rose.colored glasses.
i have come to the conclusion that my self.esteem has suffered greatly due to the relationship that i have maintained with david. i have so accustomed myself to putting his [everything] above me, and in the process he has lost sight of my value. i just got finished telling him that i felt that his intelligence and circumstance had enabled him to become apathetic and lack self discipline. everything in his life has come about so easily, which has perpetuated his apathetic outlook, resulting in his current personal crisis for self.actualization. i now realize that i have also contributed, and therefore responsible for facilitating this 'easy come, easy go.' attitude. i have always made myself available, concerning myself with his happiness. all the while, simultaneously unaware of the imbalance of emotional investment.
wait. that is such denial.
even now i struggle as i write this. i have always been completely aware. i guess i was just hoping that my goodwill dedication would some how pay off. shame on me and my foolishness. i could have never imagined. in a million years. that he would come back to me. and say THOSE things. without a careful assessment of what he truly wanted and most importantly, how this would affect me. he always professed about how he had been such a horrible boyfriend. i just assumed he would never want to open something up and potentially hurt me again. i was drawing from my perspective, which is to always take his feelings into the highest of considerations. i twisted my own knife. i have no one to blame. damn my love affair with those glasses.
now i am left with such an imbalance. i crave courteousness and personal attention. i would love to meet an attractive. fun. unattached guy and for him to take an interest in me. just someone who would take me out and be sweet to me. i would love to have a fun casual relationship with a really nice guy. it would be so validating to hear a guy say that he had thought about me. normally, i hate romance, but i think i would enjoy a little right now. nothing movie.ish. just modest, subtle, but above all else, self.affirming. i am a great girl and i just need to meet my attractive. fun. unattached guy so i can have a little fulfillment. making out could be therapy.
wait. that is such denial.
even now i struggle as i write this. i have always been completely aware. i guess i was just hoping that my goodwill dedication would some how pay off. shame on me and my foolishness. i could have never imagined. in a million years. that he would come back to me. and say THOSE things. without a careful assessment of what he truly wanted and most importantly, how this would affect me. he always professed about how he had been such a horrible boyfriend. i just assumed he would never want to open something up and potentially hurt me again. i was drawing from my perspective, which is to always take his feelings into the highest of considerations. i twisted my own knife. i have no one to blame. damn my love affair with those glasses.
now i am left with such an imbalance. i crave courteousness and personal attention. i would love to meet an attractive. fun. unattached guy and for him to take an interest in me. just someone who would take me out and be sweet to me. i would love to have a fun casual relationship with a really nice guy. it would be so validating to hear a guy say that he had thought about me. normally, i hate romance, but i think i would enjoy a little right now. nothing movie.ish. just modest, subtle, but above all else, self.affirming. i am a great girl and i just need to meet my attractive. fun. unattached guy so i can have a little fulfillment. making out could be therapy.