LJ Idol Season 9, Week 23: The Fiction of the Fix -- and to be safe: Trigger warning for rape.
The smell of fresh cut grass hit him first -- probably because his face was buried against the earth, Saito realized, as he moved his neck and felt the grass brush against his cheek. His body felt off, like his legs weren’t quite connected to his torso. Light filtered through his eyelids -- which felt completely wrong.
“What time is it?” he murmured, pushing his chest off the ground.
“Time is an illusion here,” a deep voice said to his left. Saito fell forward, his arms buckling at the elbows and the grass now burning his skin. “I advise against moving right away. Your soul is still integrating with this realm. As you have found, some parts might not be working as intended, yet.”
Saito scoffed. “Could have told me that sooner,” he grumbled into the grass. He turned his head, looking in the direction of the voice. A man with no discernable features stood to his right. His throat, which felt bruised, tightened as he realized he couldn’t discern any features because there were no features on the man’s face. “Where am I?”
“Limbo,” the man said, lowering himself to the ground. He offered Saito his hand, who took it. Together, they pulled Saito to his feet, which were still unsteady underneath him. “I am the Guide. It is my job to inform you of your options.”
“Options?” Saito asked, his brow furrowing.
“Yes,” the Guide said, nodding his head. He gestured behind him to the lengthy, ornate steps leading up to an even more decadent building. “All Souls who have passed from Earth must pick one of two paths. One will lead you to Him, so that you may receive your immediate Judgment. The other will take you on the Stellar Challenge.”
Saito’s brow remained furrowed. Judgement? The Stellar Challenge? Passing from Earth? “Wait, am I -- am I dead?”
“The Stellar Challenge is the pathway to Redemption,” the Guide continued, as if Saito hadn’t even asked a question. “Should you succeed in completing the Challenge, you will enter into Heaven, no questions asked. There are two lines at the top of the steps -- the longer one is for Judgment, and the trains leave at noon. It is best to make your decision once your memories have returned.”
Before Saito could open his mouth to ask yet another question, the man disappeared. Saito blinked at the now empty air in front of him before sighing and shaking his head. Slowly, unsteadily, he made his way up the stairs and stared at the two lines before him. Only a handful of people stood in one; the other stretched on, around the side of the building.
His throat still hurt, but the ache seemed to be fading. His mind, which had felt empty before, began to fill, his last moments flashing before his eyes first.
The weight of them caused him to collapse to his knees, fingers rising to his throat as he remembered Gabe’s belt tightening around it, robbing him of his air and life.
Redemption. He needed redemption.
***
“So why’d you pick the Challenge?”
Saito turned his head away from the window. The expanse of space was only interesting for so long, anyway. A woman had sat down in the seat opposite his on the train. One of the other Challengers. A ring glinted on her right index finger; it was gold, unlike the one Saito had, which was silver. She gave him an expectant look, and Saito realized he couldn’t remember her name, even if her blue eyes caught his attention.
“Same reasons anyone picks the Challenge, I guess,” Saito said with a shrug of his shoulders. He adjusted the tie wrapped around his neck, which suddenly felt as though it were too tight.
“Yeah, but why?” the girl pressed, flipping her long, dark hair over her shoulder. “I mean, Greg over there fricken killed someone --”
“I didn’t murder anyone, if that’s what you’re asking,” Saito said, cutting her off. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his seat some. He still couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that he was dead -- let alone that they were flying through space on a train, hopping from planet to planet in order to complete good deeds and that completing good deeds earned rings. Enough rings earned a spot into Heaven, no questions asked.
“Okay,” the girl said, smiling at him. She didn’t move from her spot; nor did her smile.
“What?” Saito asked after a minute, frowning at her.
“Nothing. You just look interesting, that’s all,” the girl said, leaning forward. Saito couldn’t help but notice her cleavage as she did so. “My name’s Clarissa. What’s yours?”
“Saito.”
Clarissa’s smile only widened, revealing small and crooked teeth. It was endearing -- enough so to make Saito smile back.
It reminded him of Gabe’s.
