values
So I'm drinking a lot more than I used to, which is obvious, I'm legally allowed to do that. There are two things that happen when you borderline alcoholism that you don't quite see coming, the first being matters of finance.
I managed to squander roughly three hundred dollars on alcohol and bar food over about three weeks. So now I'm kind of pissed, I wonder if I can at all be happy without some level of substance abuse. I mean I guess it's not terrible because I'm 21 and it's all about experimentation but I just wish I could be twelve again.
The second issue with all of this is that I feel disenfranchised. I used to drink surrounded by friends I knew since highschool and have a great time, and when we didn't drink I still felt great. I think all my thoughts on friendship, love, self, and god have become more and more twisted as time goes on, I'm not even really living anymore. I'm just kind of going through the motions, nothing new happens, I don't look forward to the future, and all I see is crap, sheer crap.
There was a time when I felt like there would always be a recurring theme in my life, laughter, friendship, love, faith, comfort, those kinds of things. These days things are mouch more of a rollercoaster, I feel joy from flippant little meaningless things to distract myself from the fact that I'm slowly deteriorating into a piece of shit. I flirt with a girl and she bats her eyes, takes the compliment and ignores me, I play a videogame for hours to see a number bump up, I put money into my account to blow off my overdraft fees, I listen to music that grows old in a week, I buy fast food to save time then skip school, I make fun of people to make myself feel better, and I drink. When I go to a bar it feels like fucking christmas. I sit down and order from people who are paid to be friendly, I play pool because I want to be able to do one goddamn thing in my life well.
basically I'm angered by the prospect of my entire life being cyclical, everything I do is basic repitition. I'm 21 and haven't had any fucking trace of what I want in my life. I'm not the person I want to be, and sometimes I feel like I try to adapt to my surroundings so much that I don;t even know who I really am anymore. I'd like to think I'm a good person but I'm starting to have severe doubts. I believe in god, and I feel like a hypocrit because I can't follow the simplest of his rules. I'm starting to think pride, greed, wrath, lust, gluttony, envy and sloth are components of my soul instead of byproducts.
here's a prediction, the next year of my life will consist of going to school going to work sleeping reading comic books because I'm too freaking lazy to pick up a real book, eating, shitting, sleeping, listening to music smoking in my car, drinking, smoking while drinking, and bullshitting. bullshitting because I'm starting to feel like every line I fucking say is crap, I don't even take myself seriously anymore. I know I feel emotions and I can express them but I don;t know if it's just instinct or if I am really sad. I plan out the times when I cry, not the exact second or anything, but bit by bit, I just wait, and waste my life, until finally I end up squirting tears out onto a pillow and watching tv guide for like a fucking hour.
I don't even know why I'm writing this down here, it could just be a call for attention, I was never reallly one to write down the events of a day on this shit. it always either has to be personal or all for a good joke. Now however I'm wondering if I should bother clicking the "Post to unlaid" button or not, am I gonna look like a complainy bitch, or am I going to look seriously troubled. Most likely people will see a wall of text and ignore it, cause honestly everyone deals with drama on their own so why would you trudge through mounds of someone elses poor grammar and emotional baggage so you can post a freaking "Oh I'm sorry you feel badly, cheer up" variation. with any luck I've been pushed off everyones friends list over the last year of not posting.
alright then, I'm going to stare into a moniter for the next few hours go to sleep and wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life over the next hour/day/week/month before I settle back into my emotionally detached regularity.
I managed to squander roughly three hundred dollars on alcohol and bar food over about three weeks. So now I'm kind of pissed, I wonder if I can at all be happy without some level of substance abuse. I mean I guess it's not terrible because I'm 21 and it's all about experimentation but I just wish I could be twelve again.
The second issue with all of this is that I feel disenfranchised. I used to drink surrounded by friends I knew since highschool and have a great time, and when we didn't drink I still felt great. I think all my thoughts on friendship, love, self, and god have become more and more twisted as time goes on, I'm not even really living anymore. I'm just kind of going through the motions, nothing new happens, I don't look forward to the future, and all I see is crap, sheer crap.
There was a time when I felt like there would always be a recurring theme in my life, laughter, friendship, love, faith, comfort, those kinds of things. These days things are mouch more of a rollercoaster, I feel joy from flippant little meaningless things to distract myself from the fact that I'm slowly deteriorating into a piece of shit. I flirt with a girl and she bats her eyes, takes the compliment and ignores me, I play a videogame for hours to see a number bump up, I put money into my account to blow off my overdraft fees, I listen to music that grows old in a week, I buy fast food to save time then skip school, I make fun of people to make myself feel better, and I drink. When I go to a bar it feels like fucking christmas. I sit down and order from people who are paid to be friendly, I play pool because I want to be able to do one goddamn thing in my life well.
basically I'm angered by the prospect of my entire life being cyclical, everything I do is basic repitition. I'm 21 and haven't had any fucking trace of what I want in my life. I'm not the person I want to be, and sometimes I feel like I try to adapt to my surroundings so much that I don;t even know who I really am anymore. I'd like to think I'm a good person but I'm starting to have severe doubts. I believe in god, and I feel like a hypocrit because I can't follow the simplest of his rules. I'm starting to think pride, greed, wrath, lust, gluttony, envy and sloth are components of my soul instead of byproducts.
here's a prediction, the next year of my life will consist of going to school going to work sleeping reading comic books because I'm too freaking lazy to pick up a real book, eating, shitting, sleeping, listening to music smoking in my car, drinking, smoking while drinking, and bullshitting. bullshitting because I'm starting to feel like every line I fucking say is crap, I don't even take myself seriously anymore. I know I feel emotions and I can express them but I don;t know if it's just instinct or if I am really sad. I plan out the times when I cry, not the exact second or anything, but bit by bit, I just wait, and waste my life, until finally I end up squirting tears out onto a pillow and watching tv guide for like a fucking hour.
I don't even know why I'm writing this down here, it could just be a call for attention, I was never reallly one to write down the events of a day on this shit. it always either has to be personal or all for a good joke. Now however I'm wondering if I should bother clicking the "Post to unlaid" button or not, am I gonna look like a complainy bitch, or am I going to look seriously troubled. Most likely people will see a wall of text and ignore it, cause honestly everyone deals with drama on their own so why would you trudge through mounds of someone elses poor grammar and emotional baggage so you can post a freaking "Oh I'm sorry you feel badly, cheer up" variation. with any luck I've been pushed off everyones friends list over the last year of not posting.
alright then, I'm going to stare into a moniter for the next few hours go to sleep and wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life over the next hour/day/week/month before I settle back into my emotionally detached regularity.