LJ Idol Season 9, Week 05: Build a Better Mousetrap
Dear ACME Corporation:
I have been a loyal consumer of your products for years. I have purchased just about everything your company has to offer in my quest to capture my dinner.
And throughout these years, none of these products have produced the desired results: the road runner still runs the roads, you see. And as for myself? Well, I will surely waste away, were I to continue to rely on your products.
I regret to inform you that I will no longer be one of your many (un)satisfied customers, and that I also will require a refund for my most recent purchase: The Earthquake Pills. While they did, indeed, work, they did not work on my intended target because my target, as I have previously stated, is a Road Runner.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Your Former, Most Loyal Customer,
Wile E. Coyote
***
Dear Mr. Coyote,
We at ACME Corporation are sorry to hear that you’ve been having so many troubles with our products. We have included a refund check for the cost of the Earthquake Pills, per your request.
However, this is not the first time you have contacted us to complain about our products, Mr. Coyote. There are letters upon letters from you, each filled with various details of your personal failures, and each end with a request for a refund. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to start reading the directions a little more thoroughly before using our products?
If I may be so bold, I would suggest that you start developing your own traps to capture your dinner. You are a genius, after all, and most of our products are not designed for capturing Road Runners. Perhaps you would have better luck, that way?
Best Wishes,
ACME Corporation
***
Dear ACME Corporation,
Are you implying that I don’t know how to read? Of course I have read all of the instructions for each product I’ve purchased. The vast majority of the time, the products are faulty, and do not work they way they ought to. Surely a genius like myself can handle something as simple as following instructions!
Develop my own traps? Why, I suppose I could. I am a genius, after all. However, I have temporarily given up on the Road Runner. A Western Rabbit has recently moved in, you see, and I feel I might have better luck catching something that doesn’t move quite as quickly.
Thank you for the suggestion. I have several ideas to implement already -- and I’m sure I will have far more success with my own traps than I have had with your entire inventory.
Someone who can create better traps than you,
Wile E. Coyote
Genius
***
Dear Mr. Coyote (Genius),
We here at ACME Corporation would never imply that a coyote with your intelligence can’t read -- that would be bad for business. Please, forgive us for any perceived ill-will. We certainly did not mean it.
Please, enjoy these several hand-grenades, entirely on us. You have been such a loyal customer in the past, we feel that you deserve them. Just, please -- be careful to only use them when your prey cannot toss them back into your face.
Good luck to you on your endeavors. We hope that you capture yourself some dinner, soon! We’re beginning to think that the hunger is starting to get to you -- you did eat a whole bottle of Earthquake Pills, didn’t you, just to prove that they would work?
Sincerely,
ACME Corporation
PS. As always, ACME Corporation will be here, should you ever be in need of additional traps.
***
Dear ACME Corporation,
I’m not sure where you’ve heard such a thing -- but I did not, in fact, consume the entire bottle of Earthquake Pills in an effort to prove that they worked.
I swallowed them all because I believed them to be faulty, as I had watched the Road Runner swallow half the bottle without consequence. It was only after I had emptied the bottle that I saw the extra fine print at the bottom of the label. If, perhaps, the text had been a little larger, or if this exception had been noted in your catalogue....
But, no matter. I have a Mr. B. Bunny to catch and then eat for dinner. The poor creature believes he is an intellectual match for me. Hah! We’ll see how true that is once I finish putting together this mechanical female rabbit filled with explosives.
My traps are still better than yours,
Wile E. Coyote
Super Genius
***
Dear Mr. Coyote (Super Genius),
We here at ACME Corporation want to thank you for your suggestion. While many others haven’t voiced complaints against our Earthquake Pills, a clearer label might be beneficial in aiding our sales. Of course, there aren’t many who are using these pills as a way to capture Road Runners, either. But the suggestion is worth looking into, all the same.
We here at ACME Corporation want you to know that we support you on all your endeavors in capturing a Mr. B. Bunny. We just hope you know that it might not be the hunger that’s getting in your way, but your ego.
Out of curiosity, how did the mechanical female rabbit go?
Best of Luck,
ACME Corporation
***
Dear ACME Corporation,
Unfortunately, the mechanical female rabbit did not go over as well as I had hoped. My prey had created a fake, female coyote much the same way, and... No matter! These hollowed out metal carrots I had stashed for such an occasion should do the trick, instead. They’re left over from a recent purchase I have made from your company, you see. Here’s to hoping that they serve me better than your products have in the past.
I would greatly appreciate it if you sent me your newest catalogue. Do you have any products that can withstand train crashes?