***
That smile became infuriating, as the Challenge wore on. Challengers dropped left and right; some running out of time on Mercury; others going missing on Mars. Clarissa and Saito kept close together; helped one another out as needed. There were fewer and fewer people on each planet they visited; and even fewer of them needed help Clarissa and Saito could provide in a mere forty-eight hours.
After a particularly difficult stretch on Jupiter, Clarissa and Saito clamored onto the train, stumbling over one another and out of breath as its doors closed tightly shut behind them.
“We made it,” Clarissa huffed, a relieved smile spreading across her lips.
Saito had to look away from her. He put a hand to his chest, hoping it would help still his heart and steady his breathing. “Did anyone else make it?” he asked, glancing around the train. The car they stood in was empty aside from its seating. He glanced at his watch -- the same one everyone had started the Challenge with -- just as the train pulled out of its hidden station and entered the thick atmosphere.
“Guess not,” Clarissa murmured as she collapsed into a nearby seat. She crossed one leg over the other and pursed her lips together. “I guess it’s just me and you for the last couple of planets.”
Just me and you. The words clouded Saito’s vision and made his mouth go dry. Slowly, his heart rate returned to its normal rhythm. “I guess so,” he whispered, glancing at his hands. Four rings on four fingers on his right; only one on his left. Three -- or was it four? -- more rings to go.
Except flashes of his night alive kept coming back to him, each one more detailed than the last. The flashes made him wonder -- would Clarissa moan like Gabe did? Or would she try to fight him off? Or would she play right into his hands, instead?
He didn’t need to know, he told himself. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to know just how she’d look, bare and vulnerable. It shouldn’t matter.
He had a job to do. A Challenge to win. Heaven to enter.
He couldn’t give in to her.
***
Saito took her hours into their stay on Saturn. His hands grabbed where they could and quickly secured her, holding her down and --
So much like Gabe. Too much like Gabe, the way her eyes widened and her legs kicked and then spread for him. He almost couldn’t enjoy himself -- but it was her fault. Her fault for having Gabe’s smile. Her fault for tempting him, for --
It was over just as quickly as he cornered her. As he pulled himself free of her, the world spun and dissolved. Saito’s stomach lurched as Clarissa’s face twisted and contorted before being replaced with the stern countenance of a man he had never seen before.
“Such a shame,” the man said, clicking his tongue. “You held such promise, Saito. It had been quite a while since a passenger stepped foot on Saturn.”
Shame and bile rose into Saito’s throat, and he swallowed thickly. “Who -- who are you?”
“Who I am doesn’t matter,” the man said, folding his hands behind his back. He towered over Saito, his expression unwavering. “I am here to determine your punishment. That is what matters.”
“Punishment?”
“You failed the Stellar Challenge, Saito. You have proven once again that a rapist cannot be anything more than a rapist. Your treatment of Ms. Clarissa was despicable -- be grateful that she did not have the raw strength that Gabriel did.”
Saito’s expression hardened, his lips tugging downwards in a frown. “You know about Gabe?”
“I know about everything -- and how Gabe wasn’t your first.” The man paused, standing up even straighter as he circled Saito slowly, like a predator waiting for the right moment to pounce on its prey. “You did not enjoy the Challenge, did you, Saito? Having to travel through space and time, the constraints of the planets themselves -- not to mention you weren’t very fond of any of your companions...”
Saito didn’t say anything. Instead, he waited, closing his eyes once the man stood in front of him once more.
“Your punishment is quite simple,” the man began finally. “You are to attempt the Stellar Challenge over and over again. And you will fail it, every time.”
“And if I succeed?” Saito asked, clearing his throat and opening his eyes.
“Nonsense. Rapists are the simplest of sinners. Their desires are all the same, and human beings are ill-equipped to conquer them. You will fail. And I will send you back to Limbo, to enter the Challenge once again.”
“And if I choose Judgment, instead?” Saito pressed, crossing his arms over his chest.
The man cracked the slightest smile. “I think that’s enough questions,” he said, giving Saito a dismissive wave of his hand.
Then the man disappeared, leaving Saito alone, in the dark, amongst the stars. Until even they faded, and Saito’s eyes shut once again -- this time, on their own.
When he opened them again, the sun blinded him, and he lay on the ground.
“Where am I?” he asked. His throat ached, though he didn’t know why.
