LJ Idol Season 10, Break Week -- Jantelagen
Jazz sank onto the hotel bed beside Devin and closed his eyes, half-burying his face in Devin’s shirt and breathing in his scent. It had been months since they’d seen each other last; months since he’d last had Devin’s arms around him like this. And absolutely nothing about those arms had changed.
“Love you,” he whispered into Devin’s chest, the words barely leaving him in a murmur. He felt Devin’s quiet chuckle; relished in the softness of Devin’s fingers brushing his hair back and away from his eyes.
“Love you, too, cutie,” Devin said, bending forward to press his lips to Jazz’s forehead. “Still can’t believe you’re really here…”
Jazz laughed, wrapped his arms tighter around Devin, and smiled. “You say that every time I come to Cliffton, sweetheart. You might want to start believing it,” he teased, lifting his head so he could meet Devin’s eyes. He traced shapes into Devin’s shirt with his finger, his smile fading as he dropped his gaze. “I’m sorry my trip’s gonna be so short, this time -- Savin’s been having a rough time, you know? I didn’t want to leave him at home by himself for too long...”
“Didn’t have to come at all, y’know,” Devin said, squeezing Jazz. “‘S’been through a lot. I would’ve understood…”
“I know, but --” Jazz shook his head, burying his face in Devin’s chest once again and breathing in deeply -- this time to steady himself. “Savin said he’d never ask me to stay home -- he told me to come here. I’m the Emperor’s Head Councilor -- I can’t exactly ignore my duties, you know? He knows that better than I do...”
He didn’t have to look up to see the slight frown marring Devin’s otherwise perfect features. He didn’t have to look up to see the way Devin’s brows were furrowed; the way his honey-colored eyes had dulled. He instead focused his attention on the rise and fall of Devin’s chest as he sighed. “He’s more important than the job, though, right?” he asked.
Jazz grimaced, pushing himself out of Devin’s arms and rolling onto his back, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling. He closed his eyes and scrubbed a hand over his face. “He is,” he said, a touch more stubbornly than he would’ve liked.
“Not acting like he is,” Devin said, as if it were really that simple.
“I said I was cutting my trip short, didn’t I?”
He still didn’t need to look at Devin to know the expression Devin was giving him now. The slight quirk of one of his eyebrows; the deepening frown on his lips. Jazz sighed and turned onto his side, facing away from Devin and putting a hand to his face, breathing heavily into his palm. “That -- was exactly the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it?” he muttered after a moment, his face growing hot.
“Yep.” One, single syllable. Better than the grunt Jazz expected. Not as good as Devin’s fingers, gentle against the small of Jazz’s back. “Know the job’s important and all, and that I’m important and all, but -- married him, not me, y’know? Thought that meant he comes first.”
“The Empire comes first.” Jazz grimaced, swallowing the bile that threatened to rise into his throat with his words. “I’m the second most powerful individual in the Empire. I can’t be so -- vain as to think my spouse’s more important than the entire Empire.”
Devin’s fingers moved along the curve of Jazz’s hip and came to nestle themselves on his side. He scooted closer, the bed shifting with his weight; his breath ghosting against the back of Jazz’s neck and then lower, between Jazz’s shoulder blades. “Don’t sound too happy about that, if you ask me,” he said, murmuring the words against Jazz’s back. “Thought you wanted it…”
“I did,” Jazz whispered, closing his eyes. As if on instinct, his hand found Devin’s and he tangled their fingers together. “You know I even wanted to be Emperor, one day. I just --” He shook his head, biting his lip for a brief, grounding moment. “I wasn’t very humble then, and I’m not very humble now, and I have a duty to my Empire, and --”
“More humble than you think, cutie,” Devin said, sliding his arm around Jazz and doing his best to hug him from behind. “Been serving your country as best you can, y’know? It’s just… don’t know if you can keep doing it and keep everyone you care about happy, too.”
Jazz sank against Devin’s front, turning his head so he could glance up at Devin. He bit his lip again, studying the younger man’s face with burning eyes. “What do you think I should do?” he asked, turning in Devin’s arms so he could cup his cheek.
“Not gonna like what I think you should do,” Devin said with a slight shake of his head. He nuzzled Jazz’s hand and dropped his gaze, catching his own bottom lip between his teeth.
“Tell me anyway,” Jazz said, letting his hand drift away from Devin’s face and down the edge of Devin’s neck. He was rewarded with Devin shivering, and he found himself smiling a little as he nudged Devin to look at him. “Whether I’m gonna like it or not has never stopped you before.”