Thank you for your time,
Wile E. Coyote
Super Genius
Mud
I have been a loyal consumer of your products for years. I have purchased just about everything your company has to offer in my quest to capture my dinner.
And throughout these years, none of these products have produced the desired results: the road runner still runs the roads, you see. And as for myself? Well, I will surely waste away, were I to continue to rely on your products.
I regret to inform you that I will no longer be one of your many (un)satisfied customers, and that I also will require a refund for my most recent purchase: The Earthquake Pills. While they did, indeed, work, they did not work on my intended target because my target, as I have previously stated, is a Road Runner.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Your Former, Most Loyal Customer,
Wile E. Coyote
***
Dear Mr. Coyote,
We at ACME Corporation are sorry to hear that you’ve been having so many troubles with our products. We have included a refund check for the cost of the Earthquake Pills, per your request.
However, this is not the first time you have contacted us to complain about our products, Mr. Coyote. There are letters upon letters from you, each filled with various details of your personal failures, and each end with a request for a refund. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to start reading the directions a little more thoroughly before using our products?
If I may be so bold, I would suggest that you start developing your own traps to capture your dinner. You are a genius, after all, and most of our products are not designed for capturing Road Runners. Perhaps you would have better luck, that way?
Best Wishes,
ACME Corporation
***
Dear ACME Corporation,
Are you implying that I don’t know how to read? Of course I have read all of the instructions for each product I’ve purchased. The vast majority of the time, the products are faulty, and do not work they way they ought to. Surely a genius like myself can handle something as simple as following instructions!
Develop my own traps? Why, I suppose I could. I am a genius, after all. However, I have temporarily given up on the Road Runner. A Western Rabbit has recently moved in, you see, and I feel I might have better luck catching something that doesn’t move quite as quickly.
Thank you for the suggestion. I have several ideas to implement already -- and I’m sure I will have far more success with my own traps than I have had with your entire inventory.
Someone who can create better traps than you,
Wile E. Coyote
Genius
***
Dear Mr. Coyote (Genius),
We here at ACME Corporation would never imply that a coyote with your intelligence can’t read -- that would be bad for business. Please, forgive us for any perceived ill-will. We certainly did not mean it.
Please, enjoy these several hand-grenades, entirely on us. You have been such a loyal customer in the past, we feel that you deserve them. Just, please -- be careful to only use them when your prey cannot toss them back into your face.
Good luck to you on your endeavors. We hope that you capture yourself some dinner, soon! We’re beginning to think that the hunger is starting to get to you -- you did eat a whole bottle of Earthquake Pills, didn’t you, just to prove that they would work?
Sincerely,
ACME Corporation
PS. As always, ACME Corporation will be here, should you ever be in need of additional traps.
***
Dear ACME Corporation,
I’m not sure where you’ve heard such a thing -- but I did not, in fact, consume the entire bottle of Earthquake Pills in an effort to prove that they worked.
I swallowed them all because I believed them to be faulty, as I had watched the Road Runner swallow half the bottle without consequence. It was only after I had emptied the bottle that I saw the extra fine print at the bottom of the label. If, perhaps, the text had been a little larger, or if this exception had been noted in your catalogue....
But, no matter. I have a Mr. B. Bunny to catch and then eat for dinner. The poor creature believes he is an intellectual match for me. Hah! We’ll see how true that is once I finish putting together this mechanical female rabbit filled with explosives.
My traps are still better than yours,
Wile E. Coyote
Super Genius
***
Dear Mr. Coyote (Super Genius),
We here at ACME Corporation want to thank you for your suggestion. While many others haven’t voiced complaints against our Earthquake Pills, a clearer label might be beneficial in aiding our sales. Of course, there aren’t many who are using these pills as a way to capture Road Runners, either. But the suggestion is worth looking into, all the same.
We here at ACME Corporation want you to know that we support you on all your endeavors in capturing a Mr. B. Bunny. We just hope you know that it might not be the hunger that’s getting in your way, but your ego.
Out of curiosity, how did the mechanical female rabbit go?
Best of Luck,
ACME Corporation
***
Dear ACME Corporation,
Unfortunately, the mechanical female rabbit did not go over as well as I had hoped. My prey had created a fake, female coyote much the same way, and... No matter! These hollowed out metal carrots I had stashed for such an occasion should do the trick, instead. They’re left over from a recent purchase I have made from your company, you see. Here’s to hoping that they serve me better than your products have in the past.
I would greatly appreciate it if you sent me your newest catalogue. Do you have any products that can withstand train crashes?
Thank you for your time,
Wile E. Coyote
Super Genius
Mud