“You are in Limbo. Please, refrain from speaking while your soul integrates with this realm.”
Limbo? Soul?
Why did he feel as though he had heard all of this, before?
“What time is it?” he murmured, pushing his chest off the ground.
“Time is an illusion here,” a deep voice said to his left. Saito fell forward, his arms buckling at the elbows and the grass now burning his skin. “I advise against moving right away. Your soul is still integrating with this realm. As you have found, some parts might not be working as intended, yet.”
Saito scoffed. “Could have told me that sooner,” he grumbled into the grass. He turned his head, looking in the direction of the voice. A man with no discernable features stood to his right. His throat, which felt bruised, tightened as he realized he couldn’t discern any features because there were no features on the man’s face. “Where am I?”
“Limbo,” the man said, lowering himself to the ground. He offered Saito his hand, who took it. Together, they pulled Saito to his feet, which were still unsteady underneath him. “I am the Guide. It is my job to inform you of your options.”
“Options?” Saito asked, his brow furrowing.
“Yes,” the Guide said, nodding his head. He gestured behind him to the lengthy, ornate steps leading up to an even more decadent building. “All Souls who have passed from Earth must pick one of two paths. One will lead you to Him, so that you may receive your immediate Judgment. The other will take you on the Stellar Challenge.”
Saito’s brow remained furrowed. Judgement? The Stellar Challenge? Passing from Earth? “Wait, am I -- am I dead?”
“The Stellar Challenge is the pathway to Redemption,” the Guide continued, as if Saito hadn’t even asked a question. “Should you succeed in completing the Challenge, you will enter into Heaven, no questions asked. There are two lines at the top of the steps -- the longer one is for Judgment, and the trains leave at noon. It is best to make your decision once your memories have returned.”
Before Saito could open his mouth to ask yet another question, the man disappeared. Saito blinked at the now empty air in front of him before sighing and shaking his head. Slowly, unsteadily, he made his way up the stairs and stared at the two lines before him. Only a handful of people stood in one; the other stretched on, around the side of the building.
His throat still hurt, but the ache seemed to be fading. His mind, which had felt empty before, began to fill, his last moments flashing before his eyes first.
The weight of them caused him to collapse to his knees, fingers rising to his throat as he remembered Gabe’s belt tightening around it, robbing him of his air and life.
Redemption. He needed redemption.
***
“So why’d you pick the Challenge?”
Saito turned his head away from the window. The expanse of space was only interesting for so long, anyway. A woman had sat down in the seat opposite his on the train. One of the other Challengers. A ring glinted on her right index finger; it was gold, unlike the one Saito had, which was silver. She gave him an expectant look, and Saito realized he couldn’t remember her name, even if her blue eyes caught his attention.
“Same reasons anyone picks the Challenge, I guess,” Saito said with a shrug of his shoulders. He adjusted the tie wrapped around his neck, which suddenly felt as though it were too tight.
“Yeah, but why?” the girl pressed, flipping her long, dark hair over her shoulder. “I mean, Greg over there fricken killed someone --”
“I didn’t murder anyone, if that’s what you’re asking,” Saito said, cutting her off. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his seat some. He still couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that he was dead -- let alone that they were flying through space on a train, hopping from planet to planet in order to complete good deeds and that completing good deeds earned rings. Enough rings earned a spot into Heaven, no questions asked.
“Okay,” the girl said, smiling at him. She didn’t move from her spot; nor did her smile.
“What?” Saito asked after a minute, frowning at her.
“Nothing. You just look interesting, that’s all,” the girl said, leaning forward. Saito couldn’t help but notice her cleavage as she did so. “My name’s Clarissa. What’s yours?”
“Saito.”
Clarissa’s smile only widened, revealing small and crooked teeth. It was endearing -- enough so to make Saito smile back.
It reminded him of Gabe’s.
***
That smile became infuriating, as the Challenge wore on. Challengers dropped left and right; some running out of time on Mercury; others going missing on Mars. Clarissa and Saito kept close together; helped one another out as needed. There were fewer and fewer people on each planet they visited; and even fewer of them needed help Clarissa and Saito could provide in a mere forty-eight hours.
