LJ Idol Season 9, Week 01: Jayus (A Lesson in Telling Jokes, by Tobias)
Ah, humans. So easy to manipulate, to bend to my will -- to Lu’s will.
‘Cept that’s not why I’m sitting in a bar with my new-found friend, Tobias. ‘Cept Tobias ain’t exactly a friend, either. With his golden hair and bright blue eyes, he looks every bit like an Angel -- the enemy.
And he should -- ‘cause he is one. You might ask why an Angel is hanging out on Earth with a demon like Yours Truly -- and I might got an answer for you, but I ain’t got the time to tell you. It’s a long story, after all. One that involves the mess that is Heaven and Hell trying to merge, and --
Well, like I said, it’s a long story, and you don’t got the time to hear all that. All you need to know is that I’m givin’ Tobias here a crash course in how to blend in with the humans -- if we’re ever gonna find Him amongst them, he’s gotta blend in, y’know? So that’s why we’re here at the bar -- easiest way to learn human customs is to sit with them and observe.
Too bad every knucklehead in this place wants to hit on him. Can’t turn my back on him without some new asshole slipping an arm over his shoulders -- pretty sure most of them don’t even realize Tobias is technically a guy.
So it shouldn’t surprise me that when I come back from grabbing us some drinks, Tobias is no where to be found at our booth. A quick search of the bar leads me to him. At least he’s sitting with a couple of girls this time? Both are smiling, twirling their hair. Poor guy looks almost uncomfortable.
“Hey, Tob,” I call out, cracking a large grin. He immediately responds to my voice, his own face lighting up with a nauseatingly perfect smile. “I see you found some ladies for us to hang out with.”
The girls both give me a slightly dirty look, especially as I don’t wait for either one of them to invite me to the table. Conversation dies the second I sit down, and Tobias looks so confused when both girls eventually up and leave.
“Lesson one,” I tell him as I pass him a beer. ‘Cept I don’t get to finish my sentence, as this loudmouth in the booth behind us starts talking over me.
“What’s the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball?” he begins. Tobias turns his head towards the guy in question, and I can almost see his poor little mind trying to work out the difference -- he probably thinks it’s a serious question.
“A guy will actually search for a golf ball!” the guy finishes, and I can’t help but laugh at the confusion that overtakes Tobias’s expression once again. Yep. He totally thought it was an honest question.
He turns to me, eyebrows knitting together. “What’s so funny?” he asks. He takes a sip of his beer and pulls a face.
“It’s a joke,” I say, taking a sip of my own beer. “They’re supposed to be funny. Make people laugh and all that shit.”
Tobias’s eyes light up. “They make people laugh, huh?” he asks. “How do jokes work, exactly?”
As I give him the answers he seeks, I have the distinct feeling I’m gonna regret this.
***
It takes less than a fricken day, but my gut feeling to turns out to be right. We’ve hardly been back home for an hour, and Tobias has been staring intently at the laptop screen in front of him for about as long. I busy myself with some TV -- can’t hurt to enjoy a little entertainment, can it?
“Hey, Levi -- is your nose running? Wait -- or is that supposed to be your refrigerator... or, no -- Levi! Is your nose running?”
I grit my teeth as I turn to Tobias. He has this shit-eating grin on his face, as though he’s about to say the most clever thing in the whole word. “No,” I answer, and I can see the wind leave his sails, just like that.
Gotta admit, it almost hurts to see him look so crestfallen.
Almost.
***
“So, Levi...” Tobias begins a couple of days later. He tilts his head back to look at me, his perfect blond hair spilling out over the couch cushion next to me. After all, he’s been sitting on the floor while I try and introduce him to the Pinnacle of Human Television -- Reality TV. What better way to teach him the Way of Humans than through watching other humans fail so spectacularly at living?
‘Cept he’s not really paying attention to it, and when I finally look at him, I can see why. He’s got that look on his face. The one he gets when he thinks he’s about to say something clever. His eyes’re huge, his smile even wider and revealing intensely perfect teeth. I brace myself for what he’s about to say next.
“So a dyslexic man walks into a bar...”
I blink, and there's a pause. And then: “Don’t you mean he walks into a bra...?”
