what to do what to do
My thoughts are such a mess right now. I figured i would be more sad and depressed and angry about some of the things i learned this weekend , actions of people i thought were friends this year behind my back. But for some reason im not. i geuess after everything else ive been delt, i guess it was kinda to be expected i guess? or maybe I wouldnt of expected anything else? Eitherway, I mean i am hurt, but in a numb what can you do kinda of way. You cant make people like you. You cant make people stop talking shit about you behind your back. Hell im sorta flattered that for a year now people constantly talk shit about me, thats some kinda of fucked up celebrity status. I expected better from these people though. I thought they were above that.
I had desires to get in touch with Bill and Mara because they are the only two out of all the people i formely hung out with that have not really fucked me in anyway, i mean bill owes me 100 bucks but thats small potatoes compared to others, but from what I gleam at least from things Mara says on her LJ that would be an unwelcome gesture and would be met with a big hell no. That is to talking about whatever issues we have, since really, im not aware of what they are, it all kinda happened so fast and was all so trivial. Then seeing if they wanted to be friends again. I have no way of getting a hold of them anyway. I guess they believe the same mantra and bullshit that everyone else does, thats what happens when you hang out with people who believe something, you tend to take on their beliefs, its a well studied principle. Anyway, if you see this, Happy Birthday mara (belated), im serious, i hope you had a happy birthday and being 21 is a good year for you. I have no hard feelings against either of you, if either of you wish to contact me you know how.
So where do I go from here? I guess in the future, when, if I make new friends, before its too late that is (that means nothing to any of you but allison yet, but it will) I have learned that no matter how good of friends they seem, things are not always as they seem. I only hope what ive seen from long time friends doesnt completely inhibit me from being a good friend to new friends out of ome sort of paranoia that they are two faced and manipulative.
On another note, I am torn with wanting to change my morals because of such frustation, almost 3 months now of frustration. But I guess I will learn to live, its just such a horrible thought to think of how long before it can be cured, 1-2 months of finding, 6-9months of togethernesss and development of special dopamine related thing, then finally, thats like a full year in combination with so far, and that really fucking sucks. I would rather be sped towards death, which is entirely a possibility. Another shitty though, death before cured frustration. Not having one more time before i die.
I have a new cell, permenent this time. I got a new Motorola Black Razr phone with Cingular, was suprised i qualified for a plan with no down payment, my number is 360-314-8634. So that should be permenent, its a real cell phone plan. Allison is using my virgin mobile prepaid phone (i bought a 50 dollar top up card the day I got a cell plan! argg) until we fix her phone situation.
I had desires to get in touch with Bill and Mara because they are the only two out of all the people i formely hung out with that have not really fucked me in anyway, i mean bill owes me 100 bucks but thats small potatoes compared to others, but from what I gleam at least from things Mara says on her LJ that would be an unwelcome gesture and would be met with a big hell no. That is to talking about whatever issues we have, since really, im not aware of what they are, it all kinda happened so fast and was all so trivial. Then seeing if they wanted to be friends again. I have no way of getting a hold of them anyway. I guess they believe the same mantra and bullshit that everyone else does, thats what happens when you hang out with people who believe something, you tend to take on their beliefs, its a well studied principle. Anyway, if you see this, Happy Birthday mara (belated), im serious, i hope you had a happy birthday and being 21 is a good year for you. I have no hard feelings against either of you, if either of you wish to contact me you know how.
So where do I go from here? I guess in the future, when, if I make new friends, before its too late that is (that means nothing to any of you but allison yet, but it will) I have learned that no matter how good of friends they seem, things are not always as they seem. I only hope what ive seen from long time friends doesnt completely inhibit me from being a good friend to new friends out of ome sort of paranoia that they are two faced and manipulative.
On another note, I am torn with wanting to change my morals because of such frustation, almost 3 months now of frustration. But I guess I will learn to live, its just such a horrible thought to think of how long before it can be cured, 1-2 months of finding, 6-9months of togethernesss and development of special dopamine related thing, then finally, thats like a full year in combination with so far, and that really fucking sucks. I would rather be sped towards death, which is entirely a possibility. Another shitty though, death before cured frustration. Not having one more time before i die.
I have a new cell, permenent this time. I got a new Motorola Black Razr phone with Cingular, was suprised i qualified for a plan with no down payment, my number is 360-314-8634. So that should be permenent, its a real cell phone plan. Allison is using my virgin mobile prepaid phone (i bought a 50 dollar top up card the day I got a cell plan! argg) until we fix her phone situation.