After a particularly difficult stretch on Jupiter, Clarissa and Saito clamored onto the train, stumbling over one another and out of breath as its doors closed tightly shut behind them.
“We made it,” Clarissa huffed, a relieved smile spreading across her lips.
Saito had to look away from her. He put a hand to his chest, hoping it would help still his heart and steady his breathing. “Did anyone else make it?” he asked, glancing around the train. The car they stood in was empty aside from its seating. He glanced at his watch -- the same one everyone had started the Challenge with -- just as the train pulled out of its hidden station and entered the thick atmosphere.
“Guess not,” Clarissa murmured as she collapsed into a nearby seat. She crossed one leg over the other and pursed her lips together. “I guess it’s just me and you for the last couple of planets.”
Just me and you. The words clouded Saito’s vision and made his mouth go dry. Slowly, his heart rate returned to its normal rhythm. “I guess so,” he whispered, glancing at his hands. Four rings on four fingers on his right; only one on his left. Three -- or was it four? -- more rings to go.
Except flashes of his night alive kept coming back to him, each one more detailed than the last. The flashes made him wonder -- would Clarissa moan like Gabe did? Or would she try to fight him off? Or would she play right into his hands, instead?
He didn’t need to know, he told himself. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to know just how she’d look, bare and vulnerable. It shouldn’t matter.
He had a job to do. A Challenge to win. Heaven to enter.
He couldn’t give in to her.
***
Saito took her hours into their stay on Saturn. His hands grabbed where they could and quickly secured her, holding her down and --
So much like Gabe. Too much like Gabe, the way her eyes widened and her legs kicked and then spread for him. He almost couldn’t enjoy himself -- but it was her fault. Her fault for having Gabe’s smile. Her fault for tempting him, for --
It was over just as quickly as he cornered her. As he pulled himself free of her, the world spun and dissolved. Saito’s stomach lurched as Clarissa’s face twisted and contorted before being replaced with the stern countenance of a man he had never seen before.
“Such a shame,” the man said, clicking his tongue. “You held such promise, Saito. It had been quite a while since a passenger stepped foot on Saturn.”
Shame and bile rose into Saito’s throat, and he swallowed thickly. “Who -- who are you?”
“Who I am doesn’t matter,” the man said, folding his hands behind his back. He towered over Saito, his expression unwavering. “I am here to determine your punishment. That is what matters.”
“Punishment?”
“You failed the Stellar Challenge, Saito. You have proven once again that a rapist cannot be anything more than a rapist. Your treatment of Ms. Clarissa was despicable -- be grateful that she did not have the raw strength that Gabriel did.”
Saito’s expression hardened, his lips tugging downwards in a frown. “You know about Gabe?”
“I know about everything -- and how Gabe wasn’t your first.” The man paused, standing up even straighter as he circled Saito slowly, like a predator waiting for the right moment to pounce on its prey. “You did not enjoy the Challenge, did you, Saito? Having to travel through space and time, the constraints of the planets themselves -- not to mention you weren’t very fond of any of your companions...”
Saito didn’t say anything. Instead, he waited, closing his eyes once the man stood in front of him once more.
“Your punishment is quite simple,” the man began finally. “You are to attempt the Stellar Challenge over and over again. And you will fail it, every time.”
“And if I succeed?” Saito asked, clearing his throat and opening his eyes.
“Nonsense. Rapists are the simplest of sinners. Their desires are all the same, and human beings are ill-equipped to conquer them. You will fail. And I will send you back to Limbo, to enter the Challenge once again.”
“And if I choose Judgment, instead?” Saito pressed, crossing his arms over his chest.
The man cracked the slightest smile. “I think that’s enough questions,” he said, giving Saito a dismissive wave of his hand.
Then the man disappeared, leaving Saito alone, in the dark, amongst the stars. Until even they faded, and Saito’s eyes shut once again -- this time, on their own.
When he opened them again, the sun blinded him, and he lay on the ground.
“Where am I?” he asked. His throat ached, though he didn’t know why.
“You are in Limbo. Please, refrain from speaking while your soul integrates with this realm.”
Limbo? Soul?
Why did he feel as though he had heard all of this, before?