He blinks. Then his eyes widen as he realizes his mistake, and he looks away from me, his face turning red as he does so.
Poor guy. That one would’ve actually been funny, had he told it right.
***
“Okay, I’ve got one -- this time I’ll get it right, for real.”
“Tob -- seriously, just give up on this telling jokes thing. You’re bad at it.” Tobias just gives me a look -- the same one that makes me question his innocence as an Angel. Look, the dude voluntarily left Heaven, alright? He simply can’t be that fricken innocent.
“Why can’t atheists do exponential equations?” he asks anyway, and I can see the excitement in his eyes.
‘Cept I already know how this one goes. “They don’t believe in a higher power,” I say before I can stop myself, my tone as monotonous as the TV droning on behind me.
And once again, his excitement dies so quickly, I almost apologize.
But Yours Truly ain’t one to apologize, so I don’t.
***
At least a week’s passed since Tobias last attempted to crack a joke or two. Just as I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe his little obsession had faded into obscurity, that look comes across his face again as we’re appreciating the finest of fast foods.
Gotta eat like a human and come to appreciate their poor taste in food, after all.
“Hey, Levi,” he begins, and this time he’s speaking slowly, so as not to rush himself, I guess. “A pirate with a --” He bites his lip and looks away, his hands still tightly wrapped around the greasy burger he’s holding. He takes in another breath and looks towards me, blue eyes shining with fricken mirth. Mirth. “-- with a ship’s wheel strapped to his pants walks into a bar.”
He pauses again, and I give him a slight nod. Best not to interrupt him while he’s trying to put the pieces together. Don’t think I’ve heard this one before, either. “So the bartender -- the bartender asks, ‘Doesn’t that hurt?’ And --”
This pause is entirely intentional, what with the way he grins at me as he sits up straight in the booth, spreading his hands wide. “And the pirate says, ‘Yes,’ -- I mean -- ‘Aye, it is’ -- er -- ‘it be drivin’ me nuts!’”
And, I’ll be Damned yet again if I didn’t laugh at Tobias stumbling over his own fricken joke. You can just tell he thinks he’s onto something amazing, the way he smiles at the sound of my own laughter.
Don’t ever tell Tobias why I really laughed, okay? Poor guy can’t handle anymore disappointment.
‘Cept that’s not why I’m sitting in a bar with my new-found friend, Tobias. ‘Cept Tobias ain’t exactly a friend, either. With his golden hair and bright blue eyes, he looks every bit like an Angel -- the enemy.
And he should -- ‘cause he is one. You might ask why an Angel is hanging out on Earth with a demon like Yours Truly -- and I might got an answer for you, but I ain’t got the time to tell you. It’s a long story, after all. One that involves the mess that is Heaven and Hell trying to merge, and --
Well, like I said, it’s a long story, and you don’t got the time to hear all that. All you need to know is that I’m givin’ Tobias here a crash course in how to blend in with the humans -- if we’re ever gonna find Him amongst them, he’s gotta blend in, y’know? So that’s why we’re here at the bar -- easiest way to learn human customs is to sit with them and observe.
Too bad every knucklehead in this place wants to hit on him. Can’t turn my back on him without some new asshole slipping an arm over his shoulders -- pretty sure most of them don’t even realize Tobias is technically a guy.
So it shouldn’t surprise me that when I come back from grabbing us some drinks, Tobias is no where to be found at our booth. A quick search of the bar leads me to him. At least he’s sitting with a couple of girls this time? Both are smiling, twirling their hair. Poor guy looks almost uncomfortable.
“Hey, Tob,” I call out, cracking a large grin. He immediately responds to my voice, his own face lighting up with a nauseatingly perfect smile. “I see you found some ladies for us to hang out with.”
The girls both give me a slightly dirty look, especially as I don’t wait for either one of them to invite me to the table. Conversation dies the second I sit down, and Tobias looks so confused when both girls eventually up and leave.
“Lesson one,” I tell him as I pass him a beer. ‘Cept I don’t get to finish my sentence, as this loudmouth in the booth behind us starts talking over me.
“What’s the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball?” he begins. Tobias turns his head towards the guy in question, and I can almost see his poor little mind trying to work out the difference -- he probably thinks it’s a serious question.