“Think you should step down,” Devin said, without missing a beat. He took Jazz’s hand in his, thumbing over the rings Jazz wore on his finger -- one for Savin, one for Devin. “Love him, right?”
Jazz nodded, unable to trust his voice as his chest tightened with Devin’s suggestion. “Step down?” he asked before he could stop himself. “Devin, if I step down, I can’t -- I won’t be able to come to Cliffton, anymore. I won’t --”
“Know that, dude,” Devin said with a shrug of his shoulders. He flashed Jazz with a smile -- the same smile Jazz had grown to hate over the years, because it meant Devin was trying to hide his pain.
Tears filled Jazz’s eyes, and he buried his face in Devin’s chest. “I don’t want to step down,” he whispered, tucking his hand between him and Devin. He looked down at his rings; envisioned the engraving on the inside of both of them. Slowly, he met Devin’s eyes, almost tasting blood as his teeth dug into his lip once more.
“Know that, too,” Devin said, brushing Jazz’s hair out of his eyes. “‘Swhy I said you wouldn’t like what I had to say.”
Jazz closed his eyes, trying to memorize the softness of Devin’s fingertips. He breathed in deep, forcing his lungs to expand wider than they wanted to, at that particular moment. “Why?” he asked, searching Devin’s face. “Why do you think I should?”
“Think you’re gonna lose him if you don’t,” Devin answered, his gaze not once wavering away from Jazz’s. There was a hardness to his voice; a resolve Jazz hated with every fiber of his being. “Think Savin needs you more than the Empire does -- more than I do.” Devin paused, worrying his own bottom lip between his teeth. “Know he loves you more than anything -- don’t think he’d have married you, otherwise, but…haven’t been acting like yourself, much, either.”
“And you think that’s because of the job,” Jazz pressed, frowning and rolling onto his back once more.
“Know it is.” Devin’s voice was filled with conviction. He propped his head up with his hand and stared at some unknown point in the distance, pursing his lips together slightly. “Been different ever since you accepted Lin’s offer…”
Jazz covered his face with his hands, sighing into his palms once more as he massaged his cheekbones. “It’s -- hard being the Emperor’s right hand,” he said with a huff. “There’s even more to keep straight and then there’s been the terrorist attacks, and…” He pulled his hands away from his face with a grimace, still avoiding Devin’s eyes as he turned his own towards the ceiling. “It’s all just a bunch of excuses, isn’t it? I know better than this, don’t I?”
Jazz felt the bed shift; turned his head when he heard Devin’s feet land squarely on the carpeted floor. Devin had his back to him, his long hair cascading down it in loose rivers and his shoulders hunched as he gripped the edges of the bed. “You do know better,” he said, murmuring the words over his shoulder. “Gonna step outside for a bit…”
He wanted to argue. Wanted to open his mouth and beg for Devin to stay in the bed with him -- but he knew it was better to give Devin his space. At least for a little bit. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” he asked before he could stop himself, sitting up and threading his fingers through his hair.
“Been doing it for months, dude,” Devin said, pushing himself to his feet. “‘Sbeen about you and nothing else for at least that long. Bet Savin wanted you to stay home and just didn’t know how to ask for it.”
Jazz inhaled a little too sharply, choking on air for a moment as realization hit him square in the chest. “He might as well have asked,” he said, once he’d managed to catch his breath, looking up at Devin with wide, wet eyes. “He said he wanted to, but that he wouldn’t ask me to miss out on seeing you...”
Devin folded his long arms over his chest, one eyebrow raised as he regarded Jazz, his frown deepening. “Would’ve stayed home if it were me,” he said, swallowing hard and looking like he might be sick. “Bet I wouldn’t’ve had to ask -- bet you would’ve just offered to stay home, if you thought I needed you.” He hugged himself, dropping his gaze to the ground and shivering a little. “I -- need a minute. Gonna go outside, ‘kay?”
“Okay,” Jazz whispered, wishing his chest didn’t feel so tight. He looked away from Devin, ignoring the flash of heat building in his face. As much as he wanted to watch Devin slip out of their hotel room, he kept his gaze lowered and grit his teeth. He had to give Devin that minute. He had to.
His mind replayed their conversation over and over and made him relive every slight to his ego. He cradled his head in his hands, sniffing as he tried to fight off tears. Without thinking, he reached for his phone and swiped it off the nightstand, finding Devin’s number.
