jesus bring the porkchops?

[thevanisme]

I'm a modern man,
digital and smoke-free.
a man of the millenium.

A diversifies, multi-cultural,
post-modern deconstructionist.
politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded,
I've been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech low life,
A cutting-egde, state of the art,
bi-coastal multi-tasker.
and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new-wave, but I'm old school;
and my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer;
voice-activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace,
so I'm interactive,I'm hyperactive,
and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve
ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet,
pushin' the envelope.

I'm on point, on task, on message,
and off drugs.

I've got no need for coke and speed,
I've got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment, on the edge,
Over the top, under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile,
medium-range, ballistic missionary

A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun freedom-fighter.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies.
I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally on-going, big-foot, slam dunk,
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, and working rageaholic,
out of rehab and in denial.

I've got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
a personal assistant,
and a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up,
you can't dumb me down.

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha-male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer,
an over-achiever,
Laid-back and fashion-forward.
Up-front, down-home;
low-rent, high-maintenance.

I'm super-sized, long-lasting,
high-definition, fast-acting,
oven-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk headcase
prematurely post traumatic,
and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,
I'm healing, I'm sharing,
A supportive, bonding, nurturing,
primary care-giver.

My output is down, but my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I'm gender-specific,capital-intensive,
user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex, I like tough love.
I use the f-word in my email.
And the software on my hard drive
is hard-core--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall,
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store,
I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically proven,
scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,
post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped,
and vacuum packed.

And....I have unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, But I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked, and ready to rock.
rough, tough, and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin',
jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't loose.
I keep the pedal to the medal,
and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunchtime in crunchtime.

I'm hangin in there, there ain't no doubt.
and I'm hangin' tough,
over and out.