“A guy will actually search for a golf ball!” the guy finishes, and I can’t help but laugh at the confusion that overtakes Tobias’s expression once again. Yep. He totally thought it was an honest question.
He turns to me, eyebrows knitting together. “What’s so funny?” he asks. He takes a sip of his beer and pulls a face.
“It’s a joke,” I say, taking a sip of my own beer. “They’re supposed to be funny. Make people laugh and all that shit.”
Tobias’s eyes light up. “They make people laugh, huh?” he asks. “How do jokes work, exactly?”
As I give him the answers he seeks, I have the distinct feeling I’m gonna regret this.
***
It takes less than a fricken day, but my gut feeling to turns out to be right. We’ve hardly been back home for an hour, and Tobias has been staring intently at the laptop screen in front of him for about as long. I busy myself with some TV -- can’t hurt to enjoy a little entertainment, can it?
“Hey, Levi -- is your nose running? Wait -- or is that supposed to be your refrigerator... or, no -- Levi! Is your nose running?”
I grit my teeth as I turn to Tobias. He has this shit-eating grin on his face, as though he’s about to say the most clever thing in the whole word. “No,” I answer, and I can see the wind leave his sails, just like that.
Gotta admit, it almost hurts to see him look so crestfallen.
Almost.
***
“So, Levi...” Tobias begins a couple of days later. He tilts his head back to look at me, his perfect blond hair spilling out over the couch cushion next to me. After all, he’s been sitting on the floor while I try and introduce him to the Pinnacle of Human Television -- Reality TV. What better way to teach him the Way of Humans than through watching other humans fail so spectacularly at living?
‘Cept he’s not really paying attention to it, and when I finally look at him, I can see why. He’s got that look on his face. The one he gets when he thinks he’s about to say something clever. His eyes’re huge, his smile even wider and revealing intensely perfect teeth. I brace myself for what he’s about to say next.
“So a dyslexic man walks into a bar...”
I blink, and there's a pause. And then: “Don’t you mean he walks into a bra...?”
He blinks. Then his eyes widen as he realizes his mistake, and he looks away from me, his face turning red as he does so.
Poor guy. That one would’ve actually been funny, had he told it right.
***
“Okay, I’ve got one -- this time I’ll get it right, for real.”
“Tob -- seriously, just give up on this telling jokes thing. You’re bad at it.” Tobias just gives me a look -- the same one that makes me question his innocence as an Angel. Look, the dude voluntarily left Heaven, alright? He simply can’t be that fricken innocent.
“Why can’t atheists do exponential equations?” he asks anyway, and I can see the excitement in his eyes.
‘Cept I already know how this one goes. “They don’t believe in a higher power,” I say before I can stop myself, my tone as monotonous as the TV droning on behind me.
And once again, his excitement dies so quickly, I almost apologize.
But Yours Truly ain’t one to apologize, so I don’t.
***
At least a week’s passed since Tobias last attempted to crack a joke or two. Just as I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe his little obsession had faded into obscurity, that look comes across his face again as we’re appreciating the finest of fast foods.
Gotta eat like a human and come to appreciate their poor taste in food, after all.
“Hey, Levi,” he begins, and this time he’s speaking slowly, so as not to rush himself, I guess. “A pirate with a --” He bites his lip and looks away, his hands still tightly wrapped around the greasy burger he’s holding. He takes in another breath and looks towards me, blue eyes shining with fricken mirth. Mirth. “-- with a ship’s wheel strapped to his pants walks into a bar.”
He pauses again, and I give him a slight nod. Best not to interrupt him while he’s trying to put the pieces together. Don’t think I’ve heard this one before, either. “So the bartender -- the bartender asks, ‘Doesn’t that hurt?’ And --”
This pause is entirely intentional, what with the way he grins at me as he sits up straight in the booth, spreading his hands wide. “And the pirate says, ‘Yes,’ -- I mean -- ‘Aye, it is’ -- er -- ‘it be drivin’ me nuts!’”
And, I’ll be Damned yet again if I didn’t laugh at Tobias stumbling over his own fricken joke. You can just tell he thinks he’s onto something amazing, the way he smiles at the sound of my own laughter.
Don’t ever tell Tobias why I really laughed, okay? Poor guy can’t handle anymore disappointment.