I've Been Saving This For A Couple of Days

Sep 14, 2007 20:51

As some of you know, there has been someone who has caught my eye in a special way. Well, it seemed like I had something going in my favor, well, suffice to say that came crashing down. But after the way it did, I'm proud to say that I am better off. She decided to confront me about it. Needless to say she declared her lack of interest, but it wasn't simply that. She said that she was uncomfortable with the way I was acting around her and why didn't I directly talk to her and that she had previously said no. I admit here, I did cross the line a long time ago, I apologized for that. Then the accusations started flying. She accused me of butting into her conversations, I only did that to end the insane in surmounting silence that was commonplace between us, especially in the summer. Then she went on about moments where I was inappropriate over the summer. The only time I was anything even CLOSE to that was when I first started working there over a year ago. Since then I haven't even been able to APPROACH her. Next, she proceeded to chastise me about what I did with a mutual friend. I told her that I did that because I couldn't think of a way to talk to her. Her final words: "As long as I'm at this institution I'll never feel comfortable around you." At that time I just wanted to end all of the bullshit right then and there. But things simmer with me, and I think. I came up with this: As far as the timing of asking, I was only asking as a friend. I know the fact that a year-long relationship just ended because of a lack of happiness. The LAST thing I would try to do is create another one. Second, when I tried to decipher what moments she initially mentioned, none were mentioned. "I've put them out of my mind." Listen, I am the king of repressing memories, news flash: THEY'LL STILL BE THERE!! It just hurts a little bit less over time. Another reason: THERE WERE NONE!! The entire summer I sat with my computer or I read. We may have spoken three sentences to each other a month! What the hell could I have done?!

Basically all I have to say is this. No implications were made whatsoever, only inferences; egregious ones at that. I tried to involve you in my life as a friend, anything from there would have been mutual. I wondered like all hell why you offered everyone else something when I was there and I had to ask you. I wondered if you even thought about the moments of insight that I offered when you posted something on Facebook. I wondered a lot of things about you and the thick layer of ice around your heart. I even wondered about a discovery that we shared a love of soccer. But now I wonder no longer. I heard things about you being unstable, and those things were true. All you are is an unstable bitch who likes to influence present actions on a random batch of terrible (in a sense) memories. Whatever happened in relationships in the past, I'm sorry. But that is not my fault. Why the fuck does it take two years for you to acknowledge someone's existence after one bad experience? If I did that, I WOULD BE DEAD!! You really need to get over yourself. If this causes drama, BRING IT. This is what I have to say, because silence isn't golden after all.
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