You’re right, he typed with trembling fingers. I need to step down
“Love you,” he whispered into Devin’s chest, the words barely leaving him in a murmur. He felt Devin’s quiet chuckle; relished in the softness of Devin’s fingers brushing his hair back and away from his eyes.
“Love you, too, cutie,” Devin said, bending forward to press his lips to Jazz’s forehead. “Still can’t believe you’re really here…”
Jazz laughed, wrapped his arms tighter around Devin, and smiled. “You say that every time I come to Cliffton, sweetheart. You might want to start believing it,” he teased, lifting his head so he could meet Devin’s eyes. He traced shapes into Devin’s shirt with his finger, his smile fading as he dropped his gaze. “I’m sorry my trip’s gonna be so short, this time -- Savin’s been having a rough time, you know? I didn’t want to leave him at home by himself for too long...”
“Didn’t have to come at all, y’know,” Devin said, squeezing Jazz. “‘S’been through a lot. I would’ve understood…”
“I know, but --” Jazz shook his head, burying his face in Devin’s chest once again and breathing in deeply -- this time to steady himself. “Savin said he’d never ask me to stay home -- he told me to come here. I’m the Emperor’s Head Councilor -- I can’t exactly ignore my duties, you know? He knows that better than I do...”
He didn’t have to look up to see the slight frown marring Devin’s otherwise perfect features. He didn’t have to look up to see the way Devin’s brows were furrowed; the way his honey-colored eyes had dulled. He instead focused his attention on the rise and fall of Devin’s chest as he sighed. “He’s more important than the job, though, right?” he asked.
Jazz grimaced, pushing himself out of Devin’s arms and rolling onto his back, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling. He closed his eyes and scrubbed a hand over his face. “He is,” he said, a touch more stubbornly than he would’ve liked.
“Not acting like he is,” Devin said, as if it were really that simple.
“I said I was cutting my trip short, didn’t I?”
He still didn’t need to look at Devin to know the expression Devin was giving him now. The slight quirk of one of his eyebrows; the deepening frown on his lips. Jazz sighed and turned onto his side, facing away from Devin and putting a hand to his face, breathing heavily into his palm. “That -- was exactly the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it?” he muttered after a moment, his face growing hot.
“Yep.” One, single syllable. Better than the grunt Jazz expected. Not as good as Devin’s fingers, gentle against the small of Jazz’s back. “Know the job’s important and all, and that I’m important and all, but -- married him, not me, y’know? Thought that meant he comes first.”
“The Empire comes first.” Jazz grimaced, swallowing the bile that threatened to rise into his throat with his words. “I’m the second most powerful individual in the Empire. I can’t be so -- vain as to think my spouse’s more important than the entire Empire.”
Devin’s fingers moved along the curve of Jazz’s hip and came to nestle themselves on his side. He scooted closer, the bed shifting with his weight; his breath ghosting against the back of Jazz’s neck and then lower, between Jazz’s shoulder blades. “Don’t sound too happy about that, if you ask me,” he said, murmuring the words against Jazz’s back. “Thought you wanted it…”
“I did,” Jazz whispered, closing his eyes. As if on instinct, his hand found Devin’s and he tangled their fingers together. “You know I even wanted to be Emperor, one day. I just --” He shook his head, biting his lip for a brief, grounding moment. “I wasn’t very humble then, and I’m not very humble now, and I have a duty to my Empire, and --”
“More humble than you think, cutie,” Devin said, sliding his arm around Jazz and doing his best to hug him from behind. “Been serving your country as best you can, y’know? It’s just… don’t know if you can keep doing it and keep everyone you care about happy, too.”
Jazz sank against Devin’s front, turning his head so he could glance up at Devin. He bit his lip again, studying the younger man’s face with burning eyes. “What do you think I should do?” he asked, turning in Devin’s arms so he could cup his cheek.
“Not gonna like what I think you should do,” Devin said with a slight shake of his head. He nuzzled Jazz’s hand and dropped his gaze, catching his own bottom lip between his teeth.
“Tell me anyway,” Jazz said, letting his hand drift away from Devin’s face and down the edge of Devin’s neck. He was rewarded with Devin shivering, and he found himself smiling a little as he nudged Devin to look at him. “Whether I’m gonna like it or not has never stopped you before.”
“Think you should step down,” Devin said, without missing a beat. He took Jazz’s hand in his, thumbing over the rings Jazz wore on his finger -- one for Savin, one for Devin. “Love him, right?”
Jazz nodded, unable to trust his voice as his chest tightened with Devin’s suggestion. “Step down?” he asked before he could stop himself. “Devin, if I step down, I can’t -- I won’t be able to come to Cliffton, anymore. I won’t --”
“Know that, dude,” Devin said with a shrug of his shoulders. He flashed Jazz with a smile -- the same smile Jazz had grown to hate over the years, because it meant Devin was trying to hide his pain.
Tears filled Jazz’s eyes, and he buried his face in Devin’s chest. “I don’t want to step down,” he whispered, tucking his hand between him and Devin. He looked down at his rings; envisioned the engraving on the inside of both of them. Slowly, he met Devin’s eyes, almost tasting blood as his teeth dug into his lip once more.
“Know that, too,” Devin said, brushing Jazz’s hair out of his eyes. “‘Swhy I said you wouldn’t like what I had to say.”
Jazz closed his eyes, trying to memorize the softness of Devin’s fingertips. He breathed in deep, forcing his lungs to expand wider than they wanted to, at that particular moment. “Why?” he asked, searching Devin’s face. “Why do you think I should?”
“Think you’re gonna lose him if you don’t,” Devin answered, his gaze not once wavering away from Jazz’s. There was a hardness to his voice; a resolve Jazz hated with every fiber of his being. “Think Savin needs you more than the Empire does -- more than I do.” Devin paused, worrying his own bottom lip between his teeth. “Know he loves you more than anything -- don’t think he’d have married you, otherwise, but…haven’t been acting like yourself, much, either.”
“And you think that’s because of the job,” Jazz pressed, frowning and rolling onto his back once more.
“Know it is.” Devin’s voice was filled with conviction. He propped his head up with his hand and stared at some unknown point in the distance, pursing his lips together slightly. “Been different ever since you accepted Lin’s offer…”
Jazz covered his face with his hands, sighing into his palms once more as he massaged his cheekbones. “It’s -- hard being the Emperor’s right hand,” he said with a huff. “There’s even more to keep straight and then there’s been the terrorist attacks, and…” He pulled his hands away from his face with a grimace, still avoiding Devin’s eyes as he turned his own towards the ceiling. “It’s all just a bunch of excuses, isn’t it? I know better than this, don’t I?”
Jazz felt the bed shift; turned his head when he heard Devin’s feet land squarely on the carpeted floor. Devin had his back to him, his long hair cascading down it in loose rivers and his shoulders hunched as he gripped the edges of the bed. “You do know better,” he said, murmuring the words over his shoulder. “Gonna step outside for a bit…”
He wanted to argue. Wanted to open his mouth and beg for Devin to stay in the bed with him -- but he knew it was better to give Devin his space. At least for a little bit. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” he asked before he could stop himself, sitting up and threading his fingers through his hair.
“Been doing it for months, dude,” Devin said, pushing himself to his feet. “‘Sbeen about you and nothing else for at least that long. Bet Savin wanted you to stay home and just didn’t know how to ask for it.”
Jazz inhaled a little too sharply, choking on air for a moment as realization hit him square in the chest. “He might as well have asked,” he said, once he’d managed to catch his breath, looking up at Devin with wide, wet eyes. “He said he wanted to, but that he wouldn’t ask me to miss out on seeing you...”
Devin folded his long arms over his chest, one eyebrow raised as he regarded Jazz, his frown deepening. “Would’ve stayed home if it were me,” he said, swallowing hard and looking like he might be sick. “Bet I wouldn’t’ve had to ask -- bet you would’ve just offered to stay home, if you thought I needed you.” He hugged himself, dropping his gaze to the ground and shivering a little. “I -- need a minute. Gonna go outside, ‘kay?”
“Okay,” Jazz whispered, wishing his chest didn’t feel so tight. He looked away from Devin, ignoring the flash of heat building in his face. As much as he wanted to watch Devin slip out of their hotel room, he kept his gaze lowered and grit his teeth. He had to give Devin that minute. He had to.
His mind replayed their conversation over and over and made him relive every slight to his ego. He cradled his head in his hands, sniffing as he tried to fight off tears. Without thinking, he reached for his phone and swiped it off the nightstand, finding Devin’s number.
You’re right, he typed with trembling fingers. I need to step down