(no subject)
I just threw up. I can't remember the last time I did, especially when I wasnt sick. I dont think I've ever done that. My eyes are still red and stinging. My stomach feels like its about to explode. Two days of learning, of fun and happiness, of smiles, all down the drain in such a short period of time. Its clear now. It has been for sometime. I dont want to though. With all my heart, Id rather leave it alone. Walk away.
Id rather take a bullet. Or skydive. Well, soon enough 1 down and 1 to go on that count. Im sure the bullet will catch up to me soon enough, somewhere down my career path.
So filled with hate right now, in this moment. Nothing but love all week until now.
I hate you for not telling me that night long ago. Feels like years now doesnt it? You saw what was happening. You knew what was going to happen. You knew exactly what I was doing, and knew how blind I was to the consequences. But you nodded your head, and changed the subject, without ever looking me in the eyes. And all I could do was smile, in my ignorance. I could never really hate you. You were always there for me before. How is it that one time, what mattered most, you werent?
I hate you for not calling me back. I try and try and try and try. All I want is to be a friend. To sit down and talk and be talked to. Really, I am used to it by now. I am the one that calls everyone else. But they, when they see the missed call, have the decency to call me back. If you would have, who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have to do this. Being a friend meant two different things to you and I, I guess. I would have never guessed someone so aware of everything could be so naive. Do you really think you're better than me? Well, doesn't everyone? Its probably true. But remember a beat dog eventually bites its master. Or runs away and finds somewhere to die. I havent found the right spot yet.
I am scared. Moreso than I have ever been in my life. Now it hurts for different reasons. Irony. It comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes. And agendas.
I guess now, I will pray for myself. All I can do. Hope he will send me guidance. And continue to remind me that this is the path. If you pray, continue. He hears it. If you pray for me, dont waste your time. Right now anyway.
Everything is disgusting me right now. I am still nauseated.
Id rather take a bullet. Or skydive. Well, soon enough 1 down and 1 to go on that count. Im sure the bullet will catch up to me soon enough, somewhere down my career path.
So filled with hate right now, in this moment. Nothing but love all week until now.
I hate you for not telling me that night long ago. Feels like years now doesnt it? You saw what was happening. You knew what was going to happen. You knew exactly what I was doing, and knew how blind I was to the consequences. But you nodded your head, and changed the subject, without ever looking me in the eyes. And all I could do was smile, in my ignorance. I could never really hate you. You were always there for me before. How is it that one time, what mattered most, you werent?
I hate you for not calling me back. I try and try and try and try. All I want is to be a friend. To sit down and talk and be talked to. Really, I am used to it by now. I am the one that calls everyone else. But they, when they see the missed call, have the decency to call me back. If you would have, who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have to do this. Being a friend meant two different things to you and I, I guess. I would have never guessed someone so aware of everything could be so naive. Do you really think you're better than me? Well, doesn't everyone? Its probably true. But remember a beat dog eventually bites its master. Or runs away and finds somewhere to die. I havent found the right spot yet.
I am scared. Moreso than I have ever been in my life. Now it hurts for different reasons. Irony. It comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes. And agendas.
I guess now, I will pray for myself. All I can do. Hope he will send me guidance. And continue to remind me that this is the path. If you pray, continue. He hears it. If you pray for me, dont waste your time. Right now anyway.
Everything is disgusting me right now. I am still